He is planning to propose now after I told him

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
5579 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

But my issue is WHY did I had to tell him?

I don’t see what is wrong with this, the majority of couples aren’t automatically on exactly the same page or pace without discussing it. 

Most couples don’t have a big elaborate surprise proposal without discussing marriage and both people laying out their wants because there isn’t anything romantic about someone dictating the rest of your life to you.  

He wasn’t super into marriage on his own and is happy to do it now he knows it is important to you, I don’t get the issue or why you get angry now? 

Post # 4
Member
5579 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Rox F :  I think his friends getting married is totally irrelevant.  I don’t know a single person who has gotten engaged without sitting down and chatting about it and agreeing the best time for them as a couple.  

If you don’t want to get married to him any more then you need to decide if that is a deal breaker for you.  He is compromising by getting married for you, but he would perfectly happy with a long term committed cohabiting relationship with kids.  You can’t really fault him for that, not everyone values marriage in the same way.

If that isn’t what you want then you know your answer and this isn’t the relationship for you. 

Post # 5
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Rox F :  

Planning to propose doesn’t really add up to anything.  Those are words, Bee. Actions are what matters.

It’s important to negotiate a timeline now and be sure that you can come up with one that syncs up.

When are you going ring shopping?

Please do not let him pull the old I want it to be a surprise line. The USS Surprise left the harbor quite some time ago. A lot of guys pull out the it has to be a super speshul surprise chestnut as a stalling tactic.

If the element of surprise is truly something important to both of you, fine. Fair enough. Once you agree on your timeframe, he can get to work on your super speshul colossal surprise extravaganza complete with balloons and a mariachi band.

If your resentment has really built to the point that you no longer even want to marry your bf, say that.  Open, honest communication is the essence of healthy adult relationships. Relationship goals are supposed to be part of ongoing discussions throughout the lifetime of your partnership.

And, dear gawd, do not have a baby with this guy.

Post # 7
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Rox F :  

Ok.  If it’s just a misunderstanding, how so? What was misunderstood and by whom? Do you feel as if you were not clear about what you want and need from your bf?

Post # 9
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Rox F :  don’t let him talk you into being his baby mama. You want/expect marriage first.  Don’t settle for less than what *you* want! It’s 2019, Marriage is not sullied because you had to do the asking!  Discuss a wedding date with him tonight and get engaged.  Best wishes!

Post # 10
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I can understand your disappointment. Here in the US (not sure where you are from), we are steeped in cultural messaging from the very beginning that relationships flow seamlessly from one phase to the next, with marriage being the ultimate “goal.” For some people, this is true – but it’s more luck than anything else. For most folks, it’s not that simple! Relationships require clear, ongoing communication to make sure each partner is getting their needs met. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to be committed to you and is receptive to your desire for marriage. The fact that you had to advocate for yourself and NAME that desire during a conversation shows you’re willing to talk about complex issues. It does NOT mean everything is spoiled.

Will he follow through? Maybe. Hopefully. But to treat marriage and children like issues where you two will always automatically be on the same page is to set yourself up for a lot of disappointment. Feel the hell out of your feelings, then let them go. Focus on the important part: your future with this guy!

Post # 11
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

The reality is he didn’t think about it and he didn’t bring it up because it was not a priority or a need for him. However, he’s willing to do it because you want to do it. If that’s not enough for you, if you need it to be something that he brought up on his own, then that ship has sailed and maybe you need to reconsider your relationship. You can’t make him feel how you want him to feel about it. You can choose to accept the options presented to you or you can opt to walk away if you feel the resentment has grown too much.

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My husband and I moved in together less than a year of knowing one another, I had an IUD and he knew prior to the move that there wouldn’t be any children without marriage. I wasn’t going to just be someone’s baby mamma, you want a commitment from me then you are expected to do the same. It also helped that within his circle friends they didn’t have children out of wedlock, I think social circles have a big impact on how men view this situation. 

The best thing was that you told him exactly what you expected from him when he expressed he was ready for the next step in the relationship. He wants to be a family unit, just isn’t going about it with the same views are you. I can understand being upset but focus on him seeing where he messed up and is now working towards rectifying it. 

There will be many many more times where you ask yourself “why did I have to tell you” lol men can just be dense at times

Post # 13
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Rox F :  He can’t read your mind. It seems like misccomunication on both sides. You also have to keep in mind that hinting doesn’t work with everyone.  If you wanted marriage, that should have been a discussion earlier on in the relationship regarding long term relationship goals (before your resentment started to build up). 

And it seems that he wasn’t keen on marriage when you did speak about it. So… shouldn’t you have known that as well? Communication works both ways. Before getting married, please work on communicating better with your significant other. I’m sure other issues will come up if you two aren’t clear on expectations and goals.

Post # 14
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You are your own advocate for getting your life where you want it to be. So tell him what you want and don’t compromise on the essentials like wanting to be married. 

Post # 15
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I get that you’re resentful that marriage doesn’t seem to be a priority, that he doesn’t prize you as a wife but is willing to make babies outside of marriage.  However, ultimately you’ll need to decide what it is you really want here bee.  Do you want to be married to this man or not?  If so what will it take for you to get over your resentment….if possible?  Are you willing to work on that?  If he is willing to marry you but isn’t excited about marriage is that acceptable?  You really need to reflect on what your needs are.

If not…then make peace with that decision and move on.

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