(Closed) He just spent $5000 on. . . ARGH :( (long rant, HELP)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What I can say is that your boyfriend won’t commit until his career is in order. He’s in limbo. You won’t know if this small business is a good idea until he really puts his all into it. And as his girlfriend, you must try to be supportive. 

I keep quoting Steve Harvey on here, but I think he’s on to something. He says: “Though a woman might want many things from a man, Steve says men only need three things: support, loyalty and sex. Or as Steve calls it, “the cookie.” “We’ve got to have your support. Whatever adventure we’re out on, whatever pursuit in life, we need your support. Then we need your loyalty. That’s your love. We’ve got to know that you belong to us,” he says. “And we’ve got to have a cookie. Everybody likes cookies. That’s the thing about a cookie. I like oatmeal raisin…but if you’ve got vanilla cream, I’ll eat that too.” 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Steve-Harveys-Dating-Advice-for-Women/4#ixzz1phxPYmwC

I know it’s frustrating that he put all his savings into this business. But it could really work out and the money could seed. You have to see him through this while still doing your own thing and setting upon your own career path.

It’s a good thing that it’s a business and not say, a boat (my friend’s boyfriend is looking into one while she sits in the wings just wanting a ring). Comparitively, a video camera is not that bad.

 

Post # 4
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Creiddylad:   Question, does he know you wanted to be engaged before grad school? I feel like he put everything off in his mind until after you graduate, sometimes men don’t think things through like the time you need to plan a wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Could he possibly have some money saved up somewhere else that you don’t know about? At the begining of February, my bf asked me how I felt about renovating our bathroom. And by renovating, I mean tearing it down to studs and replacing everything but the toilet (the toilet is only 2 years old, so it got to stay). The first thought in my mind was “Um not if that means you won’t be able to buy me an e-ring soon or not if it means pushing back our engagement” Well about a month later, Boyfriend or Best Friend bought me a ring. A way more expensive ring that I anticipated. Turns out he had been saving up to do the bathroom AND had a separate savings for the ring…

Post # 7
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Creiddylad:  I would bring it up again. It isn’t about “what” you say, it’s about “how” you say it…a timeline was really important to keeping my sanity! You can be cutesy about it- don’t say it like you are giving him an ultimatum (ie: I want a timeline or else…don’t even say I want a timeline), I might say :sooooo you know how the other day we talked about getting married and stuff, like maybe after I graduate? wellll I wouldn’t mind getting engaged before then, i always imagined myself having a longer engagement to plan and stuff:

 

lol obviously make it feel natural for you, but in all honesty you will be more dissappointed holding it inside.

Post # 8
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@Creiddylad:  Have you considered getting an Amora Moissanite?

Like deathbydesign’s: 

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/pictures-and-a-video-of-my-tiffany-replica-setting-with-a-moissanite

I’m not sure you were looking for that kind of advice, but if you went with a gemstone you might be able to get engaged more quickly. 

I think you should be supportive towards him and ask him for an engagement timeline. If you two have decided you want to marry each other, then I see no reason why you can’t ask for a timeline. A timeline would allow you to stop worrying and stop nagging him. Make sure to explain to him why you want to get engaged before you go to graduate school and you may want to come up with reasons why you want a long engagement because he may not see a need to be engaged for as long as you want to be. 

Good luck!!! I hope you get what you want! 🙂

ETA: I just read you saying you don’t want to ask for a timeline. Men can’t read our minds you know. If you want something by a certain time, then you’re going to need to tell him and him giving you a timeline can give you peace of mind. I didn’t want my engagement to be a surprise (I wanted the day of to be a surprise, but I believe deciding to get engaged should be a mutual thing, not just saying we want to get married and then me waiting till whenever he felt like proposing). I don’t really see how it wouldn’t be romantic considering that if he gave you a timeline it wouldn’t need to be an exact date. I think you just have to decide whether having a surprise engagement or peace of mind is more important to you. 

Post # 9
Member
3402 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Well, true to form as my psychology major self, I am going to say that your lack of communication is apparent.

You seem to feel as though expressing any concern at all will reflect to him as being “a buzz kill” about his whole business venture. But I don’t think it has to come across this way at all.

I think it would be totally possible for you to just open up the dialoge with him about engagement and money a little more without being naggy, superficial, or any other unfavorable adjectives lol.

I would just say something along the lines of this:

“Honey, I am very excited about your new business venture, because you are such a smart and savvy person, and your potential is hard to deny. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the amount you had to spend as an intial investment scares me a little. I don’t want you to feel as though I am trying to control you, or putting a damper on your dreams, but I would really love if from now on we could both talk to each other seriously about what we are spending before we do so. I think it is smart that we have our money seperate until marriage, but because we have talked to marriage in the future, I think it would be wise to discuss our spending habits even though our accounts are seperate. I value your opinion on my purchases, and I hope that you value mine.”

