(Closed) He doesn't think *I'm* ready for marriage (long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 78
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Nocturne:  I’m sorry, your boyfriend sounds like a complete ass. Him defining maturity and adultness is incredibly pig-headed and condescending. How dare he tell you that you have growing up to do! Who is he to decide that?! Is he such a beacon of wisdom, with his pitiful 9 extra years on this earth? I’ve just read all of your posts and I am outraged for you — he sounds worse and worse with every update. He’s not treating you like an equal partner.  

I got married at age 22 (to an older man). It’s really not that young. I certainly didn’t fit all your boyfriend’s outrageous, insulting, and arrogant definitions of being a grown-up, but I made a damn fine wife nonetheless!

Have you considered moving out to your own apartment? Not with your parents? I think living on your own would do a world of good for you. Your boyfriend is controlling and degrading you, and maybe you can’t see it because you don’t have a frame of reference. 

Living with someone does require work to figure out chores, tidiness, etc. I’ve been happily married for years and these little issues still come up. It’s natural. But NEVER would my husband suggest that a household issue is related to my maturity. One of my friends just got married at age 41 and she’s dealing with the exact same things. Age and maturity have nothing to do with household habits.

So, you and your boyfriend should be communicating about daily details of living together. But the way he is going about this communication is completely unacceptable. You should be discussing cooking and cleaning as equals. Please do not put up with his “oh when I was your age” bullshit. Gah! SO INSULTING!!

Post # 79
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1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Nocturne:  Oh and for goddness’ sake, buy some pre-sliced fruit. Seriously. You make 100k a year, you shouldn’t ever have to slice fruit if you don’t want to! Cutting a pineapple is a pain in the ass. 

Post # 81
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nocturne:  Don’t get me wrong, you don’t sound immature for 22. But by your original post, it sounds like you went straight from your parents house to living at college, to living with him. Maybe it’s because you have never lived on your own? I know dorms are technically “on your own” but you’re not having to worry about being 100% responsible for a household, bills, cleaning, cooking, buying toilet paper, etc. He might view that as you not really having had the “independent adult” experience yet. I hate to say this, but I am also 22, and moved out and got my own apartment at 18(and was financially supporting my family before that) and have been living on my own/with roommates in places for the last 4 years until this year when I met DH and we got married. And there is a big gap in the way I think and operate versus my friends who went from their parents house to a dorm and then back to their parents house or to a partner’s house. There are certain things that are just simply different and certain lessons you learn from living in your own place and being 100% responsible for your household. I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship, but do you think he is maybe feeling this way? Like you guys aren’t on the same level of understanding & personal responsibility because you haven’t really lived “independently”? I would bring this up and talk to him about it. He might feel like you haven’t experienced enough to make the kind of decision and commitment that marriage is. (You haven’t given too much info & I don’t know you personally so this could be totally wrong!)

When DH and I met, I had just moved cross-country alone, been traveling for work, supporting myself & had a house with a roommate, etc. I still went to college, and am planning on starting my post-grad in the next year, but if I would’ve gone the route of going to a 4 year school and living in the dorms/at home, I don’t know if I would feel ready for marriage right now since I hadn’t really lived “on my own”. 

I also agree with previous posters in that it honestly sounds like he’s not ready to get married yet. 

Keep us updated and I hope it all works out *hugs*

 

Post # 82
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1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Nocturne:  I actually grew up in an Asian community (I was the white minority, but still, pretty good exposure), so I might have more understanding of your background than you’d guess. I still think your boyfriend is being a complete ass, both in how he defines someone ready for marriage and in how he has broached the topic. The most offensive thing is the impression that he is not treating you as an equal partner. 

My question about you living on your own was more about cleaning, cooking, and chores. Did you look after your own household independently while in college? If not, it might be beneficial for you to develop your own habits with these things, rather than having them developed by your boyfriend. Same goes for pre-sliced fruit: that suggestion wasn’t about outsourcing all of your food prep, but more the idea that you should decide on your own what you do as an adult. If you don’t want to slice fruit, you don’t have to, and you aren’t any less of a marriageable woman! You shouldn’t have to change yourself to be marriageable. 

I personally would not tolerate the things your boyfriend said, and I would hate to see one of my girlfriends in your position. And I’m saying this as a woman who married an older man when I was 22, so I might have some experience relevant to your situation. But hey, it sounds like maybe you’re feeling ok about the situation now? 

Post # 83
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1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@arabbel:  I agree!

If he really feels like she is not ready for marriage and that she is too immature, why is he living with her and dating her? That doesn’t seem to make sense. 

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@Nocturne:  Hun, your posts are actually breaking my heart a little. :-/ I feel like you are trying so so hard to be what he wants. I actually can’t believe he is twisting it around to “giving you more time to mature.” What matters is that your heart and mind are mature – nothing else. 

Even your example of cooking – my 30 year old fiance still makes ramen noodles for himself…that doesnt say he is lazy or immature – just he doesnt like cooking. I love cooking, but i would rarely cook in your situation if i had food provided for free for me from work. it just wouldnt make as much sense – on weekends i would. 

I just…i want to give you a hug and say that you should be equals in every way. You should NEVER feel like you are auditioning or that your performance is not good enough – it will not change if you get married. You will always feel like you need to be “On.” You can’t live your whole life like that…it will eat you up. 

When i read this: ” And by cooking, I mean I do not mean just helping – I mean cooking and cleaning up after the cooking so that he can just play video games while dinner is getting ready and afterwards.”

