So sorry, bee. I, too, am going through a broken engagement.
My ex said something similar – he said a lot of things.
I spent about a week like you are, bargaining, listing all the things I could have done better – could have been better –
but the truth is, this is 100% him, not you.
Yes, it’s great to learn and take responsibility for the stuff we can work on,
but marriage is for LIFE. And life comes with some really hard times as well as good ones.
You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells so someone will stay.
It takes two people to work on something. And if he’s a person who leaves rather than communicates, if he can do this to you, bee, he’s not made of the kind of stuff that will stick with you through it all. Through death and grieving and change and aging –
He’s not a keeper.
Take care of yourself. Find things you love to do. Find ways to love your own life.
If someone CHOOSES to have all his future days without you, he deserves exactly that. He deserves to be deprived of all your future glorious days. Make them really good ones.
So here’s my own healing plan, in case any of it can help you:
1) I meditate at least 10 minutes a day. This strengthens the “letting go” muscle, as meditation helps our minds learn to quickly release thought patterns (and recognize that we’re spiraling into a thought-story.) the key is to release gently. No beating up of self, or saying “I’m doing this wrong” it is just practice.
If you’ve never done this or want to learn, maybe try an app like headspace.
If im over-explaining something you already know, skip this bit. 😉
2) I make myself go to the gym. I’ve actually given myself two days off from this since he came over and we gave back our stuff. But you know what you need.
My therapist once said “when you LEAST want to do it, sometimes that’s when you need it most,” so I get out for a walk at least – move your body every day. Sweat seems to release far more than tears, for me –
3) I make myself do new things. Completely new. At least two a week. Find meetup groups or events near you, and just go. If you feel awful, you can always leave- but you never know what you’ll discover, or who you’ll meet. Through doing this, I even have a new little job that excites me.
4) eat healthy food. Practice radical self care.
5) never underestimate the “revenge dress” – feeling like you look amazing is a good boost 🙂
that’s all I can think of right now! Oh, and therapy, if you can. My therapist knows my ex and sees him on a regular basis, and yet somehow he’s still been able to help me – and in fact has brought his own perspective to it.
The truth is, sometimes people just need to go. We can’t control it or know why- sometimes they don’t even know. We just have to release them, and love our OWN lives.
Good luck, bee- be kind to yourself. No more punishing. You did the best you could with what you had at the time – and someday you may be grateful for this… we can’t see what’s up ahead.