(Closed) He doesn’t want me anymore..

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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It sounds to me like your husband just doesn’t understand depression, and he won’t until you go see a doctor who can explain it to both of you. It is hard for a lot of people (myself included) to understand depression and know and believe deep down that it is different from just being unmotivated. It sounds to me like he is just trying to shock you out of your rut, something that would be my first instinct as well. 

Once you can be diagnosed with an actual illness I think that the “in sickness and in health” part of your vows will kick in for him, but until then he’s going to see it as you just being lazy and not pulling your weight. 

Have you tried asking him to help you find a doctor? I think that this is really the first step. Maybe you aren’t depressed, maybe you have glandular fever or a similar disease where it is nearly impossible to get out of bed. 

It must be very hard for him to have imagined life with the woman he married, imagined building a future together and now have a woman how can’t even get out of bed to go to a job interview which would mean a better life for both of you. He must be thinking “doesn’t she love me enough that she couldn’t even get out of bed?”

This is a hard situation for you both, but you have to try your best to cut him some slack and get help for the both of you.

Post # 63
43 posts
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am so sorry!  Meds even short term would definitely help.  Post Wedding day depression IS common.  I have seen it last up to a year in some of my friends.  I think it depends on how much energy you put in to planning your big day and how it turned out but I am no expert.  I think when people say focus your energy into planning your marriage and NOT into planning your big party, there must be some wisdom behind that! 

Post # 64
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

OP, you sound like me about six years ago.  I moved across the country to live with my fiance (now my husband).  My whole life was turned upside down.  I had kind of lost everything that made me, “me.”  I couldn’t even say I had my independence because I relied on him for everything.  I went on medication that helped balance out my brain chemistry, so I wasn’t sitting up crying all night then sleeping until noon every day.

It was when I got a job and started building up a life for myself again that things started to turn around.  I needed to get up in the morning because I had somewhere I needed to be.

Please grab the phone and call your doctor right now to make an appointment for the first available time.  It’s the first step in helping yourself to heal.   It will probably take a few weeks for any meds to kick in, or you may even need to change meds at some point.  But please DO NOT give up on getting yourself some help.  

And call your mother–talking about this with someone you know is there for you will be immensely helpful.  She’ll help you figure this out even if your husband hasn’t been very supportive.  

Post # 66
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so sorry. I honestly suggest counseling. to be perfectly honest, my Fiance is out of a job right now and if he just “didnt get out of bed” for his interview I would be SO upset. but, I would not end it. xoxoxox

be strong! talk to him. 

Post # 67
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Ka393: You need to start looking into sliding-scale, low-cost/no-cost mental health care options in your area. Most places throughout the country have counseling clinic options that are designed to help low-income families. Your self-help books will be good, but you and your hubby need to start Googling for clinics in your area.

Post # 68
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I realize seeing a counselor can be expensive but either try to follow the advice of @village_skeptic or ask your husband to help you do this, ideally he could go with you to some sessions to develop skills to support you. If you are looking into self help books I really recommend Undoing Depression. I realize depression can make everything seem impossible, but just keep trying…you will make progress and don’t beat yourself up for the down days (and I realize all of these things are much easier said than done).

Post # 69
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@village_skeptic: I second this. I’ve been without health insurance for most of my adult life, and there are almost always places that charge you on a sliding scale based on income, you just have to find them. I see a therapist now and it costs $4 per session since I’m a broke grad student. And I live in a tiny town in Wyoming. These kinds of places are out there, you just have to find them. Self help books are a wonderful start, but you absolutely must see a doctor. I’ve been on both sides of the coin: so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and missed job interviews and I’ve been with someone who was so depressed they couldn’t get out of bed. I know how tight money can be, but you have to see a doctor!

Post # 70
330 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP. See a counselor. Even if you can’t find a free or low cost one, spend the money. Borrow from your parents, make your husband pay, do whatever you have to do. There is literally nothing more important that you could spend money on. It’s your health. And if you are too depressed to go to job interviews, it’s an investment in your financial well-being as well. Good luck.

Post # 71
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is there a free clinic in your town?  Is there some place that offers free health services?  Your husband may have not told you to go to your parents in a nice way, but if you need to do that for health reasons then so be it!  Going to visit your parents for a while is not unreasonable.  Just make sure your DH knows you are visiting your parents to get well, not to leave him.  You will be back!

ETA:  Honestly, sitting around your place with your DH doing more of the same as your DH gets more frustrated and your state remains the same is not going to help.  

Post # 72
11 posts

I’m so sorry. I completely understand what your going through. Sounds like your suffering from depression. Do you have someone you can talk to? I went to counseling for a couple of years and it helped me through a rough time in my life. It’s really upsetting that he said he wants to end it, but give it time. My boyfriend has horrible coping skills and when I was going through a hard time in my life, he said the same thing. But once he realized how much he was losing by letting me go, he snapped out of it and learned to be more supportive. When two people get together, they have issues stemming from their pasts that they have to learn to adjust to. If your husband can’t learn to be there in good times and bad, then you’re better off with out him. It sounds horrible now, but time will ease the pain. I really hope things work out. Hang in there and never give up hope.

This is kind of random and it’s not an ad, but i’m reading a book called “Love is a Choice”- Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships. It’s a great book and it’s helping me to understand myself more. I’m NOT reading it because I want to break up with my boyfriend. I just want to stop the cycle of behavior that leads to unhealthiness in relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships, but family relationships. I think this is a book most people can relate to. I don’t know if it’s relevent to what your going through but it might help. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Choice-Definitive-Unhealthy-Relationships/dp/0785263756

Post # 73
11 posts

In regards to the other posts, I got counseling free of cost when I had no insurance and also, when I had state (low income) health coverage. In California we have Medi-cal and we even have county funded health coverage (my boyfriend had this when he was still in school). I’m a huge advocate of counseling! More people should go to counseling, more then they would like to admit they need it.

Post # 74
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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Actually I completely disagree with you. Telling his sick wife that her illness isn’t his problem, that he can’t afford to pay for any kind of medical help for her, and that she should move back in with her parents so they can deal with her, and TELLING HER VIA TEXT THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE, are not the actions of a mature, supportive husband. Those are the actions of a pathetic scared boy who has no idea how to be a real partner.

OP: you are ill. You need medical help. Like a PP said, there is absolutely nothing in your life that should be more important to either of you than GETTING YOU TO A DOCTOR. This will NOT go away, or get better, on its own.

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