Post # 1
I am on the waiting list but haven’t posted a lot yet. I have a little vent to get off my chest . My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years. Not long I know. However I am 36 and he is 43. We are both divorced with kids. Our relationship has been great. It’s fantastic for each of us to have found the person we want to be with.
BF and I would like to try for a baby together, but only after we are married. He will need to go for a vasectomy reversal before we TTC. Our ages and the reversal already have me worried about TTC. Time is of the essence for us!
We spoke about 9 months ago about getting married and both agreed we want to. We have the centre stone already and chose the ring setting a couple of months ago which is/was/will be custom made. I thought the ring would have been made or at least started by now but I don’t know anymore. With all these factors I had assumed the proposal would be coming soon. As in any day now. BF had always inferred he would propose before the end of this year, but it seemed it would be before then. Apparently not. My BF is a fantastic guy, but he is a terrible liar. He brought up, randomly, last night how he wants to go away for a long weekend for Valentine’s Day (which is our second anniversary). From the other comments he made it was obvious that it when he is planning on proposing. I’m sure he has no idea he let the cat out of the bag, but it was very clear to me.
I am really disappointed and frustrated that he is planning on waiting another 6 months to propose. We only get to see our extended families once a year at Christmas (due to distance) and I had anticipated being able to celebrate our engagement with them. Also we had spoken about having a destination wedding next July. It is the only time next year we can get time away from work. I can’t organise a wedding overseas and expect friends and family to be able to save up and come with only a 5 month lead time! BF also mentioned last night that he thinks we wont be able to get married until at least 2018 as he needs “time to plan” the wedding.
He may just waiting because he wants it to be special. I just don’t see how it takes 6 months to organise. I know the proposal will be nice, but I also know it will be very simple. He won’t go over the top. It will most likely be just us on a beach, which sounds perfect to me. So, what’s the hold up? At this rate we won’t be able to start TTC until I’m at least 38 and him 45.
I’m PMSing at the moment and I think that is making everything worse. For some (silly) reason I can’t help but remember Bf has told me several times of how he bought a beautiful ring, proposed, planned a huge wedding and got married to his ex all in the space of two months, which he paid for all of, because it was “important to him”. It makes me feel like I’m not important to him.
Apologies for my vent. i realise I’m lucky to have a man who is planning on proposing and at least now I know when. I don’t want to seem insensitive to the bees who have waited much longer than me. If I was younger it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but TTC at my age worries me, let alone having a leisurely wait until we are able to start!
Post # 2
He maybe trying to throw you off! I know you said he’s a terrible liar. But he may have something planned so that you can celebrate with your families at Christmas.
Post # 3
I get it!! I’m in the waiting phase too. The mr is 9 years older than me, never been married, no kids, and just turned 40 last month. He frequently brings up getting married and how he wants to start trying right away. We went ring shopping twice to get an idea of what I like but he doesnt want my input and wants to surprise me so I’ve backed off on the e-ring discussions. We’ve determined that getting married in 2018 (I’m thinking June) works best for us since I’ll graduate with my MBA in 2017 and we have a cruise planned that Sept.
I have literally NO idea when he’s going to propose but I don’t see why we need to wait at this point. I’m not going anywhere and neither is he so why wait to get engaged??? We (you and I) would rather be engaged now, take our time planning the wedding etc. I’d love to have the venue booked right now if possible so we can take our time paying for it. It makes perfect sense to us but that’s not how men think unfortunately. The only thing I can suggest is to continue waiting (knowing its coming) and be surprised or have a candid conversation with him about your concerns regarding the timeline.
Post # 4
I think the best way to handle this is to speak with him. Hopefully both your expectations and his plans align, but if they don’t, you should be able to communicate that to him.
Post # 5
I think your timeline on TTC makes this an issue. You really don’t want to wait longer than you have to on that, so I would say that should be your primary consideration on timing of a proposal and wedding (if you are set on getting married before trying). My BF and I are not married, but with me being 42, we are TTC first. Might not happen for us, but we are giving it a shot.
Post # 6
I would be upset in your boat, too!! And honestly, I would just chat with him about it. I’m sorry, but MY peace of mind and our emotional transparency as a couple is far more important than the guy’s “surprise.” Like, come on, it’s not REALLY a surprise. So what’s the point in waiting that long? There seem to be a lot of logical and logistical reasons he shouldn’t wait so long, and I’d bring them up and get on the same page.
Post # 7
Have you communicated your concerns to him? Seems like a reasonable thing for the two of you to talk through.
