(Closed) he doesn't want a wedding

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

What you have when you get married is your wedding, regardless of whether it is in a cathedral with 500 people or at City Hall with just the two of you.  What people are celebrating is the fact that you are getting married, not some performance with a big white dress and lots of pageantry.  So it makes no sense to have a pretend wedding later, after you are already married.  The two of you need to include the people you want when you actually get married.

Post # 4
Member
7758 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tell him: why should MY family be punished because YOUR family is being difficult? You guys should plan the wedding, invite all parents, and whoever comes, comes.

Also tell him getting married IS the wedding. There’s no such thing as getting married and having a wedding later. There are occasions when the wedding celebration has to be later (e.g. military brides), but still, by definition, the wedding is when you get married.

As an aside, I returned to school (university) in my 40s, and I certainly would have made time for a family member’s wedding during school time if I had to. With enough warning, you can get your assignments done ahead of time.

Post # 7
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@paula1248:  Exactly. I get that he wants to be a good student but that doesn’t mean every weekend for the next 4 years he will be at home studying. Like, come on.

Post # 8
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@paula1248:  

+1

How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I’ve never understood the mentality that if your parents can’t be there then you don’t bother inviting anyone. What happens during childbirth? His parents can’t visit so yours aren’t aloud to visit either? Of course not. His reasoning doesn’t make sense. If his parents don’t make the effort to come, too bad for them. If they aren’t going to make the effort on your wedding day, they won’t make the effort any other day either. There will always be some reason they’re too busy. People can go to school AND have fully functioning social lives as well.

Post # 10
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Did his father say this to fairly recently? I can imagine having your dad tell you he won’t prioritise your wedding over a couple of days of school would be very upsetting, and he may have said these rash things to you about your wedding because he is hurt. Give him lots of love and support, and some time to calm down and think about things. If he stills feels that way, then tell him how you feel about not having your family there and how much being surrounded by loved ones on your special day means to you.

Post # 11
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Wow; your Fiance is being incredibly selfish.

Post # 12
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@smileyme:  agreed.

 

We can’t tell if his dad is being selfish (where is this school?? why won’t he be able to come to the wedding), but one thing is for sure, your Fiance is being incredibly selfish. Even my 6-year-old niece is past the phase of “if i can’t have this toy, you can’t have it either!” which is what he is doing.

Post # 13
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Take a deep breath. He is probably very hurt that his dad is telling him he may not be able to attend. Can he talk to his dad and ask if there is a better time to attend? Can you make the wedding closer to FH’s family? Is there a time of year that’s better (summer break?)

I wouldn’t call him selfish, he is probably in a bit of shock at his dad’s reaction. I would give him some time. You guys should be a team. Try to find a way to make it easy for his dad to come, and your family to attend too. This doesn’t have to be the last converdation you have about the topic, keep working through it.

Post # 14
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@kerensa:  +1

Try to relax a little bit. I know that both of you are probably hurt and in shock right now. Maybe what his dad meant to say is that he can’t come during the school semester, but during a break he’s free as a bird? Would you be able, or willing, to plan around his schedule? Do his parents live far away or are they close enough to make it work? And, lastly, if all else fails would you be willing to wait until his dad is done with school so that you can have the wedding you want?

When you feel a bit calmer, take a look at the questions I’ve asked and the others written by PPs. See if you can answer them. Then sit down and discuss it with your fiance without getting emotional. Explain that it would mean a lot to you to be able to have both sets of parents attend the wedding and ask if there’s a way to accomodate his dad’s schedule. Be rational and calm and remember to really listen closely to what your fiance says. I’m sure that you guys can work out a compromise somehow.

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