Post # 1
We have been together for 3 years. From the first 3 months he told me to move together and I accepted, he has always showed me that he wanted a serious relationship and he’s not affraid of committment. From the first year he started showing me that he wants a baby. In January this year he told me clearly (no hints like before) in front of my sister that next year it’s time to make a baby and in this moment I got angry inside (I didnt showed him) and asked him retorically where is my ring. my family started to ask all the time when do you get married and also his friends are ‘fighting’ who is gonna be his best man. However, beside the pressure, I was really really disappointed because he never brought the term marriage NEVER in our conversations. I started doubting whether he really wants to marry or it’s just because I told him. I know he loves me and we are a very healthy couple. After many pressures I broked and we fight because he never shared any thoughts about marriage. I told him that I’m dissapointed, asked him if it matters to him and he told me that many couples have baby before marriage. I answered: many couples dont marry at all it’s that what u want? He told me that this things goes together and that he is planning to propose since I told him about the ring. But my issue is WHY did I had to tell him? Why he didnt feel the need to do it. Now any time I hear about engagements or marriage I feel angry and hurt
Post # 2
But my issue is WHY did I had to tell him?
I don’t see what is wrong with this, the majority of couples aren’t automatically on exactly the same page or pace without discussing it.
Most couples don’t have a big elaborate surprise proposal without discussing marriage and both people laying out their wants because there isn’t anything romantic about someone dictating the rest of your life to you.
He wasn’t super into marriage on his own and is happy to do it now he knows it is important to you, I don’t get the issue or why you get angry now?
Post # 3
zzar45 : yes that’s the problem I don’t feel like I want it anymore as he is no super into marriage. And maybe in other situation I would not care but all his friends did married I dont understand why he didnt seem to even think about it. I dont want to get married just because I want
Post # 4
Rox F : I think his friends getting married is totally irrelevant. I don’t know a single person who has gotten engaged without sitting down and chatting about it and agreeing the best time for them as a couple.
If you don’t want to get married to him any more then you need to decide if that is a deal breaker for you. He is compromising by getting married for you, but he would perfectly happy with a long term committed cohabiting relationship with kids. You can’t really fault him for that, not everyone values marriage in the same way.
If that isn’t what you want then you know your answer and this isn’t the relationship for you.
Post # 5
Rox F :
Planning to propose doesn’t really add up to anything. Those are words, Bee. Actions are what matters.
It’s important to negotiate a timeline now and be sure that you can come up with one that syncs up.
When are you going ring shopping?
Please do not let him pull the old I want it to be a surprise line. The USS Surprise left the harbor quite some time ago. A lot of guys pull out the it has to be a super speshul surprise chestnut as a stalling tactic.
If the element of surprise is truly something important to both of you, fine. Fair enough. Once you agree on your timeframe, he can get to work on your super speshul colossal surprise extravaganza complete with balloons and a mariachi band.
If your resentment has really built to the point that you no longer even want to marry your bf, say that. Open, honest communication is the essence of healthy adult relationships. Relationship goals are supposed to be part of ongoing discussions throughout the lifetime of your partnership.
And, dear gawd, do not have a baby with this guy.
Post # 6
sassy411 : I don’t doubt about what he said the issue for me here is why I needed to bring it up and that it losts all essence. I don’t mind about the ring or the surprise either and I told him. I also told him that I dont feel like having wedding or kids anymore. but the fact that he didnt mentioned once the word wedding until I did. I just struggle sometimes I think it’s a reason to break up and sometimes that was just a missunderstanding…
Post # 7
Rox F :
Ok. If it’s just a misunderstanding, how so? What was misunderstood and by whom? Do you feel as if you were not clear about what you want and need from your bf?
Post # 8
sassy411 : Well maybe while he was speaking about having a baby I gave him the impression that I m not ready but I just wanted to give him time to propose. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for him…😟
Post # 9
Rox F : don’t let him talk you into being his baby mama. You want/expect marriage first. Don’t settle for less than what *you* want! It’s 2019, Marriage is not sullied because you had to do the asking! Discuss a wedding date with him tonight and get engaged. Best wishes!
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
I can understand your disappointment. Here in the US (not sure where you are from), we are steeped in cultural messaging from the very beginning that relationships flow seamlessly from one phase to the next, with marriage being the ultimate “goal.” For some people, this is true – but it’s more luck than anything else. For most folks, it’s not that simple! Relationships require clear, ongoing communication to make sure each partner is getting their needs met. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to be committed to you and is receptive to your desire for marriage. The fact that you had to advocate for yourself and NAME that desire during a conversation shows you’re willing to talk about complex issues. It does NOT mean everything is spoiled.
Will he follow through? Maybe. Hopefully. But to treat marriage and children like issues where you two will always automatically be on the same page is to set yourself up for a lot of disappointment. Feel the hell out of your feelings, then let them go. Focus on the important part: your future with this guy!
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
The reality is he didn’t think about it and he didn’t bring it up because it was not a priority or a need for him. However, he’s willing to do it because you want to do it. If that’s not enough for you, if you need it to be something that he brought up on his own, then that ship has sailed and maybe you need to reconsider your relationship. You can’t make him feel how you want him to feel about it. You can choose to accept the options presented to you or you can opt to walk away if you feel the resentment has grown too much.
Post # 12
My husband and I moved in together less than a year of knowing one another, I had an IUD and he knew prior to the move that there wouldn’t be any children without marriage. I wasn’t going to just be someone’s baby mamma, you want a commitment from me then you are expected to do the same. It also helped that within his circle friends they didn’t have children out of wedlock, I think social circles have a big impact on how men view this situation.
The best thing was that you told him exactly what you expected from him when he expressed he was ready for the next step in the relationship. He wants to be a family unit, just isn’t going about it with the same views are you. I can understand being upset but focus on him seeing where he messed up and is now working towards rectifying it.
There will be many many more times where you ask yourself “why did I have to tell you” lol men can just be dense at times
Post # 13
Rox F : He can’t read your mind. It seems like misccomunication on both sides. You also have to keep in mind that hinting doesn’t work with everyone. If you wanted marriage, that should have been a discussion earlier on in the relationship regarding long term relationship goals (before your resentment started to build up).
And it seems that he wasn’t keen on marriage when you did speak about it. So… shouldn’t you have known that as well? Communication works both ways. Before getting married, please work on communicating better with your significant other. I’m sure other issues will come up if you two aren’t clear on expectations and goals.
Post # 14
You are your own advocate for getting your life where you want it to be. So tell him what you want and don’t compromise on the essentials like wanting to be married.
Post # 15
I get that you’re resentful that marriage doesn’t seem to be a priority, that he doesn’t prize you as a wife but is willing to make babies outside of marriage. However, ultimately you’ll need to decide what it is you really want here bee. Do you want to be married to this man or not? If so what will it take for you to get over your resentment….if possible? Are you willing to work on that? If he is willing to marry you but isn’t excited about marriage is that acceptable? You really need to reflect on what your needs are.
If not…then make peace with that decision and move on.