Post # 17
@moosey: i totally am with you on the “sickness and health.” My anxiety got the best of me a few years back and I was not myself at all, but my husband (then boyfriend) held my hand and was there for me and made sure I knew he loved me no matter what — even when I was acting in ways he didn’t understand. For me, there is no excuse for the OP’s H to be so unsupportive.
Post # 18
Please get help right away. Depression turns you into a different person. Hopefully once your hubby sees that you are serious about making a change he’ll feel differently. But regardless of that, you still need to seek help for your own sake.
Someone who hasn’t personally experienced depression has no idea what it’s like. you can’t simply shake yourself out of it.
Post # 19
@MadameTussaud: Please read what @moosey: wrote and think about whether it would be kind to tell somebody with diabetes how easily you are able to regulate your blood sugar.
Depression is an illness like any other. What makes depression different is that there is also a stigma against it. So not only do people with depression feel ashamed of themselves, it’s hard for them to admit that they have depression because that will make them even more ashamed.
Post # 20
@Lemma: You yourself told her to seek professional help; that’s being proactive and doing something correct? That is no different than what other bees are trying to do or say. I’ve dealt with depression in my family for many years and sometimes tough love is needed.
Post # 21
@MissGreen: What some other bees are doing is treating it like it is something that is her fault and something that can be fixed just by sheer strength of will. This just isn’t true and is a terrible thing to imply.
Post # 22
I am very sorry you are going through this 🙁
I feel it is quite selfish for him to not be patient with you during this difficult time. I hope he sees what a wonderful gal you are to leave everything and move to his state–anyone would find it uneasy to transition into a whole new world without your family and other familiarities.
I don’t think you are the problem here. You need his support and he is unwilling. A man that will stand by you and support you through any circumstance is what makes a faithful and true husband. We are meant to be cherished and loved and honored–that right there is what makes a husband.
P.S. Wedding vows are a promise, and it sounds like a cowardice move since he can’t stand by his word to honor, love, and cherish you “for better or for worse…etc.” You can always suggest counseling, but I really hope the best for you. It is good to grieve this if he cannot move forward with you because, to me, it sounds like he doesn’t understand what marriage means and he isn’t fulfilling his duty as a husband. That really angers me.
*Hugs to you*
Post # 23
@MissGreen: Yep. I’m supportive of her getting help, but I’m not offering codependence. She needs to get professional help instead of getting tons of sympathy. The boards are not going to make her better, but a counselor or physician can.
Post # 24
@Lt.Columbo: I think what you said about acting in ways our partners don’t understand is key — if you vow to be there for someone, always, you should not hold a medical issue against them. Especially with anxiety, depression and other mental health concerns, because those are things that really need non-judgemental care and support. You help your spouse get through to the other side and THEN you work on having it not happen again. You don’t just leave.
There’s being down and wallowing, and then there’s real, chemical depression. You can’t really will your brain into fixing itself when you are that far down the rabbit hole, so to speak. It needs outside perspective from a trained professional, in my opinon, with support from those who love you unconditionally.
Post # 25
First, I think he definitely needs to be more patient and understanding of your situation. It sounds like you are depressed. My brother has battled depression, and I’ve seen how debilitating that can be. I can also understand how frustrating it is to be the person trying to support someone with depression, but this is your husband, and there’s no excuse for his behavior.
That being said, you need to seek the help of a doctor. It’s very hard to manage your depression without treatment, whether it’s medication or just counseling. Make an appointment and show your husband that you want to work to make yourself healthy again. Ask him to go with you. I’m sure once he sees that you want to try to get better then he’ll be more understanding.
ETA: Some PPs are comparing depression to diabetes or cancer, and I think it’s valid, but that just means OP needs to be proactive about her condition. If my SO had diabetes or cancer, I would obviously want him to seek medical treatment and not waste away at home, which is all PPs were saying, IMO.
Post # 26
@Ka393: You are not alone. Many women experience the same feelings. Getting married and moving are huge life changes! Having said that, your feelings are justified and normal and I’m sorry you are going through this.
Just like the other PP’s are saying it sounds like you are experiencing some symptoms of depression. Hundreds of thousands of people experience depression in their lives. Here are some of the clinical signs so you can educate yourself.
If you live in an area where there are mental health services you could look into counseling. Otherwise, if you want to try medication your regular doctor can prescribe something. Or you could take St. John’s Wart available at any drugstore. If you choose to do medication it will take several weeks before you see improvement.
A couple of books I recommend are What No One Tells the Bride and/or Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.
As far as your husband is concerned, he may not even realize you could be depressed. If you find that you are then you could try showing him the symptoms and explain to him what you are experiencing so he can better understand what you are going through. You could negotiate some sort of treatment for yourself and reevaluate how you each feel, not just him, after a couple months of treatment before you move to something like separating.
Post # 27
@MadameTussaud: Actually I think a lot of people get wonderful support from these boards and they feel better, not that I disagree about getting professional help.
ETA: I mean, she could feel better temporarily, not that it is a the same as getting professional help.
Post # 28
@Ka393:I feel for you, it’s a really tough situation you’re in… I believe I’ve read some of your posts in the past. You mentioned your husband has been working 2 jobs while you were on the hunt for your own. He’s working from 7am to 10pm.. that’s ROUGH. He’s frustrated and I think he’s just trying to light a fire under your butt.
When I was fresh out of grad school and unemployed for a few months, my Fiance told me straight up that we wouldn’t be able to be together if I didn’t start bringing in some money.. we had a wedding to pay for afterall.. It made me realize that I shouldn’t hold out for a job in my field.. especially in this economy! It got to the point where he told me even working at Taco Bell would bring in SOME sort of income and to just DO IT. Fortunately I’m now working decent hours at a place that is somewhat related to my field and the Fiance and I are in a MUCH better place.
I just wanted to share my own experience with being unemployed, feeling pretty lost, and just having no motivation for anything.
Post # 29
@ThePrincessMaggie: I agree, and hopefully we can convince her that it is not something to be ashamed of.
Post # 30
You’re depressed and need medical attention. Look for resources, or post your location, and we’ll help look for resources to find a counseling center. There are crisis numbers usually in each community and they might be able to point you to some counseling services. I’m so sorry, I’ve been so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed before. I understand and it’s a struggle some days.
Post # 31
@Ka393: From experience, you sound potentially clinically depressed. (Feeling sad, crying when you’re not sure why, lack of joy from typical activities, lack of motivation, etc.) I went through a very similar thing. It sounds like it’s very much situational for you as it was for me (school). Depression is an illness just like Diabetes or Hypertension. It’s tough, but there are lots of resources out there to help. *HUGS* to you. Please PM if you want to talk about it more. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want you. It’s just that sometimes this is rough for loved ones to deal with also. It’s not something that will go away overnight, but it is something that can definitely get better. Take care, dear!