(Closed) He doesnt want to have a baby…

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow I’m so sorry!

I just can’t understand though, if he doesn’t want a baby, why were you going unprotected? It doesn’t make sense and I would have assumed the same as you did.

You are right in the fact that you will have to live with your decision all your life if you decide not to have this baby – not him. I know a girl who made that choice because she was single and very young and didn’t want a baby herself, and 9 years later, STILL feels very bad about it. I can’t imagine what it would be like if she would not have minded having the baby but made that choice after being pressured into it.

I know predicting the future is impossible, but I really doubt that he would resent you all his life if you have the baby – once it comes, things tend to change a lot and you fall in love with your kid..

I really hope he comes around, but in the end, you have to make the choice that is right for you and your family..

Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow, I’m sorry.  It’s really awful how he’s being.  Some women have abortions and go on with life and really have no regrets… but I don’t think that would be the case for you if you went that route.  It sounds like you want this baby and I think you would resent being pressured into changing your mind.  Maybe it’s time for a serious sit down talk with your Fiance.  You two must be doing ok if you’re buying a house.  Maybe it’s not the “ideal” time, but this happened, and there’s really no going back.  Things are never going to be the same in the relationship no matter what you decide.  You two were planning to have a family one day – it seems a little brutal to get an abortion just because this happened a few years earlier than expected.  I’m pro choice, don’t get me wrong, but I think it woudl be really unfortunate if you got pushed into an abortion just to keep the peace with him and your Mother-In-Law, given the situation.

If you know in your heart you’ll keep it I think you need to make it 100% clear to him and his mom that you’re keeping the baby.  If he “doesn’t want you to raise it alone” then he needs to sack up ASAP and help raise it as a father and husband.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow.  I am also confused as to what exactly he was expecting since you guys were using NO protection.  But I suppose that’s beside the point.  Honestly, I am pro-choice, so I support every woman’s right to choose, but I know that I, personally, could never have an abortion.  If it’s not something you can live with, you shouldn’t do it because he’s pressuring you to.  You’ll resent him forever.  This is a horrible situation, and I’m not sure there’s a solution that will make everyone happy, but you just have to do what you think is right for you and your baby.  Talk to him, communicate communicate communicate, and hope he comes around, but you can’t decide to abort a pregnancy because other people tell you to.  If you end up having to do this alone, you can do it–but hopefully it won’t come to that.  (((HUGS)))

Post # 6
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I just have to say protection is not solely in the realm of the guy. If you knew that ultimately this is “your burden” and you were with a man who was telling you he did not want a baby, then you should’ve used protection. 

With that said having the baby is ultimately your choice but I can’t say I don’t understand where your husband is coming from. Just like you wouldn’t like it if he forced you to lose it, I’m sure he doesn’t like you forcing him to keep it. I would suggest you trying to get on his level and say “I know this isn’t ideal, and I’m sorry but here’s how I think we can make it work…”

Post # 7
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If you had both decided to wait to have kids, and talked about that, I don’t understand why you were not using any protection, or hadn’t talked about the fact that you were not using any protection.

Did he know you were not using any protection? If not, do you think there is a chance he feels you have somehow planned this pregnancy, or gotten pregnant on purpose? If he feels like this, I can understand why he is mad. I’m not saying it’s right, or nice of him to be acting the way he is, but what were the discussions before you went off birth control? Were the two of you 100% level with each other about not using any protection? If not, I think you need to level with him now, and really sit down and talk about everything.

The decision is yours to make, and any option has consequences, both positive and negative. No choice is an “easy way out”, for either of you. Sorry if this comes across meanly, its not meant that way. (hugs), it’s def not an ideal situation you are in.

Post # 8
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Just a month ago you posted how badly you and your Fiance wanted to have a baby, even saying that you were praying you were pregnant. What changed??? If you wanted a baby that badly only a short time ago I’m just a little confused. Its hard for me to see you say that and then say you are considering “your options” you wanted a baby and were praying for one? I just don’t understand.

Post # 9
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Sounds to me like: you want the baby, he doesn’t and is vocal about it.  I would move on as a single parent myself.  Knowing he doesn’t want to man up at this point would be enough for me to step away from the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

How long has he had to process the news about the baby? And how does he usually react to change? It could be that he is overwhelmed and hasn’t had time to really process. Additionally, if he hates change, he could be trying to control the situation by resisting the change. This doesn’t excuse his behavior but it might show how his reaction is about him (his inability to adjust to change) and not about you or the baby. If this is the case, he might come around once the pregnancy seems more real to him. I have read that often it isn’t until men can feel the baby move that the pregnancy feels real to them. Also, it is much different to reject a pregnancy you can’t even see yet than a living, breathing, out in the world child.

