He ended it just now.

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

ahsoka :  

I’m another poster who has really enjoyed your comments and perspectives on this site. Very wise and balanced. I hope you take time to acknowledge your own wisdom and validate and affirm yourself, while also taking what lessons you can out of this.

Like RayofLight said, there is nothing wrong with fighting for a relationship. If you really love someone, it is only natural in many ways. It also ensures that if things do not work out, you can move on without any regret. So please don’t spend any time feeling ashamed about this. It shows that you loved and dreamed big, and that is beautiful.

Not every relationship that doesn’t work out is a mistake – most are there to teach us important lessons and bring us to important places in our lives.

However, of course, a relationship in which you feel constant anxiety and as if you are always striving for the other person’s love is no good.

I also think you made an important point about distracting yourself with fantasy and using that to make up for the flaws in your real life relationship. In that sense, this site can be a crutch and too much time on it can be unhealthy – I think it’s important to examine your motives for spending time on here.

I think you’ve made a wonderful point as well about the perfect proposal/ring/wedding versus a true, strong, solid love. People can get caught up in the image and the story so much that they miss the wood for the trees.

My best advice always is to listen to your heart.

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you and I’m really sorry for the pain you are feeling. Do absolutely anything that you need to comfort and protect and care for yourself. (Wine, bubble baths, music, take a day off work…)

Post # 33
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. *hugs*

I would say maybe the one positive thing to think about now is that at least you won’t be going through a divorce down the road. I’m glad he was kind to you as well.

I called off my own (first) wedding a couple months prior to it. He talked me back into it and then we got married. It was a similar situation to yours it seems. He was my best friend. I loved him in a certain way, but I wasn’t in love with him. I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be. A year later we were divorced. It ended amicably. We hugged goodbye after signing paperwork at the courthouse. I’ve seen him around a little bit the last couple years. His new woman is much better for him than I ever was. She’s totally the opposite of me. I like her.

And.

Now I’m happily married, to a man that’s completely different than my first husband.

It just works. I now know what love is supposed to feel like. Sometimes things click. Sometimes we have to go through some terrible things and bad choices and then some just-okay choices to find something that works better for us.

I wish you all the best. xo.

Post # 34
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

I am so so sorry Bee. My only advice is to let yourself grieve and allow/ reach out to others to support you through it. You aren’t alone in this. The other bees are right, you’re never too old to find real, true love. 

Sending so much love and an endless amount of hugs your way xxx

Post # 35
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’m so very sorry. Thinking of you.

Post # 36
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry. 🙁 Sending big hugs. You WILL get through this and come out better on the other side. 

Post # 37
Member
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Bee. You seem like a very kind person and I’m sure you will find the right person for you after you take some time to heal.

Post # 38
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

ahsoka :  Yeah, everytime we would get back together I’d be so happy…but also angry and hurt. I mean, he had just broken my heart, and I went months barely eating and sleeping…but now suddenly everything just has to be ok? I swallowed my feelings all the time, but they would always out in little ways. Usually in the form of insecurity, jealousy, moodiness. How could I be secure when he showed me he was willing to leave me? I should have realized something from that – he got back together with me almost as a favor to me. If he had been serious about wanting me back, he would have understood my feelings and tried to support me through them. Instead, they helped lead us to the next breakup. 

You know, it’s really hard to break from a love like that. It’s such an emotional roller coaster and pretty addicting, much more so than a relationship that’s always good or always bad. You feel such a high when things are good and so low when they aren’t. But I learned something – sometimes love (racing heart, anxious, excitement) feels like fear. And I mistook fear for love a lot of the time. Real love isn’t like that. 

I’m a bit older – 38, though I can hardly believe it – and getting married this year. But I spent many, many years unable to date seriously because I was so messed up from my bad relationship. So my suggestion to you is to find yourself a decent therapist because if you are like how I was at the end of that relationship, you probably have a lot of trust issues and a warped idea of what love should be. You CAN find love again, and a better love. 

Post # 39
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts/vibes your way <3 I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 40
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

ahsoka :  I am so sorry. Sending you many hugs… you will find your perfect man, age means absolutely nothing

My father after divorcing my mom after a 20 year marriage found the love of his life at 43.. they just got married a few months ago after 8 years together

Please dont be discouraged you sound like a wonderful and kind person <3

Post # 41
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry, bee.  I was broken up with out of the blue (in a text message!) a few months before my wedding.  We had a gorgeous ceremony planned.  He had spent $10,000 on a stunning, flawless diamond ring.  It all meant nothing though.  I remember at the time thinking I would have traded all of that for a man who really wanted to be with me.  I had little hope at the time that I would be happy again.  I am in my 30s, and an introvert, and I thought it would be nearly impossible to find love again.  Not to mention, I was exhausted from bending so much of my life around my ex and trying to force it all to work. 

Fast forward a few years later and I’m engaged again.  It’s a completely different experience, but it’s genuine, and it’s wonderful. 

The one piece of advice I would give myself if I could go back to my heaviest grief days, would be to not have so much anxiety about the future.  At the time I was so concerned about what was going to happen next.  Please don’t let yourself dwell on anxious thoughts like these – they will hold back your healing!  You will be OK.  You sound like you have a really good head on you!r shoulders.  Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.

Post # 42
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

All of my relationships besides the one I’m in now and my very first relationship were like that. Constant fear due to multiple break ups- making me think it was all my fault because of who I am as a person. You deserve PEACE. You deserve to feel welcome and wanted and loved and appreciated. Even if that means you have to be alone for a while, and I feel like that will be the biggest help. Loving and appreciating yourself makes it easier to get to a place of peace. I’m so sorry you’re in this position, but down the road, you may look back and be grateful that things went this way so that you can be truly happy. Wishing you peace during this time.

Post # 43
Hostess
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I just saw this post. Oh, my heart hurts for you Bee. I am so, so sorry this has happened. But it does sound like it’s going to be better in the long run. And as a Bee who met her person at an older age, I promise you there is hope. Sending you so much love and light tonight sweet Bee ❤️❤️❤️

Post # 45
Member
2464 posts
Buzzing bee

That book was so helpful in my healing process after my divorce and it made me look at relationships in a whole different way.  

You will get through this and come out stronger on the other end!  

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