Post # 1
I’m ready, he wants to be but feels like he still has some maturing to do but I don’t understand what he means. He says he’s not the man he needs to be (his analogy is that he’s a cake not ready to come out of the oven). He also still feels a bit like he’s a student and not quite an adult. He’s listed things like sorting health insurance as stuff he needs to do to ‘be a man’. He also says he feels more ready now than he did 2 weeks ago but can’t quantify/explain it.
Please help me understand!
Situation: I’m 21, uni postgrad student while looking for a new job, have decent savings, little debt and small income at present. He’s 22, recently graduated and 3 weeks into his first ‘real’ (i.e. full time) job, student debt and no savings but job is helping. Together 15 months, living together for 9 of those. Been through a lot together and consider each other best friends. He’s said it will happen before September (my birthday)
Thanks in advance
Post # 3
I don’t see what he needs to explain, he is not in the position where he wants to be to get married. He is not ready yet and needs to take care of adult responsibilities first.
Post # 4
@Pupperoni: The fact he wants to take care of adult responsibilities first and isn’t in the position he wants to be is obvious. What I’m having trouble understanding is how he feels more ready without anything to quantify that with. THAT is what I’m having trouble understanding!
Post # 5
It’s only been a little over a year and you’re both young. He just graduated and he probably just doesn’t feel like he’s a grown up yet.
Post # 6
I doubt it’s entirely about attaining certain goals prior to becoming engaged. That may be a part of it, and he probably does want to accomplish things like getting insurance or paying off a credit card or whatever else. But I suspect that he also wants to come to terms with more nebulous feelings that can’t be quantified. Sometimes wrapping my mind around a concept is just a matter of living with it for awhile and isn’t something that can be measured.
Post # 7
I think feeling like you are ready to get married is not something you can really quantify, it varies for every person. There is no list saying how old you must be, how much money you should have, how long you must be together, etc. It is really just a feeling that I think you just start to feel one day.
Post # 8
Everyone is different. Most men aren’t ready to get married that young. People mature at different ages. He probably still wants to be a kid. If you rush him he’ll either end it or he’ll end of regretting it and blaming you. If you want to wait for him than wait if not than leave. It’s good that he recognizes that he’s not ready for it.
At least he’s being honest though. Some men would lie just to please the woman they love to keep her.
Post # 9
It really differs from person to person, and please TRUST me when I say that pushing a guy that young to get engaged when he’s not sure if he’s ready or mature for it is asking for disaster. I proposed to my ex-fiance in 2011 and he said yes, we spent a year planning a wedding for 2013. Last year around March, we started arguing and it came out that he wasn’t even sure he wanted to get married or have a family because he felt he needed to spend so much more time working on himself before he could come to wanting those things.
At least your guy is being 100% up-front and honest with you right now. You’re both so, so young and have a lot of time and personal development ahead. There’s no need to rush into a marraige when you can just enjoy your relationship and each other and support one another’s growth.
Post # 10
It’s hard to explain that he doesn’t know exactly why he’s not quite ready, but he is sure about wanting to marry me. He has said he “wants to be the man I need him to be” before he asks. He even looks at wedding-y things and picked a venue! I agreed because it’s gorgeous 😉
@MissCalifornia: I’m trying very hard not to push, I’m doing the SIUP 🙂
It’s going to happen, just having a tough waiting day. People are starting to ask when it will happen, and I keep getting reminded about all the other big things I’m waiting for (job, grad #2, house, cat). It’s a little overwhelming!
Post # 11
what don’t you understand? He’;s not ready to get married. I don’t blame him – he’s 22, you guys are young! You have your whole lives ahead of you for marriage and kids. Just enjoy graduating and establishing yourselves in your careers for now.
Post # 12
It sucks waiting but he is still very young. Marriage is supposed to be for life so let him get sorted out first.
Post # 13
@alsgirl: He’s not ready. There’s nothing to understand. And frankly, he’s smart. He’s only 22, fresh out of college, and three weeks into the “real world” and you want to push him to get married. Sounds like HE is the one that understands the weight of marriage and knows not to rush it.
Team Your Boyfriend.
Post # 14
22 is very young and he only started his job recently, he probably wants it established and to feel like an actual adult. I thought I felt like an adult when I was 16, when I was 18, 21, 23, and now 25 I still feel like an adult but looking back, I wasn’t and likely still am not.
You also have not been dating very long for the younger age. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing it, but it’s true. My fiance and I have been dating 3 1/2 years and it wasn’t until he was 25 that he was ready to propose, and neither was I.
I know that you are ready but if you plan to marry, you plan to spend the rest of your life with him, which is typically about 40-60 years. What’s another couple months to couple years to assure he isn’t feeling pressured and is actually ready for it?
Post # 15
he’s exteremly young, and so are you. its probabable you both have some maturing to do…
Post # 16
You guys are MAD young. He feels like he has maturing to do, because he literally has maturing to do! You know how many guys I know who got engaged/married at 22? 3. They are all divorced by 30. Wait until you guys are a little older, and more settled.