(Closed) He left me – no idea what to do

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Of course he says nice things to you after sex… He’s been getting away with treating you like dirt and then getting laid. Please, please for the love of God, do not base his feelings for you on what he says to you in an oxytocin induced happy moment after sex. This is classic, textbook abuse, not to mention he’s already told you he wants a divorce and has left you. Time to start planning for the divorce. You can get through this, you deserve better, it’s just a matter of getting through this really hard time and starting the beginning of the rest of your life. So sorry youre going thru this. Find your strength, it’s there somewhere!!!

Post # 33
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@starrynight:  Why do you want the thread to close??? You asked for advise and when you are in a dysfunctional relationship the truth hurts and it makes you angry.

PLEASE TAKE SOME TIME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT WE ALL SAID..IT WAS NOT SAID IN ANGER IT WAS SAID OUT OF CONCERN, BECAUSE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

TAKE CARE 

Post # 34
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@starrynight:  I think you have gotten the support and advice you need but you just dont realize it yet.

Post # 35
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

No one is calling you stupid, But you need to leave this man and leave him now! I know this is harsh, but are you waiting for him to hit you? You ARE in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remove yourself from this relationship. I can not stress this enough, you are not a horrible wife because you do not cook or get laundry done. You are not lazy. You ARE a beautiful human being that DOES NOT deserve this emotional abuse.

Post # 37
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@sheepandbear:  this. I don’t know how you can say divorce isn’t an option when someone calls you a “fucking bitch whore” and walks out. That pretty much says everything.

It makes me sad and angry to see women whose self-esteem has been so thoroughly destroyed that they think that all they deserve from a spouse is to be treated like shit. 

Post # 38
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@starrynight:  And it crushes me that people care more about kids who don’t exist than me.

Quite honestly you don’t seem to care about yourself very much right now, allowing yourself to be treated like this and not being seemingly willing to change it. So of course we want to make sure that you aren’t going to bring innocent children into a situation for which they have no choice. 

Post # 39
Member
15291 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@starrynight:   I know he’s abusive ….He’s ruined my life.

And yet you want to stay with him and not leave? 
I dont understand.

Post # 40
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@sheepandbear:  sadly, this.

 

so many posts of support and concern and hope and strength, and the OP is focusing on the 2 or 3 posts that mentioned kids. This makes me so so sad.

Post # 41
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@starrynight:  Your life is FAR from over or being ruined. You HAVE the ability to CHANGE EVERYTHING right now. All you need to do is take control of what YOU want and know that he wont change. If you stay in this relationship, you will ALLOW your life to be ruined. OTHER people do not ruin your life, you have the option to allow them to.

You never explained why you are against divorce though….

Post # 42
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What are you resigning yourself to here?  You say divorce isn’t an option, but also that he won’t agree to get counseling, and he’s demonstrated that he won’t take responsibility for his own anger.  Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a marriage where you are guessing every day what’s going to make him angry, and apologizing for things you have no way of knowing are “things”, how is divorce a worse option than that?

 

If you really have no access to money of your own, then you should call a domestic abuse help line and ask them for help.  They have heard literally thousands of situations like this.  If you have access to joint accounts, and you can get to a bank by yourself, I’d also definitely open a bank account in your name only and put whatever money you can into it.  Frankly, if my spouse walked out and I didn’t hear from them in 24 hours, I would take as much as half of that joint account money and put it in my own.  You need to protect yourself and you have no idea if he’s off-kilter enough to start cutting you off from that money.  (But, I don’t know your relationship and if you feel this is unsafe to do, don’t do it.  But that would be just another sign that this is not a safe relationship to be in).

Post # 43
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@starrynight:  Sweetie, your life is not ruined. I was propsed to 5 times prior to me meeting my future Fiance. I wouldnt settle and my dear I am 48 and I rather be by myself and happy then to say I have a husband that treats me like shit.

I waited and he came into my life and is the biggest blessing God gave me. So if you can just hold on that special man will come into your life and sweep you off your feet. Treat you like the queen you are and love you if the house is dirty or clean. Laundry is done or not because he loves you.

BIG HUG

Post # 44
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hopefully he is gone. Call a real estate and get your house evaluated and on the market. Talk to your bank, explain the situation and that you are making a move to sell. Once you sell move back home, you can telecommute from anywhere in the country.

if he comes back sell anyway so you are not so tied to the situation, tell him you’ll be more comfortable to think about buying once he gets counselling for his anger issues. 

Post # 45
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@starrynight:  Are you able or willing to see a counselor yourself? I think the very best thing you can do is work on your self esteem. It’s so low right now that I’m really concerned for you. Please seek the help of a professional.

Post # 46
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I see in your updates that you do work from home – where is that money going?  Into your joint accounts?  Start putting some of that into your own account.

 

Your past threads all just sound so miserable.  You can be so much happier than this. You are not solely responsible for making him happy or keeping him not angry.  Adults control their own emotions.  

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