rachel351 : I implore you to read Sassy’s comment, #138, over and over. What is drawing you to this man?
Bee, I was in a relationship just like this in college. I was you. I jumped every time the phone rang and rearranged my social calendar to meet up at his beck and call. I felt so bad for him because he was suffering from depression and felt like it was my “job” to help him. After all, that’s what friends are for, right?
But the longer I stayed with him, in this on-again off-again “relationship”, the more I was hurting. I was convinced that one day he would just snap out of whatever he was going through and see that I had stood by him the entire time. I was waiting for the end of the rom com where he would run to my house in the rain, with a bouquet of flowers, declare his undying love for me and we’d live happily ever after.
That’s not what happens with these kind of guys. I don’t doubt he may have gone through something very traumatic and backed away once he opened up to you. Heck, I’ve done that myself. But his actions, and words, have shown that he is either is not capable or unwilling to have a relationship with you.
But I get it – you keep trying, thinking one day you’re going to break that wall and get through to him – and be rewarded. I read all 12 pages of this and saw myself in every single one of your updates.
It took me a long time for me to see why I keep seeking out the attention of a guy that wasn’t emotionally available. I kept over analyzing every thing he said, every move he made. I kept wanting to know why things were the way they were. I think it’s human nature to want to know why something is, so I’m not blaming you for that, but sometimes things just are…because. We can all sit here and play amateur psychologist all day. None of us will ever really know what’s in his head.
Which finally brings me to my point of why I stayed with that guy so long. I realized that I wanted to be wanted. It really made me feel good when he wanted my support. It made me feel like I had a purpose. My self esteem was so low that I was looking for that love and validation from others, so I jumped and gobbled up every single bread crumb he threw my way.
So I think in simplest terms, what it boils down to is having a low self esteem and thinking you can’t get any better or don’t deserve any better. You may be subconsciously thinking well I’m not perfect either, so I’ll accept him and all his problems. You went through a similar experience so you’re not going to judge, and such an experience means you have a “connection”.
I too thought that staying friends with him was the answer, but I didn’t realize that doing that kept me from fully moving on. Again, I wanted the rom com.
It wasn’t until I realized that this guy wasn’t going to give me any happiness – and more importantly I couldn’t help him – that I was able to fully let go. We slowly lost touch over the course of a few months until we just stopped talking altogether. And even after we lost contact, I still thought of him until one day I had to tell myself I was done, and once I had that a-ha moment, I really had felt like a weight had been lifted. And guess what – I discovered there were guys out there that weren’t projects and that didn’t need saving from me. I realized that *I* didn’t need to be needed, if that makes sense. It was nice to not have another person’s problems bring me down.
Congrats on the art work being published. I hope you’re able to find happiness from within and realize that the world does not need saving, and that your worth does not come from someone “needing” you.