(Closed) He has no motivation (rant)..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
46323 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Many women still seem to think that the men they love will change. He is the man he is and the man he will always be.

He is obviously not motivated in the way that you would like him to be.

You  have the choice to accept him the way he is, or leave the relationship.

 

Post # 4
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@julies1949:  Agree!

He will never be that man you want him to be, he will only be who he is. That is either enough, or not. If it’s not, there is nothing wrong with moving on. Good Luck!

Post # 5
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Motivation and ambition are something really hard for a guy to just pick up one day in his mid-twenties. Not saying it’s not possible, but it is rare. A friend of mine just went through this, her Fiance just wasn’t motivated. He came from a well-off family but he didn’t go to school and didnt show interest in finding a stable job. She worked full time and was burnt out. They just broke up. 

You need to know you have a partner with the same goals as you, someone that looks at you stressed out and sees the beauty in your struggle. That appreciates all your hard work and that really wants to keep up with you in hopes of making it easier for you. 

I can’t say leave him or break up, cause every relationship is different. But I will say BEWARE! If he is like this now, when you guys are young…who knows how it will be later when even more responsibility comes your way.

Good luck and think of yourself <3

Post # 6
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with PP’s… just be careful! Actions speak louder than words, and right now… he is not being very proactive with making important life decisions. Going to school is great, but going and not applying yourself is just wasting more time + money.

 

You said that you feel burnt out. I was in a very serious relationship once that sounds very similiar to yours… and I became emotionally exhausted. I am telling you– it dosn’t get easier and you do not get used to it… it only builds resentment and makes for a very toxic environment.

 

Good luck! Red flags pop up for a reason… I do not know your relationship, but I think  you’ve got some serious considering to doo

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a mother. Not looking for work, not keeping on top of his own school work, pissing money away on coffee and food instead of keeping up with the goal of saving for a ring? That’s a guy who is doing the bare minimum to get by and expecting it to magically work out. It won’t get better once you’re married. It will get sooooo much worse and it’s even harder to cut ties.

Post # 8
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

sorry but it’s going to get worse not better leave him

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

There’s so many of these posts that all have “…but, I love him.” Sometimes, love isn’t enough. You’re staying because it’s comfortable. 

Post # 10
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Think about it from his perspective, why would he put in effort when you’re there to clean up his messes? He’s not going to change, he’s shown you that over the past 2 years.

 

Post # 11
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

sit him down, tell him you will no longer be fixing things for him, you won’t share your notes, etc. and stick to  it. if he understands he can no longer get you to do everything for him he should pick up his act. and talk to him about the engagement ring thing too

Post # 12
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

If you do decide to leave him, don’t think of it as a waste of time and years, because it isn’t. During your relationship, you are learning all kinds of things about the person you’ve been with, and in three years, you know you don’t like unmotivated people. But think about all of the good things you learned too. 

 

When you sit back and evaluate this relationship, you can think of all the good and not-for-you qualities that this guy has, and you can choose to seek out a partner better suited for you based on EXPERIENCE. You now know what’s going to work for you, and what’s not.

Post # 13
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@garden_bride:  

Totally agree with this statement! My Sister Married a guy who sounds similar. I obviously don’t know your guy, but in her situation he’s constantly going from job to job….that is when he has one. Her guy only worked for 2 of the 4 years they were together. She was supporting them both almost the entire time. He had a ”steady” job when he asked my parents for her hand, and less than a month later during their wedding no less, we found out that he once agian was unemployed. Things haven’t been much different since.

 

I’m not saying people can’t change, but it may not be likely at this stage of the game. Sorry to be writing such a negative message here, but this is just an honest opinion and I’m only going on the results of what I’ve seen my Sister dealing with.

 

Take care 🙂

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

some people are takers and others are givers and unless you are prepared to be the person who always has to step up then i suggest you ask yourself how many years you are prepared to give to this person before you have had enough

he may surprise you and steup up but it seems while he has easier options hes prepared to let others take the lead and look after him

Post # 15
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

Run.  Drive.  Leave skid marks.  This sounds waaaaay too close to what I had to deal with for a year.  His name was Andrew.  He was in his mid twenties and took 6 years to finish college and he was unemployed for 6 months while I went to school full time and worked two jobs part time.  I told him he needed to make looking for work his new full time job and…he didn’t.  He applied to maybe two places a month.  He finally got a job after I filled out the application for him and put it in his hand.  One day I woke up and noticed there was something annoying stuck to my shirt.

It was Andrew.

I often hear that there are no good men left and men in their twenties aren’t motivated and for a long time I believed it.  My SO showed me that there are still good, strong, motivated men, and that’s what you deserve.  You want someone with a good, upwardly mobile job (read: this does not mean millionare) who is  always working towards a promotion or a better job or going back to school if a better job isn’t possible without more education.  And someone who actually tries at school.  But you won’t find him if you’re with your current SO.

Oh and whoever said your SO won’t change?  It’s been 4 years since Andrew and I broke up and I recently heard that he was working part time at a used car dealership, annoying everyone by constantly coming in late, and “aspiring” to be a film maker (without a film…or a script….or a good idea).  

Post # 16
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

He finally got a job after I filled out the application for him and put it in his hand.  

you sure his name wasnt Justin???  because i distinctly remember writing Justin on his application form

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