Post # 1
I always invisioned receiving a surprise proposal where my SO bought the ring himself and proposed leaving me in shock and tears. :p yes im a romantic.
Well, my SO and I had originally decided to be romantic have him suprise me… but one thing led to another and we started discussing the rings that i like. That led to more serious marriage discussions such as locations and ceremonies. And now we have discussed ring styles so much and he just told me he went to a store already.
Anyway, im bummed and im also really confused. I think couples SHOULD discuss important matters regarding the future BUT i really dont get the point of a proposal if you know he is buying a ring, has bought the ring, or you helped him pick the ring. You know its happening anyway, so whats the point?
Its like, i dont even want a proposal anymore cause its ruined the romance and fun and purpose of the proposal. im just feeling bitter that the proposal has been ruined now that we discussed ‘the ring’ and wedding details. I know when we are getting married and that he will propose this month. Its just ruined now.
Can anyone share their stories- particularely those that didnt go for the suprise approach and helped pick the ring, etc? I really feel like the proposal is pointless now !
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 2014 - Maui
It seems like knowing about the proposal beforehand is the norm nowadays, at least on these boards. I knew when my husband was going to propose, and he didn’t even have a ring, but I was still so happy when it happened. Just be happy you are marrying the man of your dreams.
Post # 3
DeBeers heavily marketed the surprise proposal after it found that men spent more when they purchased the ring alone (or so I’ve read in marketing history books). Apparently surprise proposals were these grand romantic gestures that happened but not as frequently. Like koiocha:
said it’s now fairly common to see this again. My husband and I talked about the proposal, the ring and our wedding before he proposed. It didn’t mean anything less, it wasn’t not special because we talked about it first and it didn’t ruin the romance. If anything it was ultra special because I knew we had made the decision together.
Post # 4
We did this! We talked about getting married then looked at rings. I ended up pickI got one out online and he ordered it. We didn’t have a surprise proposal, and it seemed silly to wait the 1-2 months for the ring to arrive (plus he is NOT a public proposal person) to be engaged. I think all couples are different, but what we did worked for us.
Hanging out in our apartment, I tugged him over to me and went, hey you want to marry me? Yeah! And then he asked me, you want to marry me! yes! It was very sweet, and we went out to dinner to celebrate.
I think it’s only “ruined” if you focus on the surprise aspect. Someone you love is asking (or being asked ha!) to share the rest of their life with you, I think that’s pretty special!
Post # 5
Why don’t you tell him how you feel and not to do it this month. To wait until he feels it’s a good time? I know you can’t undo knowing, but maybe this way it will be more of a surprise, less expected? I know it’s common nowadays, but I TOTALLY feel you. I would feel like it was ruined too. I don’t want to know when my SO gets the ring or when he plans to propose. I sent him my pinterest with rings that I like to steer him in a direction as far as my style whenever he’s ready, but I do not want to know whenever he actually makes the decision to look at it, get a ring, or propose.
Post # 6
I knew before hand. I thought it added to the excitement! I was super excited that he wanted to marry me… I didn’t need a big surprise proposal. We bought an antique ring online, which made me relieved because it was very reasonably priced. (He’s a student) and I’m glad I love my ring. (I’m kind of particular.) He even told me he was going to propose during my holidays… So I spent them on cloud nine waiting for it to actually happen. When it did, it was lovely – in the rain, at a duck pond in the city, just us. It was very special and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Post # 7
I would have to agree with u. I had no idea my Fiance was going to propose. We habe been together for 11 years. he always said he didn’t want to get married. We have been living together for 7years. So it was such a big surprise that he proposed. I loved it.
Post # 8
We discussed getting engaged, when we wanted to get married, etc. We went ring shopping together and I also went separately by myself to decide on a ring. I gave him my top two options and he picked from there. I knew approximately when we were getting engaged (since we were long distance it’s harder to organize). But he proposed before I expected him to and it was a romantic and beautiful proposal. I seriously had no idea that he was going to propose until he pulled out the ring.
