He left me

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I don’t at all believe that you deserved this, no matter what some of the puritanically-villianizing-people here might say; some want to see women wear the scarlet A on their dresses, from what I can tell.

I don’t think that what you did was cheating, and I don’t think that you don’t love your fiance [given what you’ve very minimally described]. But I have absolutely no idea what you should do now other than wait, I guess. If your fiance is unwilling or unable to have a thoughtful and reflective discussion about why you chose to have such an interaction with Tim, then he doesn’t seem to be a terrifically nuanced person who, dare I say it, values you, your perspective, your experience, your feelings. At least, he’s not in the position to do so right NOW. 

I’m not going to fall back on the typical “Well, then, he’s not good enough for you!” bullshit–that doesn’t suggest nuance either. I believe that both you AND your fiance have a complex perspective of this event, and I don’t wish to reduce either of those perspectives. I will say that, whatever the outcome of your current engagement, you will want to be more honest WITH YOURSELF in the future. If you’re feeling dissatisfied in a relationship, let yourself know; take steps to change it. The first person you should talk to YOU, a person we often talk to at the very end. 

Post # 32
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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DeniseSecunda :  you talk about nuances and then try to compare women facing domestic violence (not battered women) and someone who willfully sexted someone else whilst in a committed relationship. 

I will be waiting for you to pop up on all the threads on here from bees whose partners are being shady with your we literally know nothing mantra. Maybe you can reach at straws and say that their partners were actually being abused too.

I stand by what I said. If OP loved and respected her partner then this would never have happened. Cheating is widely recognised as a form of abuse but go on keep defending the person that treated the person that they supposedly loved so badly.

Post # 33
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

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DeniseSecunda : OP felt that she clicked with this other guy and then explored more of it. That’s not typically something you should do if you’re already in an exclusive relationship.

If my fiancé were sexting some other girl . . . what the fuck. I know he wouldn’t want me sexting someone else, and why? Because it’s being sexual with someone who isn’t my fiancé. So, unless expectations were discussed and then reneged, I don’t see how this is being a loyal partner.

OP was right to confess, but along with honesty comes the responsibillity to deal with the possible consequences.

Post # 34
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

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j_jaye :  imo its possible to love someone and act selfishly or make mistakes. doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy or should continue, but to tell the OP how she feels is presumptuous and honestly quite surprising.

Post # 35
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

Ultimately this is something that your partner needs to work on alone. He has to work out if he can come to terms with what has happened or not. There’s a chance he may reach out in the future when he’s calmed down, there’s also a chance he may never get over this. It’s his perogative. Right now you need to give him what he wants, which is space. This is all very raw and he is hurting, understandably. 

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve had personal experience with this situation being on the same end as your partner. I did eventually forgive but it wasn’t easy for either of us, my SO went to counseling and it took me over a year to fully trust him again. If your SO does decide to work on it, be prepared for hard work. You will have to be completely transparent in order to build up trust again. This won’t be forgotten over night. 

Post # 36
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

Hey, maybe he will change his mind. Hopefully he doesn’t screw someone in the interim trying to get back at you. What exactly did you think was going to happen when you did all this? You had several opportunities to course correct and CHOSE not to. 

Post # 37
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

You made a lot of mistakes here, OP. That doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you don’t love your SO, but obviously there are things missing in the relationship which made you stray (because yes, I believe sexting IS cheating.)

You need to let your SO figure out what he wants to do. This is no longer up to you and the best thing you can do is give him space.

Post # 38
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

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DeniseSecunda :  I don’t know if you saw OPs previous post but she essentially cheated on the guy. She became friends with another guy and then it became more when they started texting inappropriate and sexual things to each other. OP told her fiance and he left. I really don’t think fiance can be blamed for this one at all.

And I guarantee the threads where women post about their husband sexting others, the advice is always to leave. It should be no different here. 

Post # 40
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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throwawayaccount001 :  That is great, but you need to do some real no-contact with this other guy. Maybe even delete your social media for awhile so you can prove to your SO that this won’t happen again. Couples counseling would be a great step too. So you both can work through this without resentment. For sure make certain this other guy is 100% blocked on everything. 

Post # 41
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee

Good news on that update.

You need to put the work in now so that he is able to trust you in the future.  That’s not going to be easy since you betrayed him.  But, he love you and wants you back.  Now you have to be worthy of that love and trust.

Post # 42
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

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throwawayaccount001 :  I’m so glad to hear! I agree with PPs that couple’s counseling might be good. As someone who has been on the other end of a similar situation, I can tell you that I forgave and wanted so badly to make things work, but our relationship was never the same again. I just couldn’t figure out how to trust him, even though I wanted to. Our situation was a bit different, but I think the difficulty of moving past such things is common in these situations, and can really be helped by counseling.

Post # 43
Member
848 posts
Busy bee

OP, I’m happy to read your update. We are all human and make mistakes, some a bit more damaging than others. You recognized yours, which is more than a lot of people do. Good luck and I hope things go well from here on. 

To some of the other posters, you clearly have had faultless lives and relationships. Congratulations on being near perfect people. Now if only you could work on your empathy. 

 

Post # 44
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper

That’s good news. Take steps so that you never find yourself in this position again. It’s all about choices. If you’re attracted to someone, make sure you are never alone with him. And by alone I mean in a private conversation as well. 

Post # 45
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am happy that you are going to try to reconcile. Take it slow and be mindful that some days may be really good and others may be bad as he is trying to get over it. Obviously, don’t take any verbal abuse from him, but understand that some days he may be a little more snappy than others and may not feel as forgiving as he did originally. It’s all part of the healing process. Good luck 

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