(Closed) He doesn’t want to plan anything…. (long rant)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t know if my post is going to help but to be honest….most guys really don’t care. I’ve been going through this with my fiance as well and all he is concerned about is marrying me, the love of his life. Of course that is sweet and all, but, that doesnt take off any type of load off of me. What I have realized is they dont care about every single detail. You need to find out what details you REALLY need his opinion on, and then from there maybe once every few days, throw in one question. Guys dont like to feel pressured and they get “stressed” when we throw too much on them. I have kinda mastered this technique so if you need help, let me know lol Its a shame we have to scheme on ways to get their input, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do!

Post # 4
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So sorry! I totally understand where you’re coming from – I’m a total Type-A planner and Mr. PP is more of a laid-back “it’ll all work out don’t worry” type. I was also driving him nuts because he couldn’t understand why I had to make lists and timelines and figure out how to get Save-The-Date Cards done, etc, and it just made him grumpy because “all I wanted to do is talk about the wedding.” (Which, of course, in my mind, made perfect sense, since we all know how important it is to be organized up front!) 

Finally, after seeing a really smart post from another bee (wish i could find it to credit her – anyone else remember this?) about how she instituted wedding “meetings” with actual agendas once a week or every two weeks, and didn’t discuss wedding stuff with her Fiance outside of that, I decided to do the same thing. In the first meeting, I gave Mr. PP a list of all the possible details (music, lighting, food, bar, cake, invites, favors, etc.) and asked what he cared about. We agreed that anything other than those things would be up to me, unless I needed his opinion on a final selection or wanted to go over the agreed-upon budget – anything he listed as something he cared about would get discussed in the weekly meeting and a few of those things he agreed to take the reins on (finding a band, for instance). Also, for all the things he said he didn’t care about, he couldn’t complain about if he didn’t like what I chose! 

Life has been MUCH better since then – I can still be all Type A and get things done a year in advance, and he doesn’t feel like our entire relationship is about the wedding (and really, it’s been pretty nice to have space back in our relationship to do the things we enjoy outside of the wedding!) I agree with @Alicia Harris: boys just aren’t as into the party planning as we tend to be, and it’s hard for them to care about all of it – it’s frustrating, but with patience, workable, I promise!  Good luck, keep us posted!

Post # 6
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Alicia Harris: AMEN! This is exactly what I’m going through as well. And not the mention Mr. KO is a touch resentful that we aren’t eloping on a cruise, he seems to be coming around a little though with the wedding being so soon.

@tmsimon: The only thing I can add to Alicia’s post it to not take it personally. I’m sure he cares, he just doesn’t understand things from a bride’s point of view. Do what you can do yourself, and just bug him about the stuff he needs to worry about. I would definitely keep on him about those suits, but it sounds like you’re on your own with the music!

Post # 8
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@tmsimon: It seems like you are hoping for planning help from your fiance when what you really need to be asking him for is support. Getting him to care about planning the wedding seems like it is a losing battle. He’s already made it clear that he wants to elope and that he has no interest in planning a wedding. You knew (or should have known) going into this that he would not be interested in helping actually plan the thing since he said as much. However, he should absolutely be supporting you as a person and not fighting you every step of the way on the work you are putting into this. I would recommend sitting down with him and saying something like “Hey, I know you wanted to elope and putting work into the wedding is not your cup of tea. But I need you to know that it is really important to me to plan a personal wedding that I feel is a celebration of our love. I don’t expect you to plan the wedding alongside me, but I really need your emotional support right now, as I am working really hard to turn this into a wonderful day that reflects our love for one another. I know it may seem like I am stressing out over all of these little details, but by getting these things sorted out now, I am making it so that I don’t have to be stressed out on our wedding day and we can have an awesome time making this commitment to each other.”

And then I would recommend bouncing all of your ideas off of a close friend or family member instead of your fiance. Have you two agreed upon a budget? As long as you’re not going over budget, be more forceful in making decisions independently of your fiance. As opposed to saying, “Hey, why don’t you get your suits made through this great website?” say, “I made an appointment for you tomorrow to get your measurements taken. I’ll go with you two and afterwards we can go get lunch at your favorite restaurant!” The day-of coordinator is an element to the planning that you didn’t even need to bring up with your husband, let alone ask him if it would be a good idea to have one or not.

Does that make sense?

Post # 10
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@tmsimon: Interesting. I think that’s all something you should talk about with your fiance–that diving into wedding planning is really helping you come to terms with being unemployed. It’s difficult to going from feeling like you had someplace to be and something to do every day to feeling purposeless! Not only that, but moving around all the time and just generally feeling ungrounded. I’m sure it’s difficult in a way your fiance can’t really understand. Your fiance may see wedding planning in a different light if you share with him how much it’s benefiting you to have this as a project. Good luck, and keep us posted on how things go!

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