(Closed) He gave me a timeline! but i'm waiting on his divorce

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“I actually have a fear he will propose before finalizing and then I can’t possibly wear a ring and the answer questions people ask if the timeline depends on court dates”

If you’re worried about this then just tell him you don’t want him to propose until his divorce is final. You wrote a lot here but I’m still not quite clear on the real root of your anxiety. Are you worried that he won’t actually go through with the divorce?

Post # 3
Member
6932 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If he was the one dragging his feet before and now he’s gotten the process going and he’s excited, what’s to worry about?  You can’t tell him to hold off on his own excitement.  You can continue to be unexcited yourself – I certainly would until the deed is done.  That’s totally okay.

My biggest concern, and I mean no offense here, is that you’re not looking at this relationship with clear eyes.  It isn’t perfect.  It won’t be, none are.  If you see it that way, you’re going to cause yourself problems in the future – it’s okay to not have the most totally perfect relationship.  My second concern is that if he dragged his feet divorcing her, he could do the same to you, should the unthinkable happen.  I keep thinking about whether or not she wanted him to end this and he’s been stringing her along for years, not letting her move on with her life.  Or maybe it was a mutual decision, who knows?  But I’d be a little worried about what all that meant for my future.  Not enough to end it, but enough to make sure it wouldn’t happen twice!

Anyway I hope it works out, but do try to see things more clearly so you aren’t blindsided when he’s not “always doing the right thing” in your relationship.  Let him be human in your eyes.

Post # 4
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

How about sitting down with him and having a talk about the current status of his divorce proceedings, that you see how excited he’s getting about marriage to you but you can’t share in his excitement until you know he’s officially divorced, and that it’s bothering you? Do you know where he is with the divorce? How long ago did you give your ultimatum? Has he made progress beyond filing the paperwork? Have you talked to him about the stuff you wrote here?

I get dragging your feet on divorce when you’re single/dating casually, but when he met you and started talking about moving in together that should have been motivation enough for him to get his butt in gear. I was in a similar situation but when I met my now Fiance, separated with no intention of getting back together with my ex, but for financial reasons I wasn’t pushing for a divorce. When I met my Fiance, I hunkered down and started saving money for a lawyer within weeks of meeting him. I didn’t know then that our relationship would lead to marriage, but I did feel that it was disrespectful to him and put him in a tenuous situation when he’d already taken a risk by dating a not-yet-divorced woman. I was eager to alleviate as many of his concerns as possible, and if filling out some paperwork and paying a lawyer a bunch of money was what it took, I was willing to do it. 

Divorce really isn’t that complicated, at least not the legal aspect. Find a lawyer, pay him/her some money, and let the lawyer guide you through the process. Once the divorce ball was rolling there was a lot of back and forth regarding ownership of our house, but even with that it was only a matter of months before we had our court date and the divorce was official. You have a right to know what your boyfriend is doing in regard to the divorce. If you want him to check in with you every week to let you know the status, tell him that. Some people drag their feet on everything in life, not just the big stuff, so maybe he struggles when he encounters an obstacle and could use your help. If it would make you feel better to be involved in the process, offer to help him. 

Post # 7
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Devils Advocate here: lets say you two get married. Things don’t work out. You want a divorce -oh but SO won’t divorce you because he’d take a pay cut… Then you’re stuck being married to him. Just something to consider. 

Post # 8
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
knickergold:  +1.  Am I the only one who thinks it weird that he didn’t feel like going through with the divorce for 5 years because that means he would have to take a pay cut?  I mean, he was really willing to stay married to someone forever because he thought he would never find someone?  Makes me wonder what his ex thought of all of that.  And would I want to be in that same position if god forbid it didn’t work out.

Post # 10
Member
3535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

This would make me uneasy.  I dated a man who was seperated and not divorced one time, and promised myself I would never do it again; it’s just messy.  However, my dad and my stepmom dated throughout almost his entire seperation and both knew as soon as the divorce went through, they would get engaged, and it went exactly as planned (be it after a 3 year divorce battle).

I would question why he waited so long to start the divorce process, especially after he started dating you, but he is in the process of divorcing now and he wants to be with you.  I would have a conversation about not getting engaged until they had both signed on the dotted line, and I would watch to make sure it’s none of HIS actions that delay the divorce going forward.

Post # 11
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
freckles071611:  Inertia is a powerful thing and divorce is expensive. This guy’s reasoning for not getting a divorce is a little extreme, but I buy it. 

Post # 12
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This whole situation screams disaster.

Someone being motivated by money is a huge red flag to me. Staying separated and not following through with divorce because work pays more is greedy and downright confusing.

Also, you’ve only been dating a MARRIED man for one year! What’s the big rush? A year is not long.

And you say he’s basically perfect. That’s still ridiculous. My DH is not basically perfect. He is completely flawed, as am I.

I seriously think you need to step away from this situation for a bit and evaluate it with a clear mind. Thoughts of marriage should be non-existent until he finalizes his divorce once and for all.

Post # 13
Member
10641 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t mean this to sound rude but are you entirely sure he wants to marry you because he loves you and wants to marry you and not just so he can jump to another marriage (and not have to deal with the ex anymore) and keep his pay steady?

Idk man, its weird. Like, he did nothing about his divorce and now he’s rushing into a marriage with you all of a sudden. It just seems really fast. And what about the last year? When did he start trying to push the divorce through? Just now when he found out about your exit plan or what?

Post # 14
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
bonsaitree:  Or, are you worried that he wants to be engaged while he’s still technically married to shorten the time he’s legally unmarried to maximize his earnings? Does that make sense? Engaged while still married and then hurry to the alter after divorce is final. 

Post # 15
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

One thing at a time. You are wayyyyyyy ahead of yourself. That’s great everythings going well but unless you want to be engaged to a married man I would tell him flat out you want zero moves on that front till hes, you know, not married to another woman! 

 

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