He is distant just when things became more serious – anything I can do?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I wouldn’t panic yet. Maybe he has just been busy the past few days and didn’t realize he never responded to your last messages. Or maybe he is pulling away a bit because he feels like you’re going too fast and he wants to slow things down a bit. Even that doesn’t mean he wants to end the relationship entirely, though. I would just try not to jump to conclusions yet.

Just text him and see how he responds. Something like, “Hey! How has your week been so far?” I wouldn’t necessarily ask him why he hasn’t responded to you, since it could be totally innocent and he didn’t realize how long it has been since he has texted you.

If he doesn’t respond to your follow up text, I’d probably take that as a sign that he’s trying to pull away. If he is, there’s really nothing you can do. He either wants to move forward in your relationship or he doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to him about it. Just ask him where his head’s at, if he thinks you’re moving too fast, etc.

Post # 3
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

 

rachel351 :  I think I remember your previous post about the intimacy issues/therapy stuff… but I can’t recall, how many dates have you guys gone on? Do you normally chat/text every day or every other day?

It sounds like you guys are still in the casual stage of dating, no commitments so if I were you I’d date around and see other people as well. This guy might not be emotionally (or physicall) available, or possibly just not that into you so I wouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket here.

Post # 5
Member
10025 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

rachel351 :  Why can’t you just shoot him a quick text and ask if everything is ok?  

Post # 6
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

rachel351 : Have you talked to him about being exclusive? If not, definitely do that ASAP if that’s how you’re feeling. 

I would just shoot him a text, ask if he wants to get together. You guys have hung out quite a bit, you shouldn’t feel insecure being the one to reach out first if you haven’t heard from him. Have a conversation with him in person, and see if you’re on the same page.

Good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
10025 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

rachel351 :  Excuse me?  I’ve ignored your previous messages?  Didn’t mean to, sorry, I must have missed something.  Feel free to message away and I’ll do my best to respond.  

You seem anxious.  Maybe he is feeling the same way, wondering why you haven’t contacted him?  Is that possible?

ETA:  I would not jump to the conclusion that he isn’t interested in you just yet.  You have stated that he has issues from his past that involve sexual abuse, which is very sad and most likely difficult for him to handle.  Have compassion for him and be ok with letting him take things slowly if he needs to.  You’ve been doing great with that so far.  Reaching out to him to check on him doesn’t mean that you are taking the lead or are more into the relationship than he is.  This is probably really hard for him and new to him.  Explain how you feel and that you also need reassurance from him, just as much as he needs it from you.

Post # 9
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ok – you’ve not known him that long but you’ve already created several threads about this relationship. iMHO a relationship takes work, but it shouldn’t feel like work. All this anxiety over texting him, being intimate, does he like me, will he move etc must be so exhausting for you. Is it worth it? rachel351 :  

Post # 11
Member
10025 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

rachel351 :  Whew, awesome, I was sweating bullets, lol.  I’m glad I misunderstood you!  I added to my comment above just now, the “ETA.”  🙂

Post # 12
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sunfire :  nevermind.

 

OP, I can’t say guys never start pulling away after a certain sexual intimacy level has been reached, but given that he hung out with you all day Saturday and then reached out again to you on Sunday- it would be odd that he just dropped off the face of the earth.

 

I get it though, I always felt more vulnerable after certain first times.

 

Is it possible he feels embarrassed about how much he opened up to you? While there should be no shame in being a sexual assault survivor, it’s a deeply personal thing to share with someone.

Post # 13
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

rachel351 :  Did you message him three separate times, or did you message him three things at once?

 

I don’t like making a bunch of excuses for guys who don’t return texts and calls, but it’s possible his phone malfunctioned. If my mom her her phone off or is in a no service area, and I text her, she usually gets it once she’s back in service, but every once in awhile, the text is hung up for hours or even days.

Post # 14
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

If the guy you are seeing takes more than a day to reply to a text or call it’s not a good sign. Sounds like he already has a ton of baggage and has been sending mixed signals. Also sounds like he might have already thrown some excuses your way as to why he might not be ready for a relationship. 

All you can do is pull back, don’t text him again. Let him come to you. If you got sexual with him and you don’t hear from him by day 4 you should move on.

In my experience after 10 dates I’f he was Into you he would be contacting you daily on his own. I don’t think this is meant to be. 

rachel351 :  

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