Then maybe later you could start talking about engagement ring savings, or maybe even talk about splitting the cost..? My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I share accounts, however, because both of our money is being spend on my engagement ring, I don’t feel so bad about the cost..

Post # 10
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Creiddylad:  One thing I noticed is that you said you didn’t want to GIVE him a timeline.  I think it’s important to look at it in a different way: The two of you are talking and coming up with a timeline, together.  Not just one person saying “This is what I want”.  In the coversation you will of course explain what you have in mind, but also need to be open to hearing what he has to say. 

In the end you may have to compromise a bit, or you may find out that he had the same thing in mind all along.  I finally mustered up the courage to have the timeline talk with my SO, and turns our he had an even earlier date in mind than I did!  That was a shock for sure, but such a relife.  You won’t know until you start talking 🙂

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Not all men spend crazy amounts of money on their hobbies at the expense of other important things in their life. My husband doesn’t – please don’t lump all men in together.

You said you didn’t want to get married for two more years – in his mind, that means that he has up to a year and a half left to propose. I don’t think a “whine” is appropriate if you haven’t adequately expressed your wants and needs to him.

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Also, what you said about a timeline: “I’m a little afraid to bring it up because I think I may be disappointed”

You’re ALREADY disappointed. You have NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain.

Post # 13
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I am so with you. I am just on here as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I decided to “do the deed” as he calls it. I keep telling him the phrase is “tie the knot,” that doing the deed doesn’t mean what he thinks it means, but whatevs.

We came up with a timeline. he doesn’t want to announce our engagement until I actually have a ring. He developed his savings plan so we could pick out a setting for my granmother’s diamond. But I noticed that once he hit the $300 mark the money went out the window. And I have a HUGE savings account. I could pay for my own engagement ring AND wedding.

I just asked him if he really felt that way about me, because his behavior really didn’t indicate that he cared that much. I told him it hurt my feelings to ask me to look up setting for the family’s diamond and then to spend the money in the account allocated for that on something like games and beer.

Needless to say, he had no idea I felt that way, and didn’t really even realize what he did came off as belittling our plans.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Personally I think having an expensive ring shouldn’t be what holds you back. You don’t need an expensive ring, or any ring really, to be engaged. It doesn’t take a lot of money to get married, but yeah having a big wedding can get expensive.

I think you should say everything you just said here to him and see what he thinks.

Maybe your BFs business will do well and he will make back all the money and more.

Post # 15
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Creiddylad:  Wow our SOs are so similar! Soon after my SO and I had a more serious/decisive type engagement/marriage discussion, he put $3000 into a tanking stock market and ANOTHER $3000 into his friend’s business!!! Ahhh!! I could have strangled him!! PLUS he doesn’t want to buy any type of diamond alternative for me, so I am just waiting, waiting… sigh.

He also seems to frequently buy random shoes, clothing, camping, and other random gear/merchandise that he definitely does NOT need. He’s talking about a new TV (ours has random streaks of static or something every once in a while, but it’s seriously good enough) and a new car (his is 12 years old but seriously looks and runs like new!). My theory is this: He wants to get all of his “bachelor-type spending habits” out of the way now before he gets “tied down with a married-people-type-budget.” Ridiculous, really.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone! 🙂

@twistedlittlegirl:  LOL @ “do the deed” haha… Reminds me of the time when my boyfriend attempted the “How much does a polar bear weigh?” joke… (If you haven’t heard that joke, the answer is “enough to break the ice”)

SO “How does a polar bear break the ice?”

Me: Laughing(Dying laughing, rolling on the floor, seriously couldn’t even talk my stomach hurt so much from laughing)

Needless to say, my SO COMPLETELY botched the joke from the start! Haha guys are silly…

Post # 16
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Timelines are good to share!  You’re upset about an expectation that he wasn’t even aware he had to meet.  If you are scared about being dissapointed, then better know now rather than later I say.

 

Fiance and I discussed getting engaged.  He knew that i wanted a proposal and a ring that I picked out (I didn’t have either when I married 10 years ago), so that was important to me.  We had planned to get engaged the spring of 2011 for about 1.5 years prior to that.  I didn’t know how or which day or anything, just March 21-June 20 basically!  It happened May 28 after I finished graduate classes and after my birthday (May 24).

If you are not on the same page/timeline, it’s crucial to know this now, then reasses in 6 months, etc.

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