Post # 31
Maybe you would benefit from getting a thorough understanding of what adoption is like.
Do some research, talk to some people.
You listed different types of fears (some about childbirth, some specifically about motherhood). It would probably help if you address each of those. Is the fear of having a third person between you and your husband BECAUSE you are picturing the scenario with a post-baby body? Or do you just not feel comfortable expanding your family?
If you can connect with any older (much older) couples who never had kids, I think you’d benefit from that as well. Do you look forward to ending up like them or does their life not appeal to you?
Sometimes I think fear of becoming a parent is either mixed in or confused with fear of becoming old. Unfortunately, as we get older our bodies change whether we bear children or not. So do our lifestyles/energy levels ect.
Like I said I totally get not wanting to have kids- But it would help you & your partner if you can get an idea of why you do want.
Post # 33
my husband wanted kids and I didn’t. He agreed
to be with me even without kids. However, over the years it’s caused so much resentment (even though this was HIS decision) that frankly it would have been better for us to just break up. I also have to live with the guilt that I prevented him from something he truly wanted. And yes, all this was after he said he’d rather have me than kids with someone else.
Post # 34
Unless one of you can change their mind, this is a dealbreaker. This is one of the bigger deal breakers actually. You can’t really compromise on having kids because there is no middle ground. It’s not like choosing between two variations of the same thing like where you should live or what kind of house you want. It’s about as black and white as it gets. Bring new life into the world and care for it forever, or don’t. One person giving over to the other in this situation is likely to harbour deep resentment toward the other.
You’re young, find someone who wants similar things to you in their life! Love is not enough. Alignment in core values and life goals is necessary.
Post # 35
So I’m confused here you “NEVER” want kids but you bring up adoption ? You will still have to parent either way. Please dig deep (speak with a therapist) and figure out if you can ever get over your fear of motherhood because that’s step one.
On the other hand, no one says you have to be a parent to live a fulfilling life & there are plenty of people that don’t want children out there.
Your partner seems sure he wants children so you should let him be with someone who wants the same things in life (while you figure your stuff out.) End it.
Post # 36
I’m a little surprised st how many Bees want the OP to change her mind. Going to therapy, exploring each of her reasons for not wanting kids, digging deep–all of that makes it sound as if the OP has a *problem* that requires fixing.
That is incredibly invalidating.
Those of you who are mommies–embrace it, love it but don’t evangelize it to someone who is abundantly clear she does not want children. I read her comment to mean that she would reluctantly consider adoption down the road, if she had to.
OP, I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you were seeking. We do have a forum for Bees who are Childfree by Choice.
I completely respect and understand your choice. I’ve lived it. I do have to agree with the others, however. Children are non negotiable.
Post # 37
^^all of this
OP, I’m sorry people are being lame and discrediting your fears and your choices. Just because pregnancy goes well for some people and some people are insanely happy being moms doesn’t mean it’s for everyone and doesn’t mean it’s for you. You’d think this wouldn’t need to be said in the “No Kids” forum
I agree with people who say this will only continue to be more of an issue if y’all aren’t on the right page. I don’t think you need to break up today this very second, but if you can’t come to a place of common ground about this, then it’s going to continue to stress out your relationship. I hope y’all figure it out
& fwiw I am also in the “nope, cannot will not ever carry a child but adoption isn’t 100% off the table if Fiance and I change our minds about wanting to be parents when we’re eccentric millionaries in some future scenario” and I know a fair number of 20somethings who agree – CFBC is -by choice- and yo, choices change. It’s good to be upfront with what’s a hard limit “nope, not my body ever” and what’s an unlikely possibility “maybe I’ll be a forty or fifty something and want a mini me legacy without my genetic problems and I’ll be sick of mentoring/traveling/working/sleeping regularly/w.e.”
Post # 38
“Better sex after kids (this was a nice surprise to me!)” What?! 🙂 I’ve never heard this. Without going into too much detail, what’s better? The emotional aspect of it?
Post # 39
It’s physically better, somehow! 🙂
Maybe it has something to do with the ton of kegels I do for months after giving birth lol.
Post # 40
- Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE
I’m so sorry some of the bees are using your heartfelt post to have a laugh at us CFBC folks. I identify with ALL of the fears you listed and I am personal deathly afraid of childbirth and early childhood years as well. None of it sounds appealing to me or like something I would EVER want to do. My Fiance and I are on the same page and have agreed that if we ever want kids we’re going to adopt an older child, at least 2-3 years old to skip all the baby stuff.
You are not on the same page with your partner, and on a dealbreaker subject. Instead of listening to your fears and working to find a compromise (adopting, surrogacy, etc.) he is taking your fears as a personal affront to himself and being rather cruel about it. It’s time to move on.
Post # 41
First of all I want to thank for all the many answers and different opinions! I didn’t expect so many to respond and I am sorry I did not answer again ( I once did but when I sent it somehow deleted it and since it was late didn’t wanna repeat). However I read it all actually and there were some interesting points. I realize I did not post in the childfree section on purpose (where more people would actually share my view) because I am interested to learn more about people who see it from the “baby fever side” and might challenge my perception. Despites the many suggestions of now “cut the loss” I came to terms to go “for the risk”. As actually I think it is not on me to chose for my partner wether he really would be happier without me in the longrun while he claims to chose life with me regardless of the outcome of this debate. And from my perspecitve there is the big pro marriage reason since, if it wasn’t for him, I did seriously consider staying on my own all together. So even if it would not be god forbit a happily ever after – I would not miss out the chance of well… Being single. I could still do that from any point in my life if things didn’t work out. So considering this it all makes sense.
I did actually even end up with some reasons why I might change my mind eventually. After achieving personal goals that are only possible while being childless – and this might not be a classic reason for someone who just LOVES BABIES – it indeed is a trent for women with higher education & rather higher intelect to remain childfree. And simply put there is too many A**** in this world to be honest. This would be one option to attempt to create one more kind person. Plus I am really ambitious when it comes to own body / skill goals and well this is like the ultimate challenge a women could succeed at both physically and mentally. And last pro kid thing that came up my mind is even though there is no guarantee for that – chances are there might be a person visitting when we are old and maybe end in an old people home.. Of course I would never force myself to a baby I don’t really wish. But the 90% being sure I don’t want them ever might have switched to the view of shy 10-20 % + maybe becoming more openminded towards it as an option later on.
However thanks a lot for all the answers again! I just though I drop a feedback ^^
Post # 42
Just a reminder this is posted under No Kids so I don’t think your comment is much help to OP, lol.
Post # 43
I know people say this all the time, but you’re young enough and have time to decide. I’ve waffled and been a fence-sitter most of my life. If he can accept a future that may not include kids, no reason you can’t make it work. I would express to him your fears and concerns about parenthood and maybe he’ll end up not wanting them, either–I used to dissuade my bf by telling him how expensive a kid is and how little freedom we’d have. Now I’m at the point where I think I’d like to try, it’s very hard to know for sure.
Your 30s will probably be the time where you have to start making decisions.
Post # 44
What are his reasons for wanting kids? Just that it’s normal for his culture? I would tell him that you will never want kids and to not except you to change your mind and if he isn’t okay with that then the relationship is over. If you have an unplanned pregnancy, what would you do? He needs to know that information as well so he doesn’t hope that that’s something that could change your mind.