ETA: Even though we had discussed and planned all this, I had no idea he had picked up the ring, or that he had talked to my parents. So, even though picking out the ring and discussing engagement wasn’t a surprise, there were still romantic surprises involved. /edit
I just wanted to add something about picking out my ring. First of all, my husband is not a great shopper. He’s impatient and doesn’t comparison shop at all. He would have gotten me a solitaire, but I had my heart set on a sapphire halo ring. So, to spare any hurt feelings we discussed it and I helped him shop so he didn’t get ripped off. Secondly, my mom insisted on picking out her engagement ring back. She worked at a jewellery shop and had strong opinions about what she liked and didn’t like. In her opinion, she is the one wearing it, so she would like to have a say in what it looks like.
I think how you and your partner plan your engagement and your wedding teaches you more about your relationship – how you make big decisions, how you manage expectations, etc.
Post # 9
We picked it out the ring and visited stores, but the surprise was months later and amazing. Since the ring was customized, I never saw more than a picture and a wax mold beforehand, and he did not tell or show me when he picked up the final product. This isn’t black and white. Do what you like!
Post # 10
Thank you all for the responses!
I guess it messed with my brain to have discussed both of us wanting things to be a surprise to planning even our wedding ceremony all within 2 weeks! I have to adjust now to things being different than we planned.
Im sure itll be just as special….it just takes away from being truly surprised when you know the rest of everything has already fallen into place.
That being said, it is a great thing that we discuss big details together and that we’ve both been on the same page about moving forward
Post # 11
I picked out the ring and knew exactly when it was coming, and I still cried and had butterflies. It didn’t ruin anything at all!
Post # 12
For us, we went shopping a year in advance (I don’t think he planned it that way, we just popped in a local jeweler one day) I fell in love with a setting that I KNEW was it and he noted it. MONTHS passed and I knew he wasn’t even considering it. I ended up on the Waiting boards on the Bee and found moissanite so I did some research. Upon bringing it up to him (and maybe the timing was just right for him?!) he told me to get whatever size carat I wanted and he would take care of it from there. Which he did. We got my stone in and I gave it to his Mom for safe keeping. So after that, I really didn’t know when I’d see it again. So for me, it really still was kind of a suprise…but it put my waiting “resentment” at bay…because I was totally starting to get concerned at 2.5 years in, (spring chicken I am not!) It was only maybe a few months after that that he’d proposed, which ended up being on our 3rd year anniversary…which I didn’t realize until after he proposed. I had thought our 3rd year would have fallen 10 days later. So it’s not just men that forget dates!!!
Tl;dr: I think you can still have good input on what you want ring wise and still have it be a suprise!
Post # 13
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
We started wedding planning (putting down deposits and making purchases) before he proposed. We were technically already engaged (i proposed years earlier). He still wanted to get me a ring and we spent months going over what i wanted. He got down on one knee when we went to visit Disneyland. I was still surprised at his timing, the fact that he told my whole family that morning before it happened, and at the ring he picked. Whether or not he ever got down on one knee, we were still going to get married. The fact that he wanted to make sure i had that moment and he did it at my
Post # 14
i picked the ring and we picked the diamond together so I knew he had bought it. Didn’t know exactly when it would come in but I had an idea.
he still managed to completely surprise me and it was wonderful!
Post # 15
Girl it’s all about outlook. Proposals aren’t because you don’t know if you want to marry eachother, they’re because they’re a fun and exciting tradition.
Prior to the proposal, DH and I had discussed a theoretical future “event” more and more, I had mentioned that I’d like a proposal to include a bent knee and a ring in a velvet box, and we had decided that the ring would be whimsical and inexpensive so I could be surprised but later pick out something I would totally love aesthetically as well as symbolically.
I accidentally found out exactly what day he was planning on asking a week in advance, and we decided to proceed as planned, I was too excited! So it wasn’t a surprise that he proposed, or when he proposed, or that first he got down on one knee and pulled out a velvet ring box. But everything else was a surprise, and we celebrated all day, and called our closest family and friends, which, even if they knew and even if we had an idea on how they’d react, was still so exciting!
Congratulations on this exciting time you’re going through, I hope you can let go of it feeling like “just” a formality 🙂