That is not equal and you should never have to do that. More importantly, he should never allow or want you to do that. You don’t have to be his “housewife and maid.” He should A) want to be with you – not playing videogames and B) if you cook he should most definitely be in there helping you clean up. Truly, he sounds ten times more immature than you. 

Are you sure he’s not projecting his own immaturity on you? or his own need to be taken care of? He should marry you because he loves you as you, in whatever stage you are in and whomever you are. Not because he wants you to become the person to help feed and clean for him – you are not signing up to become his mother or his servant. 🙁

“I still need to do more, but I’m improving. It doesn’t happen overnight – I’m not going to wake up and suddenly start cooking awesome dishes everyday and everything will be spotless” – 

You are perfect just the way you are. I’m not the most tiddy person and i admit it drives my fiance nuts. i do try and remember to keep things a little nicer for him – but he knows its me and he jokes about it and knows its never going to completely change. 

What is your fiance doing to improve and change? if you both are trying to meet a goal together – that’s one thing. But it sounds to me like you are trying day in and day out to “Earn” his love as you said and “prove” your maturity. 

You sound more mature than many 30+ people i know. 

Please just take those things into consideration.

 

Ps. maybe i am not being culturally competant enough. So im sorry if that is the case. It is very possible… like i said, your posts broke my heart a little so i had to say something.  

 

Post # 84
Member
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@Asia:  That is what I thought when I read it.  

Post # 85
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@Nocturne:  I lived with a guy like this, and in the end I had kid with him! When they dont think you are perfect and you constantly have to try to be somehting you arent, it IS NOT WORTH IT. I bent over backwards doing all the things you listed in your OP…. even my family commented to him how much I had changed for him. It was never enough for him. I ended up resenting him and when he would break the rules himself (of what he expected from me) and leave garbage around the house for example… I would just lose it. I was so angry by the end of it I had to leave for my kiddos sake.

 

If he doesnt like you the way you are too bad for him.

Post # 86
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918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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@valintine:  This.  All of it.  Like I said in my previous post, when did he get to be the arbiter of how mature you are?  

Post # 88
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, there’s not much point trying to defend your Boyfriend or Best Friend to random people on the Internet since you’re the only one who can really know whether he’s condescending, patronising, projecting, etc. We only have your partial explanation of the situation to go off of. All I would say is I am Asian (an Asian who grew up in Asia, at that!) and if my partner at any point had said to me that I was not “mature enough” to do anything, he would have got into serious trouble. It’s one thing to say “I’m not comfortable with the division of responsibilities in our household at the moment, and wish you would take on more of your fair share” — which is totally fair, iMO — it’s another thing to make your cooking or cleaning abilities into a referendum on your maturity levels.

That said, if you’ve had another conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and feel comfortable about where you guys got to on that, then that’s fine. There’s no hurry for you to get married, is there? Your plan to wait a couple of years sounds perfectly sensible.

Post # 89
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

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@Nocturne:  

Sorry! Haven’t been on WeddingBee for a while so didn’t see your response!

I probably shouldn’t have brought the sex part up because my opinions about sex are pretty different from most people’s it seems. You are right that sex doesn’t necessarily mean maturity, however, I think that sex is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. As such, if someone accepts that gift from you they better be pretty committed to you. In my opinion, they better be married to you but that’s a whole different discussion. Women are giving away more when they have sex than men, in my opinion. Women are the ones that have to worry about getting pregnant and, although I could be wrong on this, it’s my understanding that women are more likely to develop UTIs and all sorts of stuff from sex.

Yes, he is not the only one who benefits from your living situation but I think if he’s agreeing to have you live with him it’s not his place to tell you if you are mature enough for marriage or not. I mean, by living together you guys are pretty much acting out a lot of what married people do—dividing chores, having sex, etc. So I really don’t get why he thinks you aren’t mature enough for marriage when you are practically married as-is.

As for the counseling, I didn’t mean to imply that you need it necessarily. I’ve just found it helpful for me and thought maybe you would too. I find it’s super helpful to go to a third party who doesn’t know any of the parties involved to get an unbiased opinion. I’ve seen counselors for lots of things from being stressed out about major life changes to figuring out how to be a better spouse. Actually, I saw a counselor several months ago on how to be a better wife so not that different from what you are figuring out! J I just want to make sure that you are fine. You sound like a really wonderful person and I just don’t want to see you getting hurt. That’s why I thought talking to a counselor would be helpful.

Also, I guess I’m still concerned about your boyfriend’s assumption that you have to cook well in order to be marriageable. I agree with your Mom on this one—all the cooking and cleaning skills are things you can figure out after you get married. People often do. Another little thing—you stated that for a time he was doing all the dishes because he thought he cleaned them better than you did and that now you feel a little indebted to him for that. Here’s the thing though. He decided to do them not because you weren’t but because you weren’t doing them his way. When we went to premarital counseling we were told that a trap people often fall into is not letting their spouse help with chores because the spouse isn’t doing them right. Instead, chores should be divided up and then the person responsible for each chore should do them any way they want and the spouse should not critique them. I can understand critique if food is still stuck to the dishes (I mean plates and things not baked on cookie sheet stuff) but I doubt that when you did the dishes that was happening.

Final point, you state that your boyfriend is very ahead on the learning curve. OK, that’s fair since he is older than you. But that shouldn’t somehow disqualify you from getting married. He himself stated that he was where you are at when he was your age so wouldn’t it make sense that you would learn things as you get older? So what’s preventing him from marrying you now?

Sorry, this is so long!

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