(Closed) He feels as though he still has maturing to do…please help me understand!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well three weeks ago he just got his first real job. Not surprising he feels a little more ready now.

Post # 48
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sure your BF is a good guy. He doesn’t want to end up in a big hole of debt from getting you a ring and paying for a wedding. I’m sure he’s not trying to avoid it, because if that was the case then you wouldn’t still be together, would you? It’s just not in the cards for you to be engaged right. this. second.

 

Maybe seeing all of your friends getting hitched is putting the edge on you? BF and I are 24 and have been together for 6 years, longer than every single couple that we’ve seen engaged since we graduated. If I had a dollar for every FB status on my timeline saying ENGAGED, then I wouldn’t have to be on the search for a job 😉 Don’t push him. Keeping the support for each other is the best way to show him you’re the one!

Post # 50
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with a lot of PP. My SO and I were together for just under a year before he would even talk about marriage without cringing. It wasn’t until recently that he got that “feeling” that they have all talked about and it definitely happens at different stages for everyone. One day he just came to me and told me that he wanted to marry me some day and we started ring shopping. It wasn’t that long before that that he was really hesitant about the subject, so I don’t know what clicked in his head that he wanted it. Men just have to want it for themselves, and when they are ready, they are ready. I can tell you what though, talking about it non stop or pushing them into it does NOTHING for the cause. LOL.

Post # 51
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First of all, i’m sorry you’re having a hard time and are bummed out. I can say, without a doubt, everyone here has been in your shoes. I will say, though, it is admirable he was honest with you instead of just telling you what you wanted to hear.

Second, I hate to just rehash what everyone else has said, but I have to agree on several points.  One that stood out to me is how much slower men seem to be ready for things than we are.  I remember being 21 and dating a guy who was 30, owned his own business, home, cars, etc and thinking that CERTAINLY such an established man was marriage/committment-minded.  Negative: after messing around in that situation for 2 years, THEN he gets direct with me and tells me he is nowhere NEAR being ready for marriage.  This was the established, 30 year old man, remember?

My current SO (and hopefully soon-to-be-fiance) of 2 years is 40 years old.  40 with a great job, great family, nice car, etc (“established/mature”) and has never been married in his life. Why? He’ll be the first to say he just hadnt found the right one and hasnt been ready. 

What i’m trying to say is understand that because he hasnt established or accomplished anything as a young adult yet, that all is making him feel not ready. If 30 and 40 year old men sometimes arent ready, then it really isnt suprising a 22 year old one wouldnt be.  It is a GOOD thing that he has been honest with you. It’s up to you as to how you utilize that information and ultimately proceed with this relationship.

Post # 52
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@alsgirl:  I think it’s pretty normal that it’s looked down upon, at least here.

It’s usually a prerogative of people whodon’thave a great education or jobs and aren’t very well travelled.

Most of my friends (me included) spent our first few years put of uni living in a different country and travelling. 

It really helps you broaden your horizons and learn more about yourself. I think in many cases people that get married very young miss out on many experiences, and that’s what’s looked down upon.

Post # 54
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@alsgirl:  she is italian. Living abroad in europe is not the same as in america or australia. Travel is ridiculously cheap there and so is living. I think travel is great but I don’t think you have to live abroad to know yourself!

Post # 55
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

He’s not ready to get engaged/married or settled down yet.  I wouldn’t look too much into it.

Post # 56
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@alsgirl:  No you definetly can! I just meant that’s a general perception many people have! 

Also it’s just very common here to live abroad for some years and that becomes hard once you are married. It can be done though!

As I said I’m not saying it applies to you specifically, I just think that once you have to think for two and not for yourself anymore and that often precludes certain possibilities so that’s why here at least it’s not considered a desirable option.

 

View original reply
@tangentialbee:  I wish the cost of living in Europe was low! 

Anyway I’m not saying it’s compulsory to live abroad, but as someone who moved to another country at 18 and lived in 3 different countries before 22 I can say it really helps you become very indipendent and gives you a different view of the world.

 

Post # 57
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@walnutgirl:  I lived there. compared to america it really is!

Post # 58
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@tangentialbee:  Really?! Where did you live? 

I think it really depends on areas, both in the EU and in the states. 

Also depends when you lived here. In Rome at least the cost of life has literally tripled in the past 10 years…

 

Post # 59
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@walnutgirl:  Spain. and it was glorious hoping on ryan air for cheap trips and food in europe is cheap, doctors are cheap, clothes are cheap. Europe was like a safe haven for my wallet! North america and australia are sooooo much more expensive in every way.

Post # 60
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@tangentialbee:  Oh yes Spain is super cheap. I used to live in Madrid and it was amazing.

But Rome is another story! Same goes for London, Paris,Venice… Also as I said things have changed a lot in the past few years due to the crisis.

Post # 61
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@walnutgirl:  well yes but comparing average cities here in aussy and there, europe is way cheaper. And rome isn’t that expensive I know english teachers there who live fine and pieces  of kibble. paris and london are. The point is it is easier for europeans to travel and live and the op shouldn’t feel bad about not having done it.

The schengen agreement alone make a comparison unfair.

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