Post # 16
ashleyroo : You make total sense. I do love him but the fact is he told me before we were married that he definitely wanted kids and now changed his mind. Also, the way he told me was cruel which makes me question who I married and what else he could be hiding.
I wouldn’t mind adopting but he is dead set against that. I do realize, I may not find a partner which could mean that I would adopt alone. I may consider freezing my eggs in case I meet the one but I don’t know how I can trust after this and it may take a while to heal.
I appreciate your good sense.
Post # 17
mrsssb : Thank you. This made me feel better.
Post # 18
I agree. The decision to become a parent is a dealbreaker.
OP, you need to find a man that wants to have biological children so divorce is the best course of action. You can also consider becoming a single mother by adoption or artifical insemination if you would rather not wait to find someone else.
Post # 19
I have some perspective from the other end of this situation that I hope might be helpful to you. When I started my relationship with my current partner, I was 100% sure I wanted kids and had never doubted that desire or future vision for my life. He wanted kids too, and it was definitely something we talked about as part of planning a future with each other. Since then, for a lot of reasons, I have changed my mind, and I am now as certain that I do not want kids as I used to be about having them. For me, this was not something I just decided one day, but more of a realization I came to over time. By the time I brought it up with my partner, it was something I’d been feeling unconsciously for a while but hadn’t really confronted even for myself. He felt blindsided by my change of heart, and it took us a long time and a lot of therapy to work through before deciding to stay together. All that to say, I don’t know your husband or anything about how he communicates, but I think it’s possible that he didn’t intentionally hide this from you, and it was more that he didn’t fully grasp for himself that he’d changed his mind until very recently even if in hindsight it’s been brewing for a while.
I think the two of you should definitely stay in therapy and dig in to his decision and the communication around it because you deserve to at least be able to understand how he got here and why he shared things with you when and how he did. Additionally, I would highly recommend starting individual therapy (with someone other than who you see as a couple) to help work through whether it is more important to you to try and make your marriage work or to have a chance at having kids, since as things stand, you can no longer have both. You deserve to be able to do whichever will make you happier, and your husband needs to understand that while he can and should make the choice that is best for him, you get to do the same. My partner and I both saw individual therapists while going through couples therapy, and even though it was a lot, I think it was critical for us to be able to move forward without resentment. I also would encourage you not to feel like you have to rush your decision as there are so many options for how to have kids if that’s what you decide is most important to you.
The last thing I’ll say is that I think it’s critically important not to pressure your husband to change his mind or give him an ultimatum to have kids or you’ll leave (not that your post implies you’d do either of these things). People who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them, so pressuring someone into kids is just a recipe for resentment and hurt for all involved. As hurtful as your husband’s decision is and as much as your feelings are valid, people do change and not always in the same direction. It sucks that your husband didn’t realize that he didn’t want kids before you got married, but it’s still better to know now than after your were pregnant or already had kids.
I hope you get the support you need from all your loved ones and can move forward with the right choice for your happiness.
Post # 20
msayub : It still hurts though and I wonder how I can trust again. As a woman, it hurt to be told having sex with me was a chore. It destroyed a part of my ego.
Please don’t let a statement that may well have come from his fear that you would conceive while he was still processing this change in life goals and how to tell you impact how you feel about yourself.
FWIW there are a number of divorced Bees on this site, including me. I understand the feeling that you may never trust again and the self-doubt that comes with a failed relationship. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to adapt to a different path, whatever that is. When you are ready you may discover, as I did, that there are trustworthy men in this world.
Post # 21
I don’t have anything to add here really except to say I feel for you. What a horrible situation to be in. You have every right to be devastated. Sending big hugs.
Post # 22
This is a horrible situation. Definitely agree, you need to freeze your eggs.
Post # 23
Not wanting children and finding sex to be a chore are two very different issues, bee. He could have just said he doesn’t want them and leave it at that. I find it problematic that he also is expressing negative feelings towards sex. You are way too young to have a dead bedroom (not that there is a good age for that). If you want children, you have to make a decision fast. If it’s any consolation, my mom had me at 38 almost 30 years ago when medicine wasn’t what it is today, and everything was fine! So you do still have plenty of time.
Post # 24
ashleyroo : “Because even if you get a divorce, other partners are not on trees, it might be a while before you find another partner, if you guys wants to get married and then try to have kids, at least it will be another 2-3 years. Divorcing this guy and moving on does not guarantee future kids.”
With the current husband, that is. It does, however guarantee the OP a good chance of having children of her own, either through sperm donation, adoption or with a potential new partner. And it certainly guarantees not being married to someone who would do something that I consider a huge deal breaker.
The idea that “partners don’t grow on trees” is actually the worst possible reason to stay with someone. I’d much rather be on my own than with an untrustworthy, unreliable, selfish person with whom one is fundamentally incompatible.
As for divorces, you aren’t going to have a scarlet # 2 branded on your forehead. People will meet and get to know you for who you are.
Post # 25
If I were you I would leave him and either adopt on my own or find someone else. Kids were non-negotiable for me.
Post # 26
Despite your mother’s experience, it’s common knowledge that TTC, pregnancy, and childbirth are typically more difficult for women over 35. The OP may not want to take the risk of waiting longer and that’s okay.
Post # 27
I find it highly problematic that he is criticizing your sex life while also dropping the bombshell of not wanting kids. Could it be possible that he is seeking to end the marriage by presenting you with a “dealbreaker”, one that leaves the onus of breaking up on you?
Post # 28
msayub : Dont take what he said too personally. From his perspective its probably nothing but work. Work for something he doesn’t want: kids. So it feels as if he is being put out to pasture to stud.
I never wanted kids, but I will say this. If it is a deal breaker for you then I suggest you freeze your eggs like some of the other ladies said or divorce him and then have a kid on your own. I fear that waiting for Mr. Right to come along might not be in the cards. Furthermore, at 40 would a man want a child? Maybe. Im leaning towards no.
This may be an adventure you do on your own if you want a child so badly.
Post # 29
msayub : I’m in the same boat as you are. So I feel your pain. Take time to mourn. I’m working through things, in addition to this issue, with my own individual therapist. We’re trying to work things out. I am mourning because I chose to be with him, children or not. So I have to be the one to decide whether I can accept being childless or not, since i don’t want to leave him. And I am also turning 37 in Oct. I am past the child-bearing peak. Sending you lots of hugs. I hope you will work it out with your husband. Hugs.
Post # 30
weddingmaven : “The idea that “partners don’t grow on trees” is actually the worst possible reason to stay with someone. I’d much rather be on my own than with an untrustworthy, unreliable, selfish person with whom one is fundamentally incompatible.“
some of the advice in this thread is super questionable, but you hit the nail on the head here.
VictorianChick : “Furthermore, at 40 would a man want a child? Maybe. Im leaning towards no.”
what? Plenty of men are having children at 40+. Women too.