(Closed) He keeps minimizing me, Help!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

holy shit.

 this was troubling BEFORE I read he “forced” you off your meds.

Who are you dating? Tom Cruise?? You need your meds, your BF is a piece of shit. He is completely belittling you and treating you like a child, not an equal partner.

Post # 4
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Long2bRight:  I had to go back and re read the first part…that, you’re already married to him. I was going to say, WALK. Life is too damned short to be weighted and ground down by a condescending, manipulative, controlling jackass. Which is exactly what youve described.

Next time he starts in on you, remind him of why he hates his mother so much and why you do too. then tell him he acts and sounds just like her, and that you feel about like he does towards him, when he treats you this way. Then ask kindly, am I to believe you love me enough to consider my feelings and change this behavior towards me, or, am I to believe that IF I stay married to you, you’ll continue to abuse me this way?????

Post # 5
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What do you mean he won’t let you have meds? Does he entirely support you or do you work too? Either way you should have the medication you need, but if you work then you should just go get it yourself. What would he do?? Heck even if you don’t work you should go get it yourself (assuming you have a joint account). Thats kind of scary that he has to allow you medication.

In regard to everything else. Was he like this before or it just started suddenly? Its really sad that if you tell your DH something embarassing you have to fear that he is going to go and tell someone. Have you ever aggressively confronted him or do you just shy away when he says these things to you? He doesn’t sound like the type that would be open to any type of counseling and he sounds like he just brushes all of your concerns off. Have you told him how it makes you feel and that he sounds like his mother?

Post # 6
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Long2bRight:  This is, without being dramatic or exaggerating at all, nothing short of emotional abuse. His mother emotionally abused him and now he is doing it to you. 

I’m just going to assume he won’t agree to counseling, so I’ll tell you what I did with my mom, who sometimes treated me the way her abusive mom treated her. 

Write down (or, if you can, record) what he says to you. In detail. Word for word. Write the time and date. After a week, show him all the words he’s said to you and how often. Tell him it sounds remarkably like the things he says his mom did to him. Tell him that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way and neither do you. 

If he is unwilling to change his behavior and seek help, you are going to have some very hard decisions to make. This will not change unless he sees that there is a major problem and seeks help to change it. If he thinks it’s just ok to treat  you this way, nothing will make it stop. You deserve better than this. 

Post # 7
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

OP, I think you realize he is being very abusive. He controls you and makes your depressions and anxiety worse, he makes you feel stupid (I would NEVER put up with someone calling me “dumb”), you’ve taken the time to think that your friends/family wouldn’t believe the abuse he puts you through because of his fake portrayal in public. Does your counselor Know how abusive he is? What do they suggest?

Post # 8
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Don’t blame his mother no matter how bad he is…that is HIS issue.

Have you read back through what you have written?

A man that loves a woman does not belittle her and make her feel like nothing. He does not force her off medications that she needs or call her dumb or embarass her or any other number of things.

He also does not need to go around saying how great he is while tearing her down to make himself feel better.


Post # 9
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Long2bRight:  I know exactly how you feel. I even posted something similar a month ago. Everyone jumped to conclusions of breaking up. But that isn’t something I want to do because he doesn’t belittle me all the time. And I felt really bad that I had people telling me to do that, when really the post was a vent and more so about my mental health.

With that being said, I refuse to tell you to leave, UNLESS that is something you want to do. My Fiance doesn’t belittle me and encourages me to get help. Which is a bit different from your situation. My advice to you, get the help you need. And tell him that you are doing this for yourself and your own body, mind and soul. If he continues to belittle you and not stand by your side, write him a letter and take a few hours to yourself to find out what you want. I am pretty agnostic. But the day after I posted my vent, I went and spent a couple hours alone at the river and prayed. It helped me see what I wanted and how I felt. I even felt as though he had even answered my prayers that day. That he gave me the sign I was looking for.

I wish I could help more. I am sorry you are in this spot. Please think of yourself and get the help you need. 🙂 hope you feel better.  

Post # 10
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Long2bRight:  take care of your health the way you see fit. WHAT THE EFF does he think he’s doing ‘forcing’ you off meds? that is unhealthy and unsafe. when he get a phd in medicine or pharmacology, he can have a vote – not a final decision, a vote. and somehow i doubt he has that. 


you should not have to live like this. i think it’s time to write down what you’ve told us here, that his ‘help’ is not helpful at all, and that you feel minimized, ignored and overshadowed by him constantly and that you need his attention, support and interest. 

in the letter, i’d lay out expectations for how you’re going to work on your marriage: ie at least 2 counselling sessions per month, YOU will be in control of your meds in concert with your doctor with no backseat doctoring from him, etc. and then explain what will happen if he’s not willing to work on the marriage. not in a ‘shape up or else’ way, but in a ‘i am not happy in our marriage, nor am i in a good mental state due to x, y and z. i’m very afraid that if we don’t work together to solve these problems, and reach out for the help we need, our marriage will fail. since our marriage is extremely important to me, i’m asking you to support me in getting help, and to admit that there are areas we can both work on; and commit to working on them’


i think letters allow someone to read through everything you’re saying without intertupting you, they allow that person to read it more than once, and they allow that person to think carefully about what they are going to say in response without them feeling like ‘quick, i’d better come up with a snappy remark’. i would give him the letter and spend the night somewhere else to give him time to think. 

above all – mental health is no joke. he is forcing you off meds that professionals think you need. that is not okay. you need to take care of yourself, and he needs to support you in doing that, period. if he doesn’t understand why you should take them/what they do/what your long term treatment plan looks like, invite him to a doctor’s appointment where that can be explained to him. 

Post # 11
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree with everyone else. Forcing you off your meds is NOT ok. This is definitely emotionally abusive, and you don’t deserve that!

Post # 12
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Have you tried minimising him sometime?  Act as he does; maybe he will see how it feels. 

Post # 13
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This is not healthy, and a lot of this borders on emotional abuse.  He has no right to force you to take or not take your medicine for issues that are as serious as depression and anxiety.  That is NOT ok.

You’ve been able to get him to counseling before, and that’s great.  See if you can get him to go to a couples session, and tell him exactly how you feel- everything you told us.  Don’t yell or blame, or tell him bluntly that he sounds like his mother.  That could just make him defensive.  But do try and describe his behavior and help him see the parallels…

I really hope this works out for you OP.  

Post # 14
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This sounds like you married my x-husband.

please seek counseling, get back on yours meds and take care of YOU however that may be.

Post # 15
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

OP, I know all these responses might be a little overwhelming, I think you really were brave to come on here and get the opinions of people outside of your relationship. Please think about this: If you’re not willing to stand up for yourself- what will happen if you have children with this man and he treats them the same way? What if you have diabetes, will he not let you take insulin and tell you to tough it out?

Post # 16
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Long2bRight:  What a control freak.  Forced you off your meds?? 

It counds like to me that he makes himself feel better by putting you down.  I realize that you love him, but to me it doesn’t sound like he loves you.  A mon who loves a woman does not belittle her and put her down all the time.  Nor does he make her stop taking meds that are benefical to her.  I don’t care what kind of meds, those are meds that help you to feel better!!  You need to find a way to get back on your meds.  Even if you do this without his knowledge.

I will not tell you to leave but I agree with PP this is emotional abuse.  He has a problem and he needs to address this or it will not stop.  I am sorry that he is treating you like this.  You absolutely do not deserve this.

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