(Closed) He has cold feet…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We’ve been together 10 years, engaged after 7 and planned to marry last year. He had a massive panic – we cancelled the wedding and moved into separate places (his stress was linked with his massive commute as well as our relationship). We rebuilt things. Then we briefly split up. And now we’re getting married this August.

I’m sharing this so that you know it can happen. It won’t be an easy ride and we lost a few friends over it. (My family had a very tough time as they seemed to take our cancelled wedding personally…) But some people (especially men) have to take their time and go about things in their own way.

Finally (18 months after cancelling our wedding, 12 months after moving out) our relationship is stronger and we really are a team.

Good luck x

Post # 4
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I suggest counseling for you at the very least, preferring couples counseling. I’m concerned that he put himself in a position to even know how “well on he gets with another woman. Where were the boundaries? I also find it odd that he tells you she says its his decision. That tells me they have had an intimate enough of a conversation to discuss ending his relationship with you. 

We can speculate all day long about what he’s thinking or why but the truth is, you need to take care of yourself. I would make a plan, with a time line, keeping it to yourself. Be there for him as much as you can but also prepare. 

No where in what you shared does it say he wants to be with you. It sounded like to me he was giving you a heads up so when it happens you wouldn’t be surprised. Also to slough off some of the guilt he’s feeling. 

How did I know? It was done to me. This way exactly, nearly 10 years ago. 

I see your date as 2016. Are you officially engaged now? For how long? 3 years seems like a long time to work on cold feet. Are you willing to do this kind of work for 3 years? 

 

please keep coming back here and sharing. I’m really sorry you are going trough this. I feel the sting. I do feel any relationship can turn if they BOTH are willing. I do believe that. Absolutely. 

 

HUGS

Post # 5
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Oh yikes, I’m so sorry. I’ve been in my relationship for over 10 years so I can understand the allure of something new and exciting – but like you, it’s never been a question because I know this is the one. I think Its very likely that he’s just attracted to the potential excitement of a new and/or illicit relationship, rather than truly deep down wanting to end things. But no one except your guy can decide that. 

I agree, would he consider couples counseling?

Otherwise, I think you just need to pause the wedding planning for now, give him some space while gently pointing out how he probably is just enjoying the excitement of a new attraction, and let him figure it out :/ So sorry love!

Post # 7
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would punch him in the face. J/k I am sorry that you are going through this. 

To me it sounds like he kind of wants you to accept the situation and let him loose to have one last fling and if it’s not what he thought he can just come back to you. I would explain that that will not be the case and that he decided to act on his feeling for this other women then you won’t be there if he changes him mind again. I don’t think you should praise him for being honest. I am sure he is scared and I am sure it has to do with his sisters failed marriage, but there are other ways to deal with it than moving on. 

The other thought is, maybe he really doesn’t have the same feelings for you anymore. The fact that he actually came out and told you and is worried about how he will split from you after the wedding is a red flag. I know not everyone thinks and acts the same but maybe you should talk to your friends and family and let them know. I think if you have some one to lean on it might help you through this. 

Post # 8
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, Sweetie, I am sorry that you’re having to go through this.  However, I will tell you that you are in a much better position than SO many other bees who post here with similar issues.

That is because your Fiance has ALREADY “manned up.”  He has done the right and honorable thing by being completely honest with you as soon as he realized that his feelings have changed and that he is attracted to someone else who is attracted to him.

It’s unfortunate that this had to happen after the two of you had become engaged and set a wedding date.  However, it’s a VERY GOOD thing that you both have discovered this now and not after the wedding.

Because it happened now, both you and your Fiance are able to walk away from this relationship without anyone breaking up a marriage to do so.  Although engagement involves a promise leading to marriage, it is also the last opportunity someone has to decide that he or she is making a mistake, prior to marriage.

I’m sure that ending this relationship is going to be very difficult for your Fiance and even more difficult and painful for you. However, I would strongly, strongly advise against your trying to convince him to stay either overtly or covertly.

