He is distant just when things became more serious – anything I can do?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

rachel351 :  Not trying to be harsh, but what kind of advice are you looking for? You’ve been given TONS of great advice… and you’re still in the same situation you were in before- wondering what this guy is thinking and if he is interested in having a relationship with you… 

Post # 77
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee

OP, this guy sounds like he’s not TRULY emotionally available–most people aren’t when they’re working through major childhood trauma. The relationship isn’t making you feel good at all (you feel anxious and uncertain all the time, right?), it’s very early in it, he doesn’t seem that into it, he isn’t available for it no matter what you OR he has to say… just let it go. 

Post # 79
Member
37 posts
Newbee

He seems to be showing you what he is available for and it is not much at all.  The kindest thing to do is to let him do the work he needs to do and stop trying to set up dates, meet-ups, or whatever. 

Post # 80
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Without ever having met the guy or knowing him at all, I can feel his issues from here. He has all kinds of undealt with feelings that are holding him back. This is what makes people emotionally unavailable. They want to want to… they’d love to have a relationship, but they’re just not capable of it right now. His emotional system is clouded up with other feelings and thoughts and issues that he has to work through, and it’s crowding out his ability to love you or be there for you.

I’ve been through a few of these relationships recently… they were short because the anxiety and frustration of trying to relate to a person like this eventually gets to you, and you realise you need to cut it off. 

Most likely, meeting you and getting along so well and connecting with you has triggered some of these issues to come to the surface in him. That often happens. The best thing you can do is not take it personally and release him. Just let it go – consider yourself split up and give it space. Live your own life and leave him be. Maybe in a few months you guys can be friends.

Post # 83
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

rachel351 :  

I can relate so much to your story which is why I have commented quite a bit.

I had a relationship – it was short, about two months, same as yours – I fell for the guy as soon as I met him. The more time I spent with him, the more I realised how well we fit together, how deeply we connected and how much I could love him. I could tell he felt the same way and we both really enjoyed our time together.

However, he was not all in emotionally right from the get go. He had kept saying to me that he wanted us to spend time together and “see how it goes,” and “see what develops over time.” I was fine with that initially, but when he started exhibiting distant, ambivalent behaviour, I knew I was no longer really fine with it.

He also opened up to me a lot about deep, personal stuff. Granted, his issues were not the same as your guy’s, but all the same, he shared a lot with me, and I came to realise through that that he was probably not truly over some or a lot of that stuff.

After one particularly wonderful night when we had a long heart-to-heart – he had said he would marry me if I fell pregnant and that I checked off everything he was looking for, and again ending with him saying he wanted to “see how it goes” – he became a bit distant. Texted me, and also went quiet at times. Finally, when it became difficult to make plans with him a few days later, we broke it off. He knew it wasn’t fair to keep me in limbo, and I knew it too.

I was really, really devastated because he was everything I was looking for in a guy, and I knew he was someone I could love and that I already did love him. He also was an amazing person, and I felt so sad it ended this way. Again, I felt like he was an incredible person with a lot to offer, but also needed time to think and work on stuff on his own. He wanted to still be friends, but we agreed to have space and time apart for a while.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really empathise with what you’re going through and sending you lots of hugs and comfort. It’s very hard.

Post # 85
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

This is why I think women should be dating more than one man at a time for as long as possible. You had all your hopes pinned on this guy, you want it to be a serious relationship instead of letting it evolve naturally, and he’s taking up so much head space, broken-up or not. You need to focus on something else. I found that men don’t object to dating a woman who is seeing others as well. In fact it can stimulate their need to be the best. I think it’s a mistake to let someone know early on that your focus is solely on them. I never did. My focus was all over the place lol and it didn’t matter. But it kept me from spending hours analyzing one man’s moves and words. 

Post # 88
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee

I also think it’s wise to date more than one person at once, BUT some people are very particular that they are only sexually involved with ONE person at a time, and as a result only date one person at a time. I can respect that, and that is ALSO probably wise. So I don’t think you did anything wrong by remaining physically exclusive if that’s what’s most comfortable for you. It’s just too bad that kept you EMOTIONALLY exclusive. 

Nevertheless, I think it’s important that you cut this off now, for real. You’re getting texts and so on from him? Stop. I know you’ll say, “But this is someone I really care about”–but that doesn’t matter. Right now, keeping him in your life in ANY capacity will only further your pain and keep you from moving on. This is over. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, so let him go. You don’t have to be a bitch and block him with no explanation, but you absolutely need to get to a place at which you tell him that he has to stop contacting you for good. 

Post # 89
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with Denise. If it’s over, it’s over. No room for friendly exchanges, because you are in it too deep to be able to separate things.

Let him know it’s either on or off. He can’t keep messaging you or else you won’t be able to move on. You’ll just get more hurt. It’s not fair to you.

If he can’t be in a relationship right now, he should leave you alone so you can heal.

Post # 90
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

rachel351 :  No, you never told him in words. You didn’t have to, it was pretty clear.  What’s not so clear is how you really feel about him. It seems to be based on your perception of how he feels about you. You talk about breaking up, but texting, staying friends, he’s such a great person, etc. You’re all over the place.

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