- Wedding: October 2015 - Hakone Gardens, Saratoga
I said that I cooked for him “so that he could just play video games”, but I’ve also said that he has done the same for me many times, so I felt like I owed it to him a little. Or at least that it would be nice to do for him, since he’s done it for me. I mean, I get that partners should help each other. But in this case, I was just making one dish. When you’re not cooking that much, having another person help you doesn’t add that much, so in this case it made sense to let him relax for once. And seriously, for a long time he was doing ALL the dishes because he thought he cleaned them better than I did. Since then, I have learned the magic of kitchen gloves and super hot water so that’s no longer the case, but I do feel a little bit of debt to him for the months of him doing all the dish washing. That won’t be the case forever, I’m sure though!
So I actually finally got the chance to ask my mom what she thought of these things (things have been busy lately so I haven’t had any alone time with her for a bit). Aaand, she actually agrees (partly) with you guys!
My mom said that you don’t have to know how to cook and clean before you get married. She said that before, people just got married because they 1) wanted to have sex and 2) wanted to be independent and get out of their parents’ house, and getting married was the only way to do that. Oh, and also because they like the person.
It’s expected that sometime between getting married and within a few years of having your first kid that you’ll have figured out most of the cooking/cleaning/taking care of yourself and others stuff (you know, so your kids don’t starve or have to eat take out every day, and so things are fair in the household between husband and wife, and so on). But it’s not expected that you know everything beforehand, or even half the things. In particular, before people started living together before getting married, how would the guy know exactly how good of a ‘homemaker’ his potential wife was anyway? In fact, he would probably just worry about getting to see her and having fun when he did, not practical things like that. At most he’d want to suss out if the person has a good family background, is responsible, is able to put others ahead of themselves at times, has similar beliefs and a livable level of cleanliness, and has the ability and willingness to figure the practical things out. But not necessarily that she had already figured out all the practical things already.
..Not that that excuses me from learning about some of these things before I get married, of course! Especially since my boyfriend is very ahead on the learning curve. In fact, why don’t I spend more time at her house and she’ll teach me about cooking while I’m there? 😉
And she thinks my timeline of expecting ring shopping/rings 15 months from now (4 years of dating, including almost 2 years of living together by then, but also including 1.5 years of long distance) is reasonable considering my age, his age, and our circumstances. Even if the “being ready for marriage” thing isn’t really valid, we both probably need more time in any case. But if I have to wait any longer than that for a proposal, everyone (parents, sibling, cousins, friends) will be mad at my boyfriend and slowly dislike him more and more, which is no way to start a relationship with in-laws. So if he really wants to get married, and to me, he’d better put a ring on it by then.
And yes, from what she’s seen of him (he comes with me to my parents’ house almost every week with me, she’s visited his/our house) and heard of him from me, she does think my boyfriend is a good guy worthy of my time and treats me well, though he is a bit misguided about marriage vs ‘adulthood’. (Dad is more suspicious of him, but that’s what dads are for! 🙂
I should probably think about this more and talk to him a little bit about this, but it’s late and I just wanted to write down what my mom said while it’s fresh in my mind!