Post # 1
I have a serious issue with my man to be. We are since soon 2 years a couple. I am 25 he is 23 and we come from different cultures. In his it is pretty normal to get kids in a young age. I was upfront to him even before we started officially dating that I NEVER want kids. If anything I MIGHT would come to terms to adopt but also only perhaps. I just don’t see any upsides at all about having a baby. I am horrified about the though of pregnancy and childbearing same as I am horrified by the though of the time after childbirth. The entire process does appeal as something that would fit into a horror movie (weight, mutilated genitalia, common lost sex drive, lost of career, freedom, having a third person inbetween us that would supposedly be more important to us than we are to each other the list goes on and on).
He is unable to see my view. And as he already does not have the highest self esteem, thinks it must be about him. That I would not want to have HIS baby. While this is a decision I made over a decade ago. Actually ever since I remember really thinking about the topic I always saw more negativ aspects than positiv. The more he pressures the topic the more pushed away I am.
He is serious about me being the one he wants to spend his life with – with or even if it means without kids. But I can’t stand the pressure. I can’t expcude that maybe in my 30’s things could change but who knows.
Feeling overwhelmed and just would appreciate any encouragement or hear if anyone can relate..?
Post # 2
I think if you can’t agree this could very possibly be a deal breaker. My husband and I agree we never want to have kids, discussing it early on in our 10 year relationship, if he had said he wanted kids and that was important to him we could not have stayed together. It’s a subject I would be unwilling to budge on and would not want to force him into a child free life he wouldn’t be happy with.
Post # 3
Unfortunately this one is a deal breaker. It’s not something that goes away. You may love each other but it’ll tear you apart. Better to move on now, IMO.
Post # 4
The only solution is to break up. It would be great if love conquered all but love won’t conquer this. Be kind to each other and find people who want what you want out of life.
I think if you were to stay together he would grow to resent you in the long run, or worse, always put pressure on you to have children. Its no way for either of you to live.
Post # 5
Sjna1991 : I’m sorry but I just laughed a little at some of the fears you listed and wanted to point out my experience…
Weight — I’m actually skinnier now than I was before I had kids.
Mutilated genitalia — Nope, lol.
Common lost sex drive — Better sex after kids (this was a nice surprise to me!)
Lost of career — Nope, I’m still an engineer.
Freedom — True, not as much freedom.
Having a third person in between us that would supposedly be more important to us than we are to each other — Yes and I LOVE this third person sooooo much 🙂 but also we are just as important to eachother as we were before.
But if you truely don’t want kids and he does, it may be best to move on…
Post # 6
Honestly it’s a basic incompatiblity that will probably break you up or cause you to divorce if you do get married. I would let him go. You are young and have time to find someone who doesn’t want kids too. When I was dating I found a lot of guys who didn’t want kids, seems like there are more of those than men who openly do.
Post # 7
DreaMT216 : +1!
I also want to add childbirth is NOT scary. It’s a beautiful thing. Maybe because I had a relatively “easy” delivery. However my pregnancy had nothing easy about it. It’s just something you cannot begin to judge until put in the situation.
Post # 8
Sjna1991 : If you are completely against having children and he is wanting children, then, like other posters have said, it’s a deal breaker. This is definitely a subject that you both need to be on the same page with and you cannot stay with someone in hopes of changing them and their stance. I do, respectfully, disagree with some of your reasoning as to not want kids. I think DreaMT216 outlined some of those points well in her reply. I understand kids aren’t for everyone, but I feel they are truly a blessing and change your life in a positive way.
Post # 9
This is a deal breaker if you two can’t come to an agreement.
You owe it to him to be honest about your feelings. My very oldest friend’s first husband said “yes, I want children.” Then a year after they were married, they were in a financial place to start trying and he told that that he “never wanted children.” They were divorced that year as she went into the marriage with the understanding that they would have kids.
Her second husband had two kids by his previous marriage and they’ve had two more.
Post # 10
Honestly I think your fears are valid. Just because someone else (or multiple someone elses, lol) have had wonderful experiences or says that their relationship didn’t change or that the pain was worth it for their little one, there are lots of folks out there who don’t have that, and who went through awful things and whose relationship changed for the worst etc., and it’s okay to feel scared and it’s okay to not have any desire to go through it yourself! I applaud you for knowing where you stand. It sounds like your partner knows where he stands too though, and it doesn’t seem like you guys are “standing” in the same place.
For me, it would be a deal breaker. If he wants kids and you don’t, then one of you is always going to feel like your feelings are being disregarded. If you get what you want, he loses out on the chance to be a dad which he wants pretty badly. If he gets his way, you give up the sole rights to your body, and you commit to 18+ years of responsibility to a human that you weren’t comfortable having. Neither of those sounds like a great outcome, to me.
Honestly, this would be enough for me to end the relationship. Obviously ending it nicely, and on good terms, as neither of you is wrong. But it’s not something I could continue to build on, knowing we each had VERY different feelings regarding kids.
Post # 11
Sjna1991 : I also think this should be a deal breaker. One of you will end up unhappy and living in regret. He might just be believing that you’ll change your mind eventually, you have to be direct with him.
Post # 12
Sjna1991 : Deal breaker. I would never marry someone who doesn’t agree on this core issue, nor would I ever want a partner to sacrifice this if it was something they wanted. I don’t believe this is something that can be compromised on, eventually it will lead to divorce.
Post # 13
This isn’t the right relationship for you. Kids aren’t something that can be compromised- one of you would completely have to give up what they want.
I’d stop wasting your time and his and end the relationship so each of you can find someone who is more compatible.
Post # 14
DreaMT216 : lol…exactly! My genitalia is actually quite pretty after having kids actually. And as far as weight? Well, I have a 26/27 inch waist after kids. But yes, you definitely lose much of your freedom and at times sacrifice parts of our careers (depending on career and support).
However, if I did not want kids, it would be a dealbreaker to be with someone who wanted them. Wanting/not wanting kids is a BIG deal that most people won’t be able to get past.
Post # 15
This isn’t an issue for compromise, Bee. You just don’t want the same things in life. Time to move on so you may each find like-minded partners.