Post # 8
I did try to talk myself into thinking that SO may be cooking up something to try to throw me off the track but I highly doubt it. He wants to book (and pay) for the trip for February and I know he wouldn’t do that if we were planning and saving for a wedding.
I feel your pain! I really hope your SO gives you a timeline to work with soon 🙂
I have talked to my BF in the past about timelines. He was initially very resistant to giving me any information at all as he wants it to be a “surprise”. But you are right. It really isn’t a surprise when we have already designed the ring etc. And the delays are just going to make it much less special. I will give it a few days and try to bring it up gently with him. It’s difficult to feel like I have to push him into proposing earlier. I have always thought that if a man wants to marry you he will make it happen no matter the circumstances. My Bf did in the past, so it makes it worse that he is delaying with me. I don’t think he gets the ages we are will impact everything and how waiting makes a woman feel.
Post # 9
Try to remember that his seeming foot-dragging most likely has NOTHING to do with you. My SO was doing this for a while, too. He initially told me, when I moved in a month ago, that he wanted to wait until January to discuss timelines and specifics.
I thought on that for a few weeks and then brought it up with him again and pointed out that there was no logical reason to wait that long, that he was being incredibly confusing and inconsistent (he had brought up our eventual wedding THREE TIMES unprompted, of his own accord the previous Sunday on our hiking trip), and that it’s not fair to ME for him to be walking around knowing what he wants and when and letting himself get excited, but keep me in the dark for another 5 months – so that I couldn’t fully participate in the exciting conversations he kept starting.
I pointed out that we both know we are going to marry each other, that I let him know early on that I wanted a quicker-than-normal timeline because I’m 31, and that he was probably acting out of an irrational fear that he needed to examine. He admitted that YES, even though he’s incredibly excited for us to start our future together, he hadn’t wanted to admit to himself, much less to ME that some part of him is incredibly scared and anxious, too. I think he worried I would take it personally and see it as a sign that he doesn’t love me “enough.” But I knoa that’s it just in his nature to procrastinate, avoid things that give him anxiety, and spend a lot of time acting from a place of mild fear/trepidation. He’s working on that, and ever since we had that conversation he told me it was like a huge weight was lifted off of him.
He had a fishing trip the next day and he spent all day thinking about what he wanted and that night we laid in bed and discussed EVERYTHING.
The thing is, I wouldn’t WANT to marry a man who prioritized his silly “surprise” over my emotional well-being, and over me being able to be an equal partner in the decision-making process. Sure, he will surprise me with the time and day and the way he does it, but I KNOW that I won’t be waiting past May/June, and that completely gets rid of my anxiety on the matter. There is really no reason, in our day and age, and at our ages, to be holding each other in suspense like he’s doing with you.
Post # 10
He’s either 1) not serious about marrying you 2) not serious about having a baby or 3) both.
IF he actually wanted to have a baby with you, and wanted to do that AFTER marriage, you guys would have been at the courthouse yesterday and gotten that shit done. I mean, FFS. He still has to get the vasectomy reversed!
You are not kids in your early 20s. You are grown-ups with kids. Sometimes the practicalities of life take over, and every move you make doesn’t have to be all Pinterest-y. There doesn’t need to be a fancy ring, or any ring at all. There doesn’t need to be a proposal, or a fucking SURPRISE. Because SURPRISE! If you want to have a baby? You need to start NOW. You’ve agreed you want to be married. Great! So do it. Grab your friends/siblings/parents/whoever, go to the church or the courthouse, and call it a day. You’ll be married and you can get on with it.
A guy who wouldn’t agree to that plan wouldn’t be a guy I could trust.
Post # 11
It doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is being realistic about the situation. If the two of you have discussed and agreed upon his seeking a vasectomy reversal and the two of you TTC, given your ages he doesn’t have endless time to procrastinate by delaying a proposal or citing 2018 for a destination wedding as though you’re twenty-somethings.
Has he even looked into the vasectomy reversal to see what it entails or how long it takes to schedule etc?
Either he’s being incredibly naive or he’s not being honest with you in how he feels about everything. Is he totally on board with the vas reversal/ TTC or is it something he agreed to to please you? Surely an intelligent rational man could see that time is a legitimate factor in your future plans?
