He is trying to suck me back in and I need help.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

Wait, can’t you keep the dog? Why should he suffer?

Your question was “what is wrong with me that I loved someone for so long that I am not really compatible with,” and my answer is some combination of youth and inexperience. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Most of us have been in a similar position at some phase in life. What matters is not doing everything perfectly from step 1, but learning and growing, and not repeating these mistakes.

Post # 3
Member
6799 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

soulful1 :  You need to move out ASAP. Breaking up is hard. It’s harder to do under the same roof because you still have to see that person every day. It sounds like this is a really toxic relationship for you. Do not get sucked back in! You can do this. Tell him your decision is final and move out yesterday. 

Post # 5
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

“The drug use and lying and borrowing money is a huge problem but I could stick it out if that was the ONLY problem. “

Sorry bee, it doesn’t sound like this is the ONLY problem. It sounds to me like your personalities are different and you’re making a smart decision in moving on. It’s hard, difficult, and it sucks – but I think you’ve just got to pull the trigger and do it. You deserve what you want and what you need in your life, and he is just not fulfilling that. 

Post # 6
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Nothing wrong with you, I think everyone goes through this once or twice. My ex and I were together 7 years and I can see now how totally incompatible we were by the end of our relationship. Its great you are gaining the self awareness to see that you two were in fact incompatible, this is a blessing!

Please don’t get back with this guy ever. You two are really not on the same page and you deserve someone who you are more compatible with (and also who isn’t a drug addict). I know its hard right now because i’ve been there before but I promise leaving him is the best thing you could have ever done for yourself.

Also, I think you really need to do everything possible to not be living together as quickly as possible. I’ve been there too, living with my ex during our break up and it was incredibly difficult on me. Its so much easier when you are in your own space and can start to heal and take care of yourself. You have to be the adult here because your ex Fiance is not an adult. You are right the puppy needs to be rehomed to someone who can give it what it needs. Take the steps and do this for the sake of the animal regardless of what your ex-fi says. He’s a drug addict and the animal will only suffer if left with him. Rehome the dog while he’s out of the house and find yourself a new place ASAP.

Post # 7
Hostess
3831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

You just listed a dozen totally viable reasons to never speak to your ex again! You KNOW the reasons you need to get the hell out of there. You are tougher than you think you are. Take a deep breath and take those next steps to get on with your life. Fuck him. I don’t even know him and I am furious at him for how many years he has stunted your personal growth, your social life, and kept you from the love you deserve! Kick that damn parasite to the curb and go find your new awesome life!

ETA: sorry for the swear words, this just makes me so mad! I hate how he acts like it’s your job to take care of him and it’s NOT!

Post # 8
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think anyone would be confused if they emotionally invested so much into the relationship only for it not work out.  Like the other bees I think you should move out ASAP… even if that means staying with a friend for a while.  If he changed for the better then that’s another story.  But him begging now means nothing because it’s still about him and how he’s scared of the change.  It’s not about you or your guys relationship.

Post # 9
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Breaking up and moving out is hard. It’s natural to question it.

Some things that helped me overcome my SO’s pleading:

– Sleep separately, take the couch or the bed or crash with friends/family.

– Discuss logistics, who will keep what furniture/household items.

– Start organizing/packing, even if you haven’t found a new place. Having boxes around makes it more concrete.

– Spend as much time away from home as possible, you can get accustomed to seeing your ex less often.

– Move out while he’s not home, perhaps while he’s at work.

 

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I remember your previous post. Here’s the thing… Not only is there drug use and financial abuse of you (that’s what this is, financial abuse), he blames YOU for his issues. He will continue to do whatever he wants and blame you for everything for as long as you allow it to continue – because why should he ever stop or change? If he were truly serious about going to rehab and trying to fix his life, he would have already gone and done it, rather than dangling it in front of you like a carrot and trying to use this carrot to incentivize you to take him back.   

Just think of it this way – if you take him back, nothing will change. Ever. You will live like this for the rest of your life, unfulfilled in the relationship emotionally and intellectually, with him continuing to use drugs and taking advantage of you and the people around you financially. Is that really how you want to spend your precious life? 

Post # 11
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Just keep remembering how nice it was to have a real conversation with a man 🙂 that will override all the pleading & tears

Post # 12
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

Whatever you do, do not get sucked back in. I have been that person and been even more miserable going back. It is because you are comfortable with him, thats what pulls you back. As you have experienced, there are way better men out there. Go look at that apartment, start packing and get out and do not look back.

Post # 14
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Is the place that you live in your name or his?

Post # 15
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

soulful1 :  Do you have friends who can take in your dogs (together or separately) temporarily while you escape? 

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