(Closed) He keeps contacting the girl he hooked up with!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

It would bother me too.

Why can’t you bring it up like, ” Hey Dear, While using your computer recently an e-mail popped up from [Scottish girl] & it’s really been eating at me. If she isn’t anything more than a friend, why haven’t you discussed her with me or vice versa?”

In all honesty though, I think your guys’ communication is still lacking & it’s obviously severely affecting other aspects of the relationship (trust) as well. Nip this in the bud now or cut your losses!

Post # 18
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
emeraldine:  is it possible she saw it on facebook or something? I assume he mentioned the move on there (or at least the usual ughh moving sucks! type post)

I think that you have enough “smoke” to ask some questions about whats going on but I would be careful to not make this too much of a witch hunt since right now your evidence is actually all pointing towards this being a just friends keeping in touch

maybe he got a odd call and was thinking it might have been her? just cause he googled scotland area code doesn’t mean that they are having some big sexting relationship behind your back (though it could be too… its just really inconclusive with the evidence you have)

how are things otherwise? is he loving? close? communicating? have things changed? do you have other reasons to suspect that he has something going on?

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  .
Post # 19
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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emeraldine:  This wouldn’t bother me and I don’t think it’s highly inappropriate.  Some people are cool being friends with exes.  I’m friends with exes and I don’t ever feel the need to tell my husband every time I talk to them – how exhausting and intrusive!  It might be a little strange that he never mentioned you in the few emails he sent, but if they are also chatting via other social media, he may have already mentioned you and therefore doesn’t think it necessary to reference you in every communication.  It could be deliberate, or it could be just a poor choice of words.  Since the emails are friendly and not flirty, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

However, having said all of that, some people are not cool with being friends with exes and that’s ok too.  But you have to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.  So if he doesn’t know you prefer that neither of you stay friends with exes (of any sort) then you cannot get angry with him for keeping in contact with this woman.  What you need to do is confess to snooping (and he will probably, and understandbly, get angry with you) and then have a talk about trust and boundaries.  Hopefully you are able to come to an agreement.

Post # 21
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Why didn’t you ask him about it the first time her name popped up on his computer? Seems like something you’d be able to ask your boyfriend.. 

Post # 22
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I would not be ok with it. I agree with OP that to keep in contact exes is disrespectful for your current SO. Even though some people could keep the relationship with exes in a strictly friendly manner,  the is still the risk of emotional cheating, so why put yourself in that situation. I also agree that when two people get married, each person s friends become both people s mutual friends so there shouldn’t  be any friend that the SO doesn’t  know about. If he cares about this girl as a friend then he should also care to let you know about her. 

I believe for a relationship to work out, there shouldn’t be anything to hide from the other person. I agree with the others that talking to him is your best bet. If he rejects what you have to say, ask him to be in your shoes and how would he feel. I’ve had similar conversations with my SO and he was completely understanding. Hope yours will too.

Post # 23
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
emeraldine:  I think you 100% have reason to be upset. Yea, it wasn’t an affair. THAT’S NOT THE POINT HERE. The point is he hooked up with this chic and he still talks to her without ever mentioning you- that’s what’s so weird!! I think you would feel much different about it if he mentioned you in that Italy trip, but he’s talking to her about his life as if he is single. WTF. Not okay. 

I wouldn’t attack him when he gets home about it but I would calmy tell him what you told us and how it makes you feel. You should just read what you wrote in your post to him. 

Post # 24
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to say that just because he doesn’t mention you doesn’t make his behaviour suspicious in and of itself. I rarely if ever mention my Fiance when I talk to my ex, for three reasons. First, he’s single and I know from mutual friends that he’s having trouble meeting someone he likes, so I feel like it’s insensitive to bring up my wonderful relationship. Two, I don’t want him to think that I’m not interested in getting back together just because I’m taken – the fact is that I wouldn’t be interested in getting back together regardless of my relationship status. Three, we just don’t talk about very personal stuff. We’re not really friends; we just catch up once in a while. Sounds like that’s what your SO is doing too.

Just talk to him, calmly and rationally. If it really bothers you, maybe he’ll stop, or maybe you can just have an ‘open book’ rule – like that you are allowed to read their correspondences. I gave that option to my Fiance but I don’t think he ever looked (he uses my laptop sometimes) because I know he trusts me and doesn’t care about who I talk to.

Post # 25
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
emeraldine:  You called it an affair, which it clearly wasn’t if you were broken up, which is why people are stating it wasn’t an affair. Second, if it’s just friendly emails and he’s obviously not hiding it from you, then maybe he’s just being friendly with her. I know it’s hard to believe, but some people are can end their relationships/flings on good terms and realize they are better friends than lovers. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to talk to him about it, but don’t be surprised when he gets mad that you are coming at him sideways for snooping through his email.

Post # 26
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
emeraldine:  I don’t know where these weddingbee people come from, but I don’t know and have never known any women who was okay with her SO keeping in touch with a fling.

You demand (quite rightly) loyalty and honesty.  Your boyfriend isn’t giving you that.  He won’t change.  All you can do is accept him as his is or walk away.  My advice is to walk away and find a guy who doesn’t need to keep in touch with womrn he f—-ed.

Post # 27
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
emeraldine:  the issue here is the secrecy. If she was a genuine “friend” you would know they were in touch. And likewise you would be mentioned in his mails to her.

i will say I did this before to my Darling Husband. I was with a guy for about 2 years and he got back in touch when I had just started seeing Darling Husband. I did tell Darling Husband though that we kept in contact every few months or so. It was nothing flirty just checking in to see how each other was. My ex knew about Darling Husband, I regularly mentioned him. Darling Husband didn’t like the contact he never said don’t do this but I know it played on his mind. Eventually when my ex contacted me I was just like what’s the point we don’t live near each other, he’s not a friend per se I would meet up with and I don’t want Darling Husband to have a shadow of a doubt about our relationship, so I just stopped responding.

If you have a calm discussion with your SO and explain what you know and this hurts you and undermines your relationship then he should stop contact. If those e mails every few months bother you then he shouldn’t want to jeopardise your relationship over that, for a girl he will never see again. also I don’t really believe the whole friends with exes thing either!

Post # 28
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Accoring to wikipedia an affair is a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people, so yes it was an affair, especially cause it was for a short period of time. However most people think cheating when they hear affair. But thats beside the point.

I have a problem with past sexual partners. But he’s an adult who choose who his friends are. That said he has to be honest about it, otherwise you get these kind of situation.
I think you need to talk and yes, he might be mad cause you were snooping. I think you should handle it like littlemisshostess said. I believe that if you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. So why didn’t he tell you..

Post # 29
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

I just want to chime in and support OP in the use of the word ‘affair’ – I believe it can still be used in the absence of cheating, even though that’s its most common use. ONE definition is “a sexual relationship… between two people”.

Agreeing with PPs that you have a right to express your concerns, but do so CALMLY.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  flossy.lou.
Post # 30
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If it upsets you this much, why don’t you ask him to stop contacting her?

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