He has baby fever – I never want kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think if you can’t agree this could very possibly be a deal breaker. My husband and I agree we never want to have kids, discussing it early on in our 10 year relationship, if he had said he wanted kids and that was important to him we could not have stayed together. It’s a subject I would be unwilling to budge on and would not want to force him into a child free life he wouldn’t be happy with.

Post # 3
Member
6630 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Unfortunately this one is a deal breaker. It’s not something that goes away. You may love each other but it’ll tear you apart. Better to move on now, IMO.

Post # 4
Member
9961 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The only solution is to break up. It would be great if love conquered all but love won’t conquer this. Be kind to each other and find people who want what you want out of life.

I think if you were to stay together he would grow to resent you in the long run, or worse, always put pressure on you to have children. Its no way for either of you to live.

Post # 5
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Sjna1991 :  I’m sorry but I just laughed a little at some of the fears you listed and wanted to point out my experience…

Weight — I’m actually skinnier now than I was before I had kids.

Mutilated genitalia — Nope, lol.

Common lost sex drive —  Better sex after kids (this was a nice surprise to me!)

Lost of career — Nope, I’m still an engineer.

Freedom — True, not as much freedom.

Having a third person in between us that would supposedly be more important to us than we are to each other — Yes and I LOVE this third person sooooo much 🙂 but also we are just as important to eachother as we were before.

But if you truely don’t want kids and he does, it may be best to move on…

 

Post # 6
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Honestly it’s a basic incompatiblity that will probably break you up or cause you to divorce if you do get married. I would let him go. You are young and have time to find someone who doesn’t want kids too. When I was dating I found a lot of guys who didn’t want kids, seems like there are more of those than men who openly do. 

Post # 7
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

DreaMT216 :  +1!

I also want to add childbirth is NOT scary. It’s a beautiful thing. Maybe because I had a relatively “easy” delivery. However my pregnancy had nothing easy about it. It’s just something you cannot begin to judge until put in the situation.

Post # 8
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sjna1991 :  If you are completely against having children and he is wanting children, then, like other posters have said, it’s a deal breaker. This is definitely a subject that you both need to be on the same page with and you cannot stay with someone in hopes of changing them and their stance. I do, respectfully, disagree with some of your reasoning as to not want kids. I think DreaMT216 outlined some of those points well in her reply. I understand kids aren’t for everyone, but I feel they are truly a blessing and change your life in a positive way.

Post # 9
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

This is a deal breaker if you two can’t come to an agreement.

You owe it to him to be honest about your feelings.  My very oldest friend’s first husband said “yes, I want children.”  Then a year after they were married, they were in a financial place to start trying and he told that that he “never wanted children.”  They were divorced that year as she went into the marriage with the understanding that they would have kids.

Her second husband had two kids by his previous marriage and they’ve had two more.  

Post # 10
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Honestly I think your fears are valid. Just because someone else (or multiple someone elses, lol) have had wonderful experiences or says that their relationship didn’t change or that the pain was worth it for their little one, there are lots of folks out there who don’t have that, and who went through awful things and whose relationship changed for the worst etc., and it’s okay to feel scared and it’s okay to not have any desire to go through it yourself! I applaud you for knowing where you stand. It sounds like your partner knows where he stands too though, and it doesn’t seem like you guys are “standing” in the same place.

For me, it would be a deal breaker. If he wants kids and you don’t, then one of you is always going to feel like your feelings are being disregarded. If you get what you want, he loses out on the chance to be a dad which he wants pretty badly. If he gets his way, you give up the sole rights to your body, and you commit to 18+ years of responsibility to a human that you weren’t comfortable having. Neither of those sounds like a great outcome, to me.

Honestly, this would be enough for me to end the relationship. Obviously ending it nicely, and on good terms, as neither of you is wrong. But it’s not something I could continue to build on, knowing we each had VERY different feelings regarding kids.

Post # 11
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

Sjna1991 :  I also think this should be a deal breaker. One of you will end up unhappy and living in regret. He might just be believing that you’ll change your mind eventually, you have to be direct with him. 

Post # 12
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sjna1991 :  Deal breaker. I would never marry someone who doesn’t agree on this core issue, nor would I ever want a partner to sacrifice this if it was something they wanted. I don’t believe this is something that can be compromised on, eventually it will lead to divorce.

Post # 13
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

This isn’t the right relationship for you. Kids aren’t something that can be compromised- one of you would completely have to give up what they want.

I’d stop wasting your time and his and end the relationship so each of you can find someone who is more compatible.

Post # 14
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

DreaMT216 :  lol…exactly! My genitalia is actually quite pretty after having kids actually. And as far as weight? Well, I have a 26/27 inch waist after kids. But yes, you definitely lose much of your freedom and at times sacrifice parts of our careers (depending on career and support).

However, if I did not want kids, it would be a dealbreaker to be with someone who wanted them. Wanting/not wanting kids is a BIG deal that most people won’t be able to get past.

Post # 15
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This isn’t an issue for compromise, Bee. You just don’t want the same things in life. Time to move on so you may each find like-minded partners. 

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