(Closed) He is asking me to not divorce him

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t get why he would only think about counseling. Why does he think he does these things? If he’s also blaming his childhood, then it makes no sense why he’d refuse to go talk to someone about it. Obviously he hasn’t worked through these issues himself if he’s acting this way.

Post # 5
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

Just from what you posted here I think it’s too late, but if you think it’s worth it to stick it out through counseling and see what happens, then by all means, that’s the answer.

Post # 6
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t see how it can work if he doesn’t get counseling.

Some men “change” just enough to get you back.  Then they go back to their old ways.

What is your gut telling you to do?     

Post # 7
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

He has to THINK about counseling? I’m sorry, but if the continuation of my marriage was based on me agreeing to counseling, I wouldn’t have to think about it. It would be “yes, hell yes, let’s jump on the internet right now and start looking for a counselor so that we can call tomorrow morning and get an appointment.”

Give him a day to think about it and see what sort of follow-through he shows if he agrees to go. If he refuses to go or drag his feet, then there is your answer. But if he chooses to go and takes reasonable steps to get started, then you may have a fighting chance.

FWIW, I am so sorry you are going through this. having a child with special needs is tough. having a husband who acts like a child on top of that is just unbearable. My heart goes out to you. 

Post # 8
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I just can’t imagine a father saying he’d sign his son away. I also can’t imagine my husband calling me so many different, hurtful names. If it were me, I’d demand he go to individual counseling, couples counseling AND family counseling. I can guarantee this is affecting all of your children. Without all of those things, and progress made, I’d proceed with the divorce. 

Post # 9
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

There’s no excuse to keep carrying the crucibles of his past. He is a grown man. He needs to either fix his problems with counseling or get over them on his own. He can’t just keep living his life as though his past is an excuse for his shortcomings in the present. That’s a cop-out, and a sure way to make sure that he never becomes the man he wants to or needs to be.

I can’t believe he would blame his desire to abandon his son on the fact that he was abandoned. As someone who was abandoned by her father (SO is the same way) living through that should make you the least likely person in the world to want to inflict that on another human being. He needs to either get counseling, or you need to give him the boot.

Post # 10
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

From what you have posted I would not stay. The way he is being is not fair to you, your son or your 2 daughters. The moment he said he would sign away should have been the moment you walked away and stayed away IMO. I know there is no way I could ever love, trust or respect a man who said that, that is not the kind of thing you can say out of anger and then take back. How he was raised is no excuse for his behavior as an adult, please do not let him excuse his poor behavior away. You deserve better. 

Post # 12
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think there’s hope.  Every marriage has it’s struggles, but that doesn’t mean you can’t correct the issues and come out stronger at the end.  I think marriage is much harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I also think it’s worth it to stick it out and really work on your issues.  I don’t know for sure that you and your husband will overcome this, but since it seems like that’s what you want, I really hope that is what happens.  Feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk more; I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Post # 13
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If he agrees to counseling then I’d say it might be helpful to also go in for couples counseling in addition to individual counseling. The individual one will help him work on himself, the couples one will help you two work on understanding ways to have better interactions with each other.  I’d set a timelimit on how long he has to decide about counseling. Don’t give him long or he’ll just say “oh but we’ve been doing so much better” and then you’ll just be back here in a few months.

I think it sounds like you think he is essentially a good person, but has issues on how to handle stress and relationships. If that is the case, then I’d give counseling a chance if he seems committed to change. But you need to be part of the counseling too, because you need someone to help you sort out what YOUR needs are here.

Post # 14
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t really think divorce is the answer, unless there’s physical or emotional abuse. Was he this way before you married him? If you’ve been together for 5 years, I’m sure he was. Why would you agree to get married if there was something that would later be “divorce-worthy”? Counseling is probably the best answer, plus some spiritual relationship counseling (priest, minister, monk, whatever). There is a huge stigma in this country about “getting help” and that’s probably why your SO doesn’t immediately jump on the counseling wagon. Maybe telling him that counseling is confidential with a totally impartial and unknown professional person will make him feel better about it? 

Post # 15
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with PPs.  Too little, too late! Counseling cannot always fix or improve being a giant a-hole. It would take months/ years potentially to see some results… Is that something you’re willing to put your children and yourself through? You seem like a loving mother and wife, but everyone has their breaking point where the toxicity of it all is no environment to subject your kids to!

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