I would cancel the wedding plans, tell him that you truly love him, and that truly loving him means that you need to be willing to let him go.

If, somehow, in the future, you both should decide that you’re really right for each other, then, perhaps you could reunite at that time.  However, given the honesty with which he has approached you, the integrity that he has had in not allowing anything to happen with this other woman while the two of you are still engaged, and the fact that he could experience this much interest in someone else after having been with you for so long already suggests that this wedding is just not meant to happen.

I’m so sorry for the grief you are going to endure.  However, you still have a wonderful life ahead of you.  It just doesn’t look as if it is going to unfold in the manner which you had been anticipating.

HUGS!

Post # 9
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

What you are describing is more than just cold feet- he has feelings for another woman. To me that is cheating and the situation woud infuriate me. It’s like he’s trying to let you down easy or he wanted to see what else is out there before he gets married. I don’t know what the right thing to do would be, I only know what I would do. If he is so unsure that he is in a relationship that is close enough to develop feelings for someone else I would walk. Life is too short and that’s not way to start off a marriage. 

Post # 10
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I really do hope this works out; especially after 6 years have been invested in the relationship. Unfortunately I went through a very similar situation and it did not end well at all. Yes, I would recommend counseling. I predict (and I do hope I am wrong) he won’t go for it. I suggest preparing for the worse but hope for the best.

Post # 11
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do keep in mind that being attracted to a member of the opposite sex is not wrong; it’s acting on those feelings that is wrong. It’s far better that he’s acknowledged those feelings, both to you and to the co-worker, than if he’d tried to ignore them or hide them. It’s definitely not fun to hear that your SO has feelings for another, but I think if you’d acknowledge that it’s perfectly natural and human, and praise him for his level-headed thinking and honesty, you might be surprised to find that it brings you closer, and helps cure the cold feet.

 

Post # 12
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Loopy123:  I am the queen of counseling. Lol. Ask me anything. 

Im sooooo sorry. This is so sucky & hurtful. You deserve to have a man can’t wait to marry you. 

Post # 13
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I love counseling… I’m a social worker, and i too attend counseling. It takes a few sessions to get comfortable but when you do, you’ll end up leaving everytime feeling less stress, and more positive. Give it a try.

Post # 14
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with some of the PP it doesn’t sound like cold feet at all, it sounds like he is attracted to this coworker and is now questioning his relationship with you. You should definitely let him figure out his feelings before you get married.

Post # 15
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

Big hugs. 🙁 🙁 . I’m soooo sorry to have this happening to you. On the bright side, he’s been honest and he’s obviously feeling conflicted. He needs you to draw boundaries very very clearly for him and say – “Look I love you, deeply. And I’m so glad you’re being honest with me here. Being attracted to someone is normal. However, I have a line that I’m not willing to cross – and it is when you know that you’re attracted to someone and you still talk, text, hang out, etc. <or whatever your boundary is>” He needs to know that he could and can lose you – otherwise guys just lose respect and continue to push the boundaries. Do this for yourself most of all.

Post # 16
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Loopy123:  How are you? I hope your man came to his senses. Just seems crazy to throw away 6 years over a flirtation. Connections don’t happen unless you leave yourself open for one. Sure I bet I could fall for many other men if I wasn’t honoring and showing repect for my relationship, anyone could. Its so painful when things like this happen, just understand that you are still lucky to learn that he may have these tendancies now. My mom found out about her husbands shady habits after she had two kids with him. She found letters detailing sexual acts and his mistress called her personally. Men can be such scum. 

 

 

I think it just shows what a good hearted woman you are that you are trying to be supportive and understanding to a person who is putting one of the most important experiences of your life in jepardy over some office coworker. I really pray that he didn’t go further with doing this to you, and I hope you are okay. 

 

 

You don’t deserve that, no one does. My heart goes out to you. 

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