(Closed) He left me – no idea what to do

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry your going through this! What a jerk! have you tried contacting him. There are a bunch of ways to seek legal advice. Good free legal services in your area so you can at least know what your rights are.

In the mean time, maybe go stay with someone in case he comes back angry. 

Sending you lots of hugs and I’m praying for you!

 

Post # 4
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@starrynight:  Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. 🙁  How far did away from your family and friends are you now living?  Do you have any type of support system where you live now (friends from church, a social group/club, work, the gym?) who may be able to provide you with at least some emotional support right now?

Post # 5
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I just looked back over your last few posts and this seems like a crazy dysfunstional pattern. One of you needs to be the adult and either demand going to see someone or calling it quits. 

I think alot of bees have given you advice and it’s time you start listening… this enviroment is not safe or fair to you or your Darling Husband. Its obvious you are both miserable. 

It might be time to make some changes honey… asap.

Post # 6
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

@starrynight:  Ugh. I’m so sorry. Even though he hasn’t touched you, you never know. Domestic help centers are usually able to provide you with the right contacts and help — even people to call for free legal advice. Like the other posters said, is there family or friends you can stay with in the mean time? Is the house under both names?

Post # 7
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh wow. 🙁 

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Wow, I’m so sorry.

I think if he really believed the issues in your marriage are your fault, he would want to go counseling for validation of what a lazy b you are. Since he refuses, I suspect it’s because he knows he’d end up being called out for his bad behavior. People who acknowledge the problems and want things to improve agree to (or ask for) therapy. People who are in denial say no.

I wonder what would happen if you left, and he came home to an empty house? Do you think he is expecting to come home to a repentant, apologetic wife who is grateful he came home?

Post # 9
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MrsStrawberry24:  Exactly what she said

“I think alot of bees have given you advice and it’s time you start listening… this enviroment is not safe or fair to you or your Darling Husband. Its obvious you are both miserable.”

Post # 11
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh, my God.  I’ve been there.  I was there a few years ago, with my now ex husband.  It is scary, and it is awful.  I am so sorry it is happening to you right now, no-one deserves this kind of behaviour from anyone, let alone from the person they married.  But if he is throwing things at you, counselling probably won’t cut it. Please, please think of your own safety.  But here’s my advice as someone who has gone through this, with no money, no resources, no assets, nothing:

The first thing you do is you call someone near you who is your emotional support, and you get them to stay with you, or you go somewhere else.  Don’t just stay put alone, if he comes back and it escalates, it could be bad.  My ex went from throwing things to nearly breaking my skull on a metal door.  So make sure you have people who know what’s going on and know that you might need help.

Make sure, make absolutely sure that you have money in your name that he cannot touch.  Not just credit cards, but cash and a checking account of your own.  If that means taking out cash from an ATM right now until you can open your own account on Monday, do it.  But do not leave yourself without resources.

If you have a law clinic near you, they might be able to refer you to a low-cost divorce attorney.  Also, women’s shelters or women’s organizations might also be able to help.  I found a divorce attorney who did my divorce for next to nothing — I was working on my Master’s degree at the time, I was a full-time student, and my ex cleaned me out of every cent I had.  You need a lawyer, and you need one badly.  You can find one that won’t take you to the cleaners.  Don’t be afraid to get in contact with charities and groups made to help women.  Someone will help you.  But get the ball rolling soon.

The other important thing, the thing to do while he is gone, is take inventory of what you own, what you brought with you and what he brought with him, what you bought together, and document it.  The things you brought with you to your marriage and the things you bought together are your assets.  Be aware of them, take stock of them, from dishes to appliances to your car and computer.  I know this all sounds mercenary.  But do it now, and that way, if he comes back and things escalate, you have all that information.  Also make sure you have all your paperwork — birth certificate, driver’s license, copy of the marriage license, etc — somewhere that you can access, just in case.

This is the moment to take care of yourself.  You can do it.  You have behaved like an adult, and he’s pitched a fit worthy of an over-grown toddler, and that might be insulting toddlers everywhere.  You just have to keep being the adult, protect your assets, and reach out to your network.  Reach out to your friends, and keep reaching until someone can help you.  You will make it.  I was 27 and stupid when my marriage collapsed.  I was ruined financially by his gambling and compulsive spending.  But I’ve recovered.  I’ve got a life of my own, I’m starting a PhD this fall, I have a wonderful partner who wants to marry me.  You can also get through this.  Be strong.  It will be okay.  Not right away, not for a while, but it will be.  If I can do it, anyone can.

Post # 12
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

no idea what to do???? ummmmm find a man that doiesnt treat you like that! Thats what you do!

Post # 13
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@starrynight:  This is your third “it’s over” type post in the last two months.  Are you sure that it is over or are y’all stuck in a cycle of drama because you are not resolving the issues?

Post # 15
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@starrynight:  I’m going to send you a PM.

Post # 16
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@starrynight:  oh my goodness!!!  No you aren’t!  That totally didn’t get received the way I was intending it.  I am meaning, because this happens repeatedly, is it possible that neither of you really want or are ready to end the marriage?  Is it possible that you keep having these fights because you both want it but there are underlying issues that you both don’t want to deal with directly or don’t know how to vocalize.  I am not trying to make you feel worse, please understand that.

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