I think you need to make the decision to have the baby separately from the decision to marry or stay with your fiance. If you want to keep the baby, you should keep it.  Case in point: A friend of mine recently got pregnant and got engaged (I suspect the engagement was because of the pregnancy, but they were a long-term relationship). However, she has decided to call off the relationship because it just wasn’t right. She is keeping her baby and enlisting the support of her friends and family to help raise it. I am not sure whether the father will be in the picture. The point is, these are less than ideal circumstances, but you can find a way to make it work. Please don’t despair—it will be okay. Don’t let your fiance pressure you into something you will regret, whether that be related to the baby, the marriage, or both.

Post # 11
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

I am sorry you have to go through so much stress during such a important time.

FIRST of all u did not get pregnant on ur own. If you not getting pregnant was so important to him then he would have discussed birth control with you and wear a condom.  This is so not fair to you and the baby. You have to decide if u want to do things to suit everyone else or to make you happy?

Post # 12
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

Let’s all get over the ‘why weren’t you using’ protection thing because that’s not going to help in this situation. What’s done is done and the OP already said that they were both guilty of not communicating well.

That said, OP, please don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. What’s done is done and while you don’t have to have a baby, no one should pressure you into, or out of abortion, especially the one person you should love and trust most in the world. I am very, very pro-choice. But this strikes me very much as your choice and if you choose to keep it, your husband should be supportive of that. We can be PC and say that it’s his choice too, but it will effect you far more than him, it’s your health, the risks are yours to bear alone and ultimately you would be putting your body through a fairly major and painful procedure to accommodate him. This says nothing of the emotional toll you would endure, all the more considering this is something you want. It seems to me that if a baby is something you want, it would be remiss to have an abortion just because he isn’t ready. I think abortion is a very difficult decision anyway, but please think about how you would feel a few years down the road when planned baby #1 comes along. Aborting for the sake of convenience may have repercussions with future children and your relationship. Do you think you’d resent him for his role in your decision to abort? If so, don’t do it.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 13
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@flakeofsnow: <– that.  If you both knew there was no protection involved, then there’s something wrong.  the chances were in the favor of being pregnant than not. 

if he’s not going to step up and take responsibility, then you really don’t need him. 

I WAS a single mom (who lived with her parents in a NON-IDEAL situation) who would NEVER have considered having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption. (we’re adults, let’s just get it out in the open, shall we?)

if the baby is what you want, then keep it.  Leave him and raise the child on your own.  it won’t be easy, but it IS possible.  LOTS of mothers do it and many find a man who’ll own up to the responsibility of being a parent. 

sit down with him, talk it out, and then decide what is best for YOU, him and the BABY.  don’t stay in a situation where you won’t get any support or where the baby isn’t treated with the love and care it deserves from BOTH PARENTS.

and yes, my daughter was one of those “ooops” moments (despite the fact I know in my heart and so does he that it was SUPPOSED to happen and even birth control wouldn’t have stopped it…).  He suggested abortion (I’d had gallbladder surgery and nausea meds in the first trimester) and I refused.  No way could I have gone through with it.  He stepped up, made me realize it wasn’t an ideal time, but we kept our daughter and he was thrilled to be a father.  (well, I still made his life misery for even mentioning an abortion, but… oh well.  my perogative since he KNEW how I felt, lol).  now? we’re STILL together (too stubborn to not be, lol), he’s the best dad I could ever want, and we’re planning on getting married in 2012. (our daughter is 4, btw, and my son from my ex-husband is 8).

there was A LOT of arguments and fights, and hurt feelings during that 9 months.  but it worked itself out. 

do what YOU think is best, but DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured to do something you don’t want to.  you know your husband best and you know what his behavior is. 

good luck and I hope my story helps. 🙂 

just don’t mention this to my FI’s family 😉

Post # 14
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree that you can do this on your own if you want and you shouldn’t feel pressured into having an abortion.

But I’m wondering how much you two have talked about this together. What is his main area of concern? Money? Time? Freedom? If you want to make it work between the two of you, I’d try to find out what his biggest worry is and see if you can work on it together. Like figure out a budget or scale back on wedding plans if he’s worried about money.

In any case it might be a good idea to put off your wedding plans until you decide what you want to do about the baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m really sorry to hear this. He’s had plenty of time to come around. You want the baby, but he doesn’t. Well, if you keep it, is he even going to stick around? I do think maybe a more in depth discussion would help—address his fears, don’t discount them.

Post # 16
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This guy doesn’t sound like marriage material to me. He sounds like a selfish jerk. You’d be happier making your own choice about the baby…even if it means you lose him.

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