(Closed) He is pulling away from me …. what should I do ….

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

amys99: When you say adoption, do you mean his current children or the two of you adopting a child together? He has stated he does not want any more children… this means adoption too. If the first, you would not be able to adopt his children with their mother having join custody.

I would avoid the email, you are both adults. Sit in person and talk openly about what each of you really wants. But be prepared that he may wish to end the relationship.

Honestly, you guys are on two different pages. He is walking away… let him go.

Post # 4
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

amys99:  You have only been together for 5 months and “The divorce papers have also been officially signed in the past month (they’ve been seperated a year)”… so the divorce is not offically finallized yet, in court?

Are you his first relationship after his marriage? This man just ended a marriage, I believe another marriage is far from his thoughts right now. The last thing he probably wants is to talk about getting married at all.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

amys99:  You aren’t sure. I can hear it from both of your posts. Being a stepmom MAY be enough but you aren’t really certain if you want to forego having children YET. It’s very easy when things are new and you’re bursting with love for each other to allow that to color your feelings. When I met my second husband he was 42 and had no children and he said he was more than content with the two children I already had. No sooner than we walked down the aisle, he started with the baby talk…lol. I make awesome babies so I said hmmm…just oneeeee more time and we had a gorgeous daughter and then two years later I went for my annual and lo and behold there was a son in there so I ended up with FOUR. I truly do not mind it. I love my babies to death but I think he wasn’t honest with himself about his desire to be a father. He THOUGHT he was but his desire to have me and be married was stronger at the time. I think that as a father, HE realizes this and he is giving you some space because he feels you would change your mind and harbor resentment in the future if denied the opportunity to have children of your own. Skip the letter. It’s great you wrote it to organize your thoughts but talk to him face-to-face.

Post # 6
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee

 

IMO you should slow your roll.  He just got divorced.  His emotions are all over the place.  The last thing he needs is for someone to be talking commitment and babies.  The smart thing for the both of you to do it take it SLOWLY and put the children discussion off, way off.  He probably has’t gotten his single man bearings yet.

Post # 7
Member
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

it sounds as if he has a lot going on right now. tell him you love him, give him some space and give yourself the time to really work through your feelings about motherhood. If you were to break up five years from now would you be okay with not having children? It’s a lot to consider. 

Post # 8
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I strongly advise against the letter OP.  In life I’ve learned that when I feel someone pull away it’s a good indicator that I’m being too instense. I think the letter would just make it worse, in fact, I would do the opposite and give him some space, let him contact you.

When my marriage broke up all I wanted was some nice dinner conversation, someone to go to concerts with, just fun stuff I hadn’t done in a long time. I think I’d have freaked too if a man started talking about kids and marriage. He’s unfortunately in the rebound stage.

I really don’t think you should give up your dream of having children for someone you have only been with 5 months.  Step children most likely won’t be anything like adopted children or children of your own. They have a mother and I know my boy is fiercly loyal and protective of me. They might resent you, you might become great friends, you might even become a big happy family, problem is, you don’t know.

 

I think far too many females sit and try to mold themselves into the perfect person for a male without taking a single second to ponder if he is perfect for us.

 

I’m not sure if you are exclusive or not but I would date more and get out there. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, have some fun!

Post # 9
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think I’d be moving so fast with a guy who 1) wasn’t divorced and 2) had only been separated for 7 months from 3) a woman he loved who left him, when you started dating.

 

Post # 10
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

jbella:  Can I ask a totally threadjacking question?  Why do some posters refer to women as “females”?  I never see guys referred to as “males”.

Post # 11
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

I would avoid the email- you need to talk to him, he could just be having a tough time- I was seperated for awhile, but it still felt like a ton of bricks when my divorce was actually final and I had totally moved on- was dating my now husband at the time- life was great- but it was still a little tough. I would give him some space, and use that time to really think about how you feel about kids. Just talk to him next week when you guys have time to have to discuss things.

The child thing is something I can shed some light on- I have a 5 year old daughter from my marriage with my ex. My now husband didn’t have kids with his ex- he never wanted kids with her for many good reasons. I always said I wanted 1 more child, but didn’t want to bring another child into my bad marriage. When my now husband and I started dating we discussed having a child together- he was on the fence- he really loves my daughter and is a great step dad to her- he loves being a family when we are all together, but after some time with us he realized that he liked having adult time and family time, and he had no desire to do the baby thing- having a 5 year old is great.

It took me some time to be okay with that- I almost had to mourn the loss of the idea of having a baby with him. Now I can say I am totally on board with no more kids. We have a great relationship and as a family and we have a great relationship as a couple- it’s the best of both worlds- we get alone time when my daughter is with her dad, and we get our family time. I know it’s hard to think now, but it really can be the best of both worlds. But you have to be ok with that- think about can you be happy with just him and no more kids?

Post # 12
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think maybe you should just gently reach out to him and ask him what’s going on that’s caused him to pull back. I wouldn’t necessarily throw all of the stuff out there about his kids, etc. 

I don’t necessarily agree with PP though. One of my good friends is getting married in November. She met her Fiance a few months after he and his ex separated. They had three kids together, and she did some horrible, horrible things to him–including cheating on him repeatedly. My friend and her Fiance will have been together just over two years when they get married. 

Honestly, I think that sometimes even though they still have residual hurt from the relationship, things were over long before any paperwork was signed. 

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
8829 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

amys99:  It sounds like you are thinking and planning WAY further down the road than him. You’ve been dating less than a year. Less than half a year. This ink is barely dry on his divorce papers. He is probably not even close to thinking about maybe considering a possible remarriage and I don’t think telling him you’re ready to be his kids’ stepmom is going to make it better. Honestly, this early in, with him still healing and you maybe wanting kids of your own… If it were me I’d let him go and find someone closer to where I’m at. Best wishes.

Post # 14
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Kikibear:  

I use “males” as well, it’s just on these boards I’m always giving advice from a female perspective to females. I hadn’t noticed what terms others use! No offense intended!

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