He is distant just when things became more serious – anything I can do?

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 166
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

Daisy_Mae :  

“Encouraging someone to continue doing something unhealthy because it benefits you (such as, by helping you feel like your own similar behavior is fine) is the definition of enabling.”

This is quite a lot of assumption about me.

I simply see the OP’s situation differently from a lot of the posters here, and I don’t think that gives you the right to tell me I’m enabling her or to imply that I have some dodgy behaviour of my own going on.

I am allowed to offer a different perspective without all this judgmental nonsense.

Post # 167
Member
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Daisy_Mae :  

You are right. Playing therapist to someone in genuine trouble is not ok. 

Even licensed therapists are prohibited from treating people they have personal relationships with. Primarily because the boundaries are so much more fluid and open with friends, family, and lovers. There is no possibility of clinical distance. And, a personal agenda is inevitable with people in whom you have invested.

This can be so destructive to all parties. The most vulnerable will typically lap up what the friend/ family member/partner is saying, whole cloth. The advice may be horrendous.

The other problem is that the pseudo therapist rarely has any idea what’s going on and lacks the years of training and skills necessary to put things together. Many, many women and men have been thoroughly bamboozeled with horrific, gut wrenching tales of abuse; not a word of which was true. 

The well meaning, but misled one may also be working at cross purposes to the therapist. Clients often go through phases of resistance, even anger, during therapy; perfectly normal. It’s very easy to get sucked into joining along in therapist bashing, undermining the therapist, and destroying the work that has been done.

Doing lots of active listening is a way to help without risking causing damage.

Post # 168
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think Daisy Mae assumed anything. You mentioned several pages back that you feel strongly about OP’s situation because of something you experienced that was similar and have demonstrated throughout your responses that you are obviously biased and weirdly overinvested in this thread based on your own experience.

You have an uncanny similarity with OP in that your responses are extremely over-analytical to the point of obsession with this topic. You are literally perpetuating the same unhealthy behaviors as OP and you’re just mad because people are calling you out on it. indigobee :  

Post # 169
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

rachel351 :  I implore you to read Sassy’s comment, #138, over and over.  What is drawing you to this man?

Bee, I was in a relationship just like this in college.  I was you. I jumped every time the phone rang and rearranged my social calendar to meet up at his beck and call.  I felt so bad for him because he was suffering from depression and felt like it was my “job” to help him.  After all, that’s what friends are for, right?

But the longer I stayed with him, in this on-again off-again “relationship”, the more I was hurting.  I was convinced that one day he would just snap out of whatever he was going through and see that I had stood by him the entire time.  I was waiting for the end of the rom com where he would run to my house in the rain, with a bouquet of flowers, declare his undying love for me and we’d live happily ever after.

That’s not what happens with these kind of guys.  I don’t doubt he may have gone through something very traumatic and backed away once he opened up to you.  Heck, I’ve done that myself.  But his actions, and words, have shown that he is either is not capable or unwilling to have a relationship with you.

But I get it – you keep trying, thinking one day you’re going to break that wall and get through to him – and be rewarded.  I read all 12 pages of this and saw myself in every single one of your updates.

It took me a long time for me to see why I keep seeking out the attention of a guy that wasn’t emotionally available.  I kept over analyzing every thing he said, every move he made.  I kept wanting to know why things were the way they were.  I think it’s human nature to want to know why something is, so I’m not blaming you for that, but sometimes things just are…because.  We can all sit here and play amateur psychologist all day.  None of us will ever really know what’s in his head.

Which finally brings me to my point of why I stayed with that guy so long.  I realized that I wanted to be wanted.  It really made me feel good when he wanted my support.  It made me feel like I had a purpose.  My self esteem was so low that I was looking for that love and validation from others, so I jumped and gobbled up every single bread crumb he threw my way.

So I think in simplest terms, what it boils down to is having a low self esteem and thinking you can’t get any better or don’t deserve any better.  You may be subconsciously thinking well I’m not perfect either, so I’ll accept him and all his problems.  You went through a similar experience so you’re not going to judge, and such an experience means you have a “connection”.

I too thought that staying friends with him was the answer, but I didn’t realize that doing that kept me from fully moving on.  Again, I wanted the rom com.

It wasn’t until I realized that this guy wasn’t going to give me any happiness – and more importantly I couldn’t help him – that I was able to fully let go.  We slowly lost touch over the course of a few months until we just stopped talking altogether.  And even after we lost contact, I still thought of him until one day I had to tell myself I was done, and once I had that a-ha moment, I really had felt like a weight had been lifted.  And guess what – I discovered there were guys out there that weren’t projects and that didn’t need saving from me.  I realized that *I* didn’t need to be needed, if that makes sense.  It was nice to not have another person’s problems bring me down. 

Congrats on the art work being published.  I hope you’re able to find happiness from within and realize that the world does not need saving, and that your worth does not come from someone “needing” you.

Post # 170
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

neverbeenstungbee :  

I’m not mad, and again, what you say is simply a matter of perspective. I have a different one from you, and I am allowed to.

Post # 172
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with you, I was surprised this thread is still going. The OP is holding on to this relationship and is trying to have bees on here help her dissect his every move and word to her. That isn’t helpful or healthy. We have all been there and done that. It never helps. All that helps is to realize you need to move on and cut bait. This isn’t a good relationship or in fact a relationship at all by his choice and no matter how hard the OP tries it isn’t and never will be an actual friendship either. 

 

neverbeenstungbee :  

Post # 173
Member
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

redmango :  

Beautifully said, Bee.

I truly admire your insight and self awareness. It sounds as if this relationship, though painful, gave you quite a lot in terms of growth and clarity.

Post # 175
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

rachel351 :  He sounds like is losing interest.  I have been in your situation more then once and the lack of contact is a very bad sign.  I’ve learned that if someone cares about you, nothing will stop them from calling/texting/seeing you.  Texts take seconds.  I also disagree w/people saying you can’t judge a relationship on texting.  No not alone on texting, but if that is lacking its not going in the right direction.  Those relationships and situations always left me craving attention.  All that energy expended was a waste of time.  I spent hours analyzing their behavior, wondering what every little sign meant.  The bigger was that they weren’t interested.  

My fiance never has made me feel that way.  You need to leave ASAP.  I’m gonna berate you because I’ve made the same mistakes, but just advising you to find someone else.

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