(Closed) He finally proposed… and I said no! My waiting resentment.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 211
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

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doberman:  It’s not that we think she should have waited around for him to be “ready”, it’s that she stayed with him for years after beginning to resent him, thus wasting everyone’s time.

That’s called “settling”.

Post # 212
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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justwondering2015:  What the heck was that for?  Jeesh…

Post # 213
Member
17 posts
Newbee

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justwondering2015:  yeah that’s pretty judgemental but also, I believe that most people here agree that spiritual and emotional connection does not require a marriage certificate or religious oath.

I believe many people here do get married for the “perks” which includes health benefits and peace of mind, long term contract, legal protection of rights within the marriage, insurance benefits, financial benefits, having children in a stable home, joint parenting rights etc. Sometimes employment-related relocation is better/smoother if couple is married, sometimes it provides immigration benefits. The list goes on, and if there were no “perks”, we wouldn’t be needing a certificate or religious vow to acknowledge a spiritual and emotional connection. <br /><br />

To OP: I wish you all the best. You know yourself better than any strangers on the internet, if you have doubts about accepting the proposal, I think deep down you know that something isn’t right and marriage won’t fix it down the road. Good luck.

Post # 214
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree what juswondering said was a little harsh. But I’m going to throw my view of it out there for those of us that don’t quite understand why she left him or had such resentment. I was never technically “waiting” and I think those that made those comments never were either. So we will never truly understand what it feels like or what it would do to us if we were in that position.

Without ever going through the intense “waiting” my only viewpoint is what I’ve experienced. Yes, the “perks” of marriage (insurance… totally get this one as my Fiance does not have health insurance and won’t until he marries me… the rights in an emergency situation, financial benefits, etc) these are all important and major factors of wanting to be married. In my experience, however, those factors would not out weigh being with my fiance. I am not, in any way, shape or form, judging the love any of you have for your SO’s because I am sure it is just as strong… But I personally could not walk away from my fiance. I would rather be dating him the rest of my life (hey, they have benefits for couples living together after X amount of years as well) than marrying someone else. I just can’t conceive walking away from him because I never received a ring. I wouldn’t want a ring from anyone else anyway. The other things, we could figure out (children, living situations, etc).

I’m sure I’ll get a lot of backlash for saying these things but I think that’s where some PP’s are coming from. Clearly, the OP did not feel this way and that is 100% okay, justified, valid, and by no means deserves criticism. She made the best decision for her and what she can live with and I applaud her for taking her destiny and fate into her own hands. Some of us, having never gone through the waiting game, don’t understand it and may be quick to judge and say “Whhhaaaa??! How do you walk away from the love of your life because you didn’t get a ring when you wanted???” and we say that because we DO NOT KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I hypothetically can easily state I would be with my man forever, regardless of the technicalities, regardless of a ring or marriage certificate, and that’s my stance now. But, if I actually was put in the situation, my answer may be 180 degrees different.

We all have our own opinions, feelings, and experiences. None of us will ever understand each other’s points of views completely. And that’s ok… just trying to give my insight on the PP’s who felt similarly

Post # 215
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m with you, OP. I wasn’t really a waiting bee for long, but for the 3 months I knew my current husband had the ring, I was very, very anxious.  I can understand the emotional toll it can have on someone who’s waiting.  

Wish you the best of luck!  You sound like a mature, logical person, so I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.  

Post # 216
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

In all honesty, this seems like a power play. He made you wait and hurt you in the process, and now you have an opportunity to hurt him right back in a big way. I agree with those who’ve said that you will likely come to regret this. 

Post # 217
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, lord that’s not what I meant at all.

I don’t think anyone is criticizing you for wanting marriage. I think they’re commenting on how things happened with you and your SO. How your actions could be seen as a little confusing.

Just because this is a site about weddings it doesn’t mean that everyone is going to give off puppies and rainbow vibes. People here give honest opinions, and you have to expect that no matter what you’re posting. I just communicated that poorly.

I also think this thread is spiraling out of control and is meandering into nowhere.

ETA: I’m also not the best communicator, so I’m sorry if it seemed judgemental. I have not been reading every page of this thread, so I’m not commenting on what’s transpired. I was merely commenting on the fact that just because this is a wedding website, it doesn’t mean people can’t call you out. Foot is now properly in my mouth. Sorry, bees. 

Post # 218
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Ok I was trying to do responsible thing and read all the comments but gave up on page 8.

What I am dying to know is what was your boyfriend response to your rejection? Does he want to continue the relationship?

Post # 219
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

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SaraJeanQ:  
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doberman:  Excellent posts. Sympathy for a guy whose proposal is turned down is understandable but too many people are underestimating the emotional toll of what SaraJeanQ so aptly describes as OP’s ‘slowly breaking heart’, she’s not a villain.

Post # 220
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

Oops- duplicate post/ computer issues.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  RobbieAndJuliahaha. Reason: oops, duplicate post/ computer issues
Post # 221
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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anonykitten:  Settling? I read it more as the final straw (that broke the camel’s back).

Post # 222
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

So did you break up then???

Post # 223
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

I can’t believe some of the harsh answers I’ve just read. So, because OP realized she didn’t wish to pursue the relationship, and have been completely honest by saying no to the proposal, she’s to blame ? What was she supposed to do, say yes, get married to a man she no longer envisions herself in a relationship with, and be miserable ?

Guess what, sometimes in life, there are events that happen and make you realize crucial things about who you are and what you want in life. Sometimes the timing sucks, but you owe it to yourself and to the person you loved for so long to be completely honest when you know it’s time to put an end to the relationship.

OP, you have all my sympathy and I sincerely wish you the best. I’m sure it was a very tough decision.   

Post # 224
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

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RobbieAndJuliahaha:  Thank you!!  Appreciae it.

OP, tell us: what is your relationship now with your ex-boyfriend?  Does he still contact you (as I’m sure would after 6 years)?  are you having trouble being single, or is it surprisingly okay b/c you’ve been mentally preparing for it?

Post # 225
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

@Everleigh: I’m sorry that your relationship has come to an end this way; and I’m also sorry that some bee’s are snarky and careless in the responses they are providing. You’ve waiting a long time and no one can understand that until they’ve walked in similar shoes. I totally understand as I’m in a similar situation, come the 17th I’ve been with my SO for 7 years. The only difference is that we have lived together for almost the entire time and I have kids that he’s helped raise. I’ve tossed the idea around of leaving, but in the end I stay because I do love him so much. YOU are an extremly strong woman, WHO deserves someone who knows what he wants from the beginning and communicates it. I always say actions speak louder than words. Don’t EVER look back on your decision, whether you stay or go you know that you made a BOLD statement that will help you in your future with whatever else comes your way. YOU hold the power and control of your life, I’m in the same boat and trust me in the past 3 months I’ve taken control of my life; it’s a wonderful and empowering feeling. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Profile Photo Misstiff.

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