Post # 1
I am completely devastated. My husband and I got married in August of 2018. We discussed having kids before marriage and he wanted them. Last month though, he said he doesn’t want kids. He said he changed his mind and that he is sorry that he cannot give me what I want. We are in couples counseling but I cannot help but feel so betrayed. He said he had been feeling this for the last couple of months. The worst part is, he didn’t come and tell me out of his own volition.
See, I have noticed that for the last two months he has been distant. When I talked to him about it, we argued and then he blurted out that he didn’t want kids and that sex was more like a chore. That hurt me to my core because I hadn’t been scheduling sex or harping about a baby…I wanted it to happen naturally. The only thing we did was to get checked that we were ok to have kids. Maybe he was scared to tell me but his reaction towards me has been hurtful.
I am 37 and though that is not old, I fear I may not have kids. I feel deceived and that my time has been wasted. I am trying to work it out, although I don’t know what exactly what I am hoping. I guess I don’t want to leave without trying to work on things.
To make things worse, this will be my second divorce if we do end up divorcing. My first marriage was because I was too young. I went into this marriage committed and thinking this would work because we loved each other. Still, I can’t imagine he would love me and treat me like this. I never saw it coming.
I don’t know what to expect, I just needed to vent.
Post # 2
How devastating. I’m so sorry, Bee.
Post # 3
Bee, I think you have every right to be devastated, you’re essentially mourning the loss of a future you hoped for. And I can 100% understand why you are hurt. My advice to you would be that if you’re going through couple’s counseling to try to come at your conversations with him from a place of empathy, in the same way you would want him to with your feelings. It DEFINITELY seems like he could have handled it better, but my guess is if he loves you he knew the news would devastate you which can make someone bury it until they are forced to deal with it.
Kids are a really hard thing because you can’t compromise on them and I honestly do believe that people can think they want them in an abstract, fantasy-like, someday sense and then realize they actually don’t when forced to really look it in the eye. If he knew this whole time he definitely didn’t want them then yes, that is deceit, but based on when he came to this realization it’s very possible he wasn’t wasting your time or intentionally deceiving you.
Post # 4
If we move on and divorce, who would want to date a woman who is twice divorced?
Post # 5
I don’t know what to believe. If he would of come out in a gentle way and told me on his own, it would be a different story. But in the way he told me, makes me feel that he hid it and if so, what else could he be hiding? Thank you for your support 🙂
Post # 6
Rather than assume, I think this is something to explore in therapy. Only you can decide how you feel about his overall character and whether this is a one-off thing or representative of something larger. Not to mention there is the question about whether this is representative of a character issue or if it is a matter of both of you working to create a space where the other feels open to expressing their honest thoughts and feelings. How have you guys worked through conflict, disagreement, differences of opinion in the past?
Post # 7
I’m so sorry, bee 🙁 I can’t imagine. I wish I could give you more helpful advice, but I do believe that exploring this in therapy will help you understand him. Perhaps he is reliving some sort of trauma, or he’s scared (economic situation in the world is not assuring) of the responsibilities.
Definitely keep going to therapy, though I would make it clear to him that this is a dealbreaker for you, unless he already knows.
As far as your “who would want someone twice divorced” question, you have legitimate reasons for these supposed divorces. You didn’t cheat on anyone, you didn’t commit fraud or anything – you just were yourself, or you were too young. I think people would understand.
Post # 8
Bee, I normally don’t think divorce is the first go-to for issues in a marriage.
HOWEVER, you are 37. You know you want kids. Your husband doesn’t. You simply don’t have many years ahead of you if you want to get pregnant and have children with a partner. Because the window is closing for you to have biological children of your own, I think it’s time to explore ending this marriage.
Post # 9
I don’t think he’s a terrible person for changing his mind; however, it was very selfish and inconsiderate of him to drag this out for *months* without telling you. he should’ve told you the minute his mind changed, thus making you two incompatible. it was very cowardly of him to withhold this information at such a critical point in your reproductive life.
i agree with coffeecakez :
in that it seems like you may need to explore the possibility of ending this marriage. it’s up to you to decide whether you’d rather gamble with wasting more time with this guy and forfeiting your change to pro create, hoping he’ll come around, or end the marriage and take the risk that someone would love you in spite of having gone through 2 divorces (hint: it’s not that’s big of a risk…divorce doesn’t make you a dating pariah unless your target dating pool is devout Christian men).
