(Closed) He keeps moving the goal posts!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like he’s just trying to get himself sorted to me financially! A house purchase is a big deal, whether or not half a mortgage is paid off – thats still a lot of money gone. He is probably feeling the squeeze at the moment, thats all, but still may be saving up for a ring behind the scenes.

Me and Fiance bought our house a year and half before he proposed. He wanted to make sure we were settled in and paying the bills ok, and just do things right I guess. Believe me, when it happens you will think all that waiting was worth it, just give him the benefit of the doubt (I’m sure he’s working on it for you)

πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is pretty normal behavior for some blokes. Most want to get what is importnat to them out of the way first. Not that wedding’s aren’t importnant, but most see weddings as a luxury at the end of all the hard work.

It doesn’t mean he won’t ever marry you, it means that when he does you’ll probably be in a good, stable position with a nice house and a decent amount of money to spend on the day.

It’s worth the wait. πŸ™‚

I do understand the frustration though. My best friend is going through this right now! For 3 years her man has been ‘moving the goal posts’ and she’s been more than frustrated at times, especially when she thought he was going to propose and then didn’t…

 

 

Post # 6
Member
16 posts
Newbee

My SO is a little like this. We had a serious discussion about “moving the goal posts” not long ago. He described it as waiting to “be ready” or waiting for “the right time”. Maybe your partner is similar – he thought he would feel financially and emotionally ready after he bought a house, but then felt the pressure of a mortgage, so thought he would feel ready to become engaged once more of it was paid of, etc. we put a lot of pressure on men to give us tangible time frames and reasons to support those time frames. Sometimes they just pull numbers out of the air and hope like hell their life will be in the right place when that time comes! That’s what my SO describes – he can’t put in words when is the right time for us to become engaged,just that it will happen, and when it does the timing will be right. So frustrating!!!! The hardest thing is that he gets to decide what is perfect timing – what about perfect timing for me!

And you are not a cow – just someone trying to be patient against some pretty stacked odds. Is financial security really important to him?

Post # 9
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Sounds like he just may not want to get married in the near/foreseeable future. I could be wrong, but that’s the way I might interpret it. If he wanted to put a ring on your finger, he would do it, come what may. UNLESS of course you have intimated that you want something specific that is way out of his price range.

Post # 11
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t reply very often because I can rarely express myself in 500 or less words.  But I’ll try.

What kind of conversations have you had with him where you state what your needs are?  You seem to be letting him call all the shots with very little input or challenging on your part.  If he wants to buy a house, fine.  If he wants to pay it off, cool.  But after a while…it starts to feel like he’s picking anything and everything over you…am I right?  Even though he keeps saying it’s all for you so that you can have a comfortable married life, you seem to always come out at the bottom of his list of priorities and you’re never getting any closer to being his top priority.  Something like that, maybe?   

I think you should just sit him down and let him know that it really feels like you’re never going to get engaged/married and it really bothers you.  You don’t want to wait forever and you’re not cool with being strung along.  I mean, I’m sure he would come through eventually…but it’s not fair to you if it’s not a length of time that you BOTH agreed on.  

I hate broken timeilne promises when it comes to engagement and I don’t think men realize how heartbroken we get over them.  It’s not like a package coming in the mail a couple days late and it’s NBD.  It’s really…disheartening and, for me personally, one of the strongest feelings of disappointment I’ve ever felt in my (short) life.  But men don’t really mean to hurt us that way, and I think if you told him how truly bummed you are over it, he might realize that it’s come down to the wire and he’s got to do something before you become resentful.  If you haven’t already.  

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like he is stalling.

Yes buying a house is a HUGE deal, and it does take a financial toll, but if he’s he’s paid off half of it, then he is in a really good financial position. A lot of people take years and years (like 10-15) to pay off half of their loan.

Here’s what it sounds like to me –

– First goalpost. Something so big and impossible he may not achieve it for a fair while. Gives him plenty of time to “get ready” for marriage. But then he achieves this goal and is still not ready, so we move onto the next goalpost.

– Second goalpaost. Gets the house and still doesn’t feel like marriage. Ok, ask for some time to pay off more of the mortgage, this could be an indefinite excuse as he can always say “just a bit more”. But then he pays off half and suddenly this excues isn’t quite so reasonable. So we move the goalposts again.

– Goalpost three. Ask for two years. Hopefully he’ll be ready within that time. But then when he’s still not ready he asks to move the goalposts again.

– Goalpost four. He wants to save some money. I just got a major case of Deja Vu. Isn’t this similar to Goalpost Two? It will be an indefinite goalpost if you don’t speak up.

You need to talk directly to him. Moving the goal posts four times is basically screwing you around. You deserve the respect of a man sticking to his words.

So many women try to make excuses for their man and try to rationalise their mans actions, but honestly actions SCREAM intention. He has every intention of continuing to string you along for so long as you let him.

My advice? Set a firm deadline. Tell him you have allowed this to go on for far to long and it stops here. Give him a reasonable date to purchase a ring and to propose within in (6 months is probably the maximum I would give after such a long time). If he doesn’t propose, walk, you deserve better.

Post # 15
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@Scottish_lassie:  You’re a better (and more patient) woman than me. Id have told him 2 MORE years isnt going to happen. Im with beccybaby on the 6 months; I would bet he has the money for a ring so all he has to do it get it and plan the proposal. If you 2 wait 1.5 years to get married that his 2 years!! πŸ™‚

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