Post # 1
I have been dating this really great guy for the past 5 months.
I truly feel that he is a great ‘catch’ and I have fallen for him. I have actually had some thoughts that he could be ‘the one’. I know that this is a little premature to know this but we are also both in our 30s and I have dated a lot of ‘wrong ones’ to know when I have gotten something good.
I little over a week ago we had a pretty serious talk about future goals. We shared some thoughts that we have about future marriage and children. He spoke about some of his thoughts. It basically centered around having future children or not. He has 2 young children and is recently divorced. I have never been married and don’t have kids. When we first met he had said he wasn’t opposed to having more kids but that he wasn’t sure and was concerned about the affect more kids would have on his kids (having them 50% time + ‘new’ family 100%). Recently he shared with me that he is not sure if he will ever want more kids. That after his last child was born he thought his family was ‘done’ and that he’s not sure what will happen down the road. I mentioned that I want a family (kids).
Since then he has pulled away from me greatly. We have spent some time together 2x since that discussion but the interaction was slightly tense/awkward. Our lovey dovey text messages have halted as well (although we still keep in touch each day … he reaches out to me some & I reach out to him some … it is way less relationshipy then we have been communicating) I know that he is totally getting into his own head worrying about this situation. I have a feeling he is fearing that this will be a huge problem down the road and it might be better to end it now then continue down the path. He was very hurt in his divorce and loved his wife deeply and she left him for someone else. I know he loves me (and just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how much he adores me and how head over heels he is for me). I think he is terrified to love someone as deep as he did his wife and it not work out.
Since that conversation I have had a chance to delve into my own feelings about future kids. One thing I realized is that it is not so much biological kids that I care about as it is being part of a happy marriage and a family. I have always been open (and had considered long before I met him) adoption. I hadn’t previously thought about or dated a man with young kids before and I don’t see how being a step parent would be that much different than adopting. Plus bonus … we would have more time (and resources) during each week when their mother has the kids to also devote to our marriage (if it moves that way).
A couple other things that might be going on with him is that just very recently he let me meet his kids. The divorce papers have also been officially signed in the past month (they’ve been seperated a year). I’m not sure if he is scared of hurting his kids if he lets them get close to me and it doesn’t work out. He may be feeling some residual loss/grief from his divorce. I am totally happy with putting getting to know his kids better until some more time passes and they all have more time to heal. He also has recently started a new job that is an important opportunity so that might be more of the reason why he seems disconnected and stressed.
I have had a chance to write all of me feelings clearly down in a letter. Sometimes I find it hard to communicate all of my thoughts during a conversation (or I forget to share some important thoughts). It has really been enlightening to me to analyze my feelings in this way. I won’t be able to share my thoughts with him until after this week (he is busy with his kids all week). He’s shared with me that his sleep has been really bad this week and I know that our situation (as well as his work … and maybe he doesn’t realize it but I think also his divorce) has been on his mind a lot. I’m afraid he is overthinking this and is getting too into his head and will start making decisions out of fear. He is a very sensitive and thoughtful guy.
Should I email him the letter and let him digest it between now and when we talk? Or should I just wait until we see each other and read it to him or talk about what my feelings are when I see him? I know that between having his kids during the day since they are out of school and working during the evening (from home) he is slammed this week. But I also know he is thinking about our situation and things are getting more distant between us. I know that a recently divorced man is a tough dating situation (and perhaps he really does need more time) but I really do love him and I really think we have had enough of a connection so far that it is at least worth fighting for before giving up on completely. Thoughts/advice?
This topic was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by amys99.
Post # 2
amys99: When you say adoption, do you mean his current children or the two of you adopting a child together? He has stated he does not want any more children… this means adoption too. If the first, you would not be able to adopt his children with their mother having join custody.
I would avoid the email, you are both adults. Sit in person and talk openly about what each of you really wants. But be prepared that he may wish to end the relationship.
Honestly, you guys are on two different pages. He is walking away… let him go.
Post # 3
BrideK2Wings: No … I meant when I was considering having kids adoption was always an option. I have never been dead set on having biological kids. I had not considered previously being a step mom. What I meant was I may be satisfied being a step mom. Of course I wouldn’t adopt them … they still have a mother.
Post # 4
amys99: You have only been together for 5 months and “The divorce papers have also been officially signed in the past month (they’ve been seperated a year)”… so the divorce is not offically finallized yet, in court?
Are you his first relationship after his marriage? This man just ended a marriage, I believe another marriage is far from his thoughts right now. The last thing he probably wants is to talk about getting married at all.
Post # 5
amys99: You aren’t sure. I can hear it from both of your posts. Being a stepmom MAY be enough but you aren’t really certain if you want to forego having children YET. It’s very easy when things are new and you’re bursting with love for each other to allow that to color your feelings. When I met my second husband he was 42 and had no children and he said he was more than content with the two children I already had. No sooner than we walked down the aisle, he started with the baby talk…lol. I make awesome babies so I said hmmm…just oneeeee more time and we had a gorgeous daughter and then two years later I went for my annual and lo and behold there was a son in there so I ended up with FOUR. I truly do not mind it. I love my babies to death but I think he wasn’t honest with himself about his desire to be a father. He THOUGHT he was but his desire to have me and be married was stronger at the time. I think that as a father, HE realizes this and he is giving you some space because he feels you would change your mind and harbor resentment in the future if denied the opportunity to have children of your own. Skip the letter. It’s great you wrote it to organize your thoughts but talk to him face-to-face.