Post # 10
Being 2 times divorced doesn’t mean anything negative to potential suitors. It simply means you got dealt a crappy hand. People will 100% understand that you had to end things when it came out that he did not want kids and you do.
I think you will have an easier time dating than someone who already has kids trying to date people who dont’ have kids yet. There are so many people out in the world so please do not think that you can’t find someone OP. YOu can.
I think you should really think about yourself for a minute. Go see a doctor by yourself and ask questions about freezing your eggs etc. Get all the information you need. Then really decide for yourself if you want kids or not. If your answer is yes than you need to be decisive. You deserve an answer from your husband and you deserve to have a shot to make the most of the time you have before its even harder to have kids etc.
Do not let him drag this out. He knows his answer on kids. Get a firm answer from him in therapy. Literally a, If we don’t have kids we are divorcing so what is your choice, type of answer from him. Then cut it off an move on OP.
If you decide that you are ok with a life with no kids? Then therapy could help resolve your feelings of betrayal and you can go that route. But give yourself a timeline. You have 2 months to decide to end it and move on, or accept his terms. Dont’ waste anymore time than that.
Post # 11
OH and I wanted to add, this example is a really good reason why if something is a must for you in a marriage than you have got to end up with a person who sees the things you want as an enthusiastic HELL YEAH. Not in a, maybe, kinda, haven’t thought about it way. But in a way that makes it super crystal clear that the other person is not only on the same page as you, but with a motivation that they themselves are driving forward.
I say this not knowing if the OP’s husband did say HELL YEAH all along that he really really wanted kids or not. But I am suspecting he was never enthusiastic about it. My fiance from the start of us dating was clear that yes 100% he wanted kids, never a single doubt. I think if we look closely we can see these differences for the red flags they are.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry, Bee. This is an incompatibility that cannot be overcome through therapy or anything else and trust me, you do not want to have a child with someone who really doesn’t want to be a parent.
Divorced people get remarried every day. Every hour, in fact. Don’t stay in a situation that is sure to end in resentment anyway because you are worried about how marketable you will be as a twice-divorced woman. At least allow yourself the possibility of having what you want, whether that’s as a mother or stepmother. Hugs.
Post # 13
Came here to chime in on something that hasn’t been mentioned, but I agree with PPs that this is an incompatibility that can’t be overcome with counseling.
At 37, you would be an older mom, but with potential medical intervention and/or close monitoring, you could have a healthy pregnancy. If you get a divorce, you don’t know how long it might be until you meet the man for you. I would consider freezing and storing some of your eggs before you get any older, if having a biological child is important to you.
Post # 14
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I am going to get heat for this but here are my thoughts: you had this life envisioned with this man and future kids. Now this man does not want kids anymore. Question is can you live your life with him with no kids? Because even if you get a divorce, other partners are not on trees, it might be a while before you find another partner, if you guys wants to get married and then try to have kids, at least it will be another 2-3 years. Divorcing this guy and moving on does not guarantee future kids. Besides you married the guy, you must love him. Is it going to be so easy to fall out of love with him and in love with some one else for hypothetical kids?
Maybe you guys can find out what is his hesitation about kids? Is it the crying and baby stuff? Maybe you guys can adopt an older child. If i was you i would also try to explore why no children is a deal breaker for you and if you can change your perspective.
I would only divorce him if I was ready to go to sperm bank and have a child by myself without a partner.
Life has given you an obstacle, you can start back at the beginning or you can try to make it work.
Post # 15
Wow…thank you ALL for your incredible support. I am so glad that I posted this because it never occurred to me to freeze my eggs. I have been so upset, I haven’t been able to think straight.
I normally wouldn’t turn to divorce so easily but this isn’t something that can be compromised. I am not a woman who needs to have her own kids, I would be happy to adopt. What kills me here is that my choice feels like it has been taken from me.
It still hurts though and I wonder how I can trust again. As a woman, it hurt to be told having sex with me was a chore. It destroyed a part of my ego. Now, I am trying to feel good about myself again.