You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him what you’ve told us. If he wants to marry you, blend families, and attempt to reverse his vasectomy so you can TTC, then surely a proposal sooner rather than later should be a priority. His need to endlessly plan and ‘surprise’ you could jeopardize the window of time the two of you have to do all that you’ve agreed on. Tell him straight out that the time factor is making you anxious. You’re talking about waiting half a year more before you even start planning a wedding, and then he’s being insistent on a mid-to-long engagement to give enough time to plan a Destination Wedding. He’s either not getting the time factor or he’s deliberately trying to allow the window of opportunity to pass- I hope for your sake he’s been honest in his desires to try for another child, especially as you both already have children and he’s had a vasectomy, but if he’s not as on board with this as he’s led you to believe, he needs to be honest with you.
Post # 13
so sorry to hear that everything will be much later than you’d hoped for and assumed. With life changes and timing that matters so much (emotionally and logistically), it seems important for couples to have very open and specific discussions. If something is headed toward marriage soon and proposal is hoped for before a certain time, it’s good (in advance) to ask the guy to think about his timeline and let you know (by when he’ll be proposing or by when he wants to get married). I’m not meaning to admonish you at all- I just don’t understand why this isn’t a more commonly suggested approach to these types of discussions and avoiding unnecessary disappointment. Seems like cultural norms can have ppl skirting the topic then women super emotional, upset, and disappointed over an assumption when they could’ve just had a timeline
I did this before. Gave my BF time to think about it, learn how much rings cost etc., and think about how he wanted to propose, ask me whatever he needed to to think things through. He said within a year, I explained why that wouldn’t work for me (it was centered on a lease expiring and would be stressful), then he gave a 6-8mo timeline for proposing. I didn’t stress or nag him about it. When he had set proposal plans more firmly, he asked for it to be bumped 1mo later and I said fine, but that it needed a good reason and I wouldn’t be okay bumping it back again. I had just as much surprise and fun as anybody else, but less worry about it being much longer than I expected or too late for the wedding timing I wanted.
I’m also going to say that it’s concerning that a 43yr old who has had a vasectomy and says that he wants to marry and have kids w a 36yr old wants to wait “at least” 2yrs to get married. Sorry, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually committed to having that vasectomy reversal or marrying in time to have a good shot at having kids. I’d try to have a full honesty convo w him, asking him to really tell you how he feels about it- if he doesn’t really “have” to have more kids, if he is kinda neutral or anti the reversal surgery, etc. Better to help him open up to you now than to get frustrated as he invents new ways to drag his feet on proposal, marriage, or anything that would lead to reversal surgery and a baby.
Post # 14
I really appreciate your advice, and apologise for not posting sooner. It has been a frantic week at work.
I agree with the comments. The themes that came up were what I have been thinking about. I have been concerned that my Bf is only saying he wants to have kids to please me, and he is dragging his feet as a way of decreasing the chances of having to have a baby. I have spoken to my Bf about this in recent weeks. He assures me he does want to have a baby and it partly for me, but also because it’s something he wants for himself. I think it has taken him a while to process emotionally. His kids are older and he thought he was done with babies. I told him that I just need him to be honest if he doesn’t want to TTC. He got very emotional and eventually told me that he is terrified that he will have the reversal and it won’t be successful. He is worried that if we can’t have a baby together I will leave him. I told my Bf that I wouldn’t leave him is we weren’t successul in conceiving, however I would not be able to stay in the relationship if he told he he wanted to TTC but then deliberately sabotaged it. I just don’t want to be lied to. I don’t NEED a baby with my Bf, it is something that I want.
I am going to have another chat with my BF about how a surprise is not important if it means a long delay for proposal/marriage and less possibility for conceiving. There are reasons to do with the kids which mean we can’t marry before the end of the year. But I have no problem heading off overseas for a quick elopement with the kids. My Bf also told me that he wants to “give me what I deserve”and that’s why he takes so long. I am going to have to try to get him to understand that I don’t need a big fancy wedding and that being married, to me, is more important than the wedding.
He talks about our future all the time. Everyday he has plans he gets excited about. I started saying “if” we got married etc as I felt odd saying “when” without being engaged. Bf sat me down and asked me if I would please stop saying “if”. He wanted me to know he is completely serious about our life together and needs me to be as serious. When I say “if” he think it means I am still weighing up my options, so he asked me to say “when” instead. Men sure are funny creatures!
I hope all the other waiting bees ar getting good news!
Post # 15
But just because he is theoretically interested in having a baby does not mean he really wants to prioritize it over his other plans for the engagement, wedding etc. He might have a really nice plan for Valentines day and look forward to that more than TTC