Post # 6
IMO you should slow your roll. He just got divorced. His emotions are all over the place. The last thing he needs is for someone to be talking commitment and babies. The smart thing for the both of you to do it take it SLOWLY and put the children discussion off, way off. He probably has’t gotten his single man bearings yet.
Post # 7
it sounds as if he has a lot going on right now. tell him you love him, give him some space and give yourself the time to really work through your feelings about motherhood. If you were to break up five years from now would you be okay with not having children? It’s a lot to consider.
Post # 8
I strongly advise against the letter OP. In life I’ve learned that when I feel someone pull away it’s a good indicator that I’m being too instense. I think the letter would just make it worse, in fact, I would do the opposite and give him some space, let him contact you.
When my marriage broke up all I wanted was some nice dinner conversation, someone to go to concerts with, just fun stuff I hadn’t done in a long time. I think I’d have freaked too if a man started talking about kids and marriage. He’s unfortunately in the rebound stage.
I really don’t think you should give up your dream of having children for someone you have only been with 5 months. Step children most likely won’t be anything like adopted children or children of your own. They have a mother and I know my boy is fiercly loyal and protective of me. They might resent you, you might become great friends, you might even become a big happy family, problem is, you don’t know.
I think far too many females sit and try to mold themselves into the perfect person for a male without taking a single second to ponder if he is perfect for us.
I’m not sure if you are exclusive or not but I would date more and get out there. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, have some fun!
Post # 9
I don’t think I’d be moving so fast with a guy who 1) wasn’t divorced and 2) had only been separated for 7 months from 3) a woman he loved who left him, when you started dating.
Post # 10
jbella: Can I ask a totally threadjacking question? Why do some posters refer to women as “females”? I never see guys referred to as “males”.
Post # 11
I would avoid the email- you need to talk to him, he could just be having a tough time- I was seperated for awhile, but it still felt like a ton of bricks when my divorce was actually final and I had totally moved on- was dating my now husband at the time- life was great- but it was still a little tough. I would give him some space, and use that time to really think about how you feel about kids. Just talk to him next week when you guys have time to have to discuss things.
The child thing is something I can shed some light on- I have a 5 year old daughter from my marriage with my ex. My now husband didn’t have kids with his ex- he never wanted kids with her for many good reasons. I always said I wanted 1 more child, but didn’t want to bring another child into my bad marriage. When my now husband and I started dating we discussed having a child together- he was on the fence- he really loves my daughter and is a great step dad to her- he loves being a family when we are all together, but after some time with us he realized that he liked having adult time and family time, and he had no desire to do the baby thing- having a 5 year old is great.
It took me some time to be okay with that- I almost had to mourn the loss of the idea of having a baby with him. Now I can say I am totally on board with no more kids. We have a great relationship and as a family and we have a great relationship as a couple- it’s the best of both worlds- we get alone time when my daughter is with her dad, and we get our family time. I know it’s hard to think now, but it really can be the best of both worlds. But you have to be ok with that- think about can you be happy with just him and no more kids?
Post # 12
I think maybe you should just gently reach out to him and ask him what’s going on that’s caused him to pull back. I wouldn’t necessarily throw all of the stuff out there about his kids, etc.
I don’t necessarily agree with PP though. One of my good friends is getting married in November. She met her Fiance a few months after he and his ex separated. They had three kids together, and she did some horrible, horrible things to him–including cheating on him repeatedly. My friend and her Fiance will have been together just over two years when they get married.
Honestly, I think that sometimes even though they still have residual hurt from the relationship, things were over long before any paperwork was signed.
Post # 13
amys99: It sounds like you are thinking and planning WAY further down the road than him. You’ve been dating less than a year. Less than half a year. This ink is barely dry on his divorce papers. He is probably not even close to thinking about maybe considering a possible remarriage and I don’t think telling him you’re ready to be his kids’ stepmom is going to make it better. Honestly, this early in, with him still healing and you maybe wanting kids of your own… If it were me I’d let him go and find someone closer to where I’m at. Best wishes.
Post # 14
I use “males” as well, it’s just on these boards I’m always giving advice from a female perspective to females. I hadn’t noticed what terms others use! No offense intended!
Post # 15
He’s actually the one that brought up the kid thing twice. He’s the one that is worried that we are getting too close or he is developing too strong of feelings for me. He’s the one that has brought up feeling like he’s scared that we will get so in love that breaking up over the baby thing will be too hard on him (and his kids). Honestly, I felt the whole conversation was way too intense too soon. I just wanted to spend some more time getting to know him. I don’t think he should be thinking about his next wife right now. He’s still healing from the last wife. I do eventually want to get married down the road to somebody and I wouldn’t be dating him at this point in my life if I didn’t consider him marriage material but honestly it would be a huge red flag to me if he already wanted to get married. I believe in waiting at least a year (and possibly in his case longer because he was married). This entire relationship he has pursued me and now I think he is freaking out because his feelings are getting stronger, we have gotten more serious … and I don’t know that he completely dealt with his divorce yet and how much it hurt him. I know it’s important to be on the same page about babies but I’m not sure and he’s not sure.