He is planning to propose now after I told him

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well you were right to stand your ground. How is he willing to make and share a baby with you but doesn’t want to show the long term commitment of marriage. That’s ass backwards and many many women are talked into the route and end up resentful 

Post # 18
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Rox F :  It makes no sense to want a baby, but not be down for marriage. A child is way more binding than marriage for many people. 

Post # 19
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Rox F :  no, clearly he does NOT see marriage and kids going together,  the same way as you….

Post # 20
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I see two related issues here: first, you seem to be upset because you brought up marriage first, and perhaps you feel this puts you at a disadvantage and shifts the power dynamic in the relationship so that you seem more committed to him than he is to you. If this were the only issue and he was enthusiastically embracing marriage now that you’ve brought it up, I would see this as my personal issue rather than a relationship issue and try to work through it. Someone has to bring it up first and there’s nothing inherently wrong with you being the one.

However, the other issue seems to be that you are not sure that he truly wants marriage since he has never mentioned it before, and that makes you feel insecure. I get that, and it’s something you should really explore with him in a calm and non-defensive way before you embark on a lifetime committment with him that includes children.

A final point: I’m a little disturbed that he simply declared that next year was the time to make a baby in front of others without a detailed discussion with you first. Does he expect his needs and desires to always come first in the relationship? Does he think he should be the one to make all the major decisions and then anncounce them? Just some things to think about. Good luck, Bee.

Post # 21
Member
2669 posts
Sugar bee

Do NOT have a  baby with this guy.  You ca’t even get him to propose.  He desn’t sound like husband material.

Post # 23
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Rox F :   He obvs doesn’t want to marry you.  Thank you next..

Post # 24
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

Rox F :  “Many couples do the marriage after”…I mean…is he being so stupid on purpose or is this how he normally is? Does he seriously imagine that people often just decide that they aren’t ready for marriage (which can be done cheaply if necessary and ended soon) but hey, bringing an actual PERSON into the world is ok? When a guy pushes for a kid instead of marriage, it makes me think:

1. He doesn’t want to marry you because he thinks someone better might come along
2. He doesn’t think he needs to be around or support his kid for 18 years

Kids are a MAJOR committment and it gets me so angry to see how so many men can be so trivial about this major thing.

Post # 25
Member
6148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Rox F : 

Do you want to be married?

Does your partner want to be with you?

Is marriage a requirement for continuing to be with you?

Then he needs to be willing to marry to you to remain together (and to make a baby).

Maybe he doesn’t care that much about marriage (my husband didn’t, either), but since I had decided that I wanted to be married and he wanted to be with me, we got married. We also had a solid relationship beforehand so we didn’t get married expecting it to change or improve anything. I think it’s more important that he wants to be with you and is willing to do what it takes for that to happen (whether that means getting married or proving himself in some other way). It’s not as important that he’s super excited about marriage, necessarily.

Post # 26
Member
10659 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

strawberrysakura :  

Yeah, this is starting to make me kind of insane.

Is my perspective becoming skewed because this comes up so often on the Bee?  Guy doesn’t want/isn’t ready for/doesn’t believe in a BIG COMMITMENT like marriage.  But, hey, wouldn’t it be fun to make a baby?  WTAF?

How do you even get there from here?

Eighteen years of support is a self soothing fantasy.  By all accounts, most kids don’t wake up on their 18th birthdays, find well paying jobs, take over their own car insurance, pack up their gear and move into their own apartments.

Post # 27
Member
5538 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think not being ready for the commitment of marriage but being ready for kids is the insane line usually spouted on the bee but I think like in this case where someone doesn’t necessarily want marriage then it’s different. You can want kids without wanting marriage and your relationship is just as valid. 

 

sassy411 :  

Post # 28
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

zzar45 :  But then it’s not just wanting kids, it’s having a plan for kids. What if something happens to him, or to her? What if they decide they can’t live together anymore? What rights do they have regarding where the kids live, child support, visitation, etc? If they can figure all of that out without being married, then ok…but that’s a completely different thing than ‘hey it’s time to have a kid!’ which is what the OP’s partner is saying. I’ve had a boyfriend pull this on me too, wanting a kid without wanting to get married yet, and I think it’s because a kid is just viewed as less committment for men. Socially and historically, the primary care-giver is usually the woman and so I think some men just imagine that they could get on without him if necessary. It’s a pretty gross mindset to have. 

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