He lied about everything……

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

gialia98 :  I agree with the other bees. I would 1000% choose to terminate, as this situation is not conducive for raising a healthy, happy family. You’d just be opening yourself up to 18+ years more contact with this batshit crazy fool. Plus, he may even end up trying to fight you for custody. His wife? Well, she’ll just add on another layer of hell for you to go through, because she will resent both you *and* the illegitimate child that her husband conceived through infidelity. 

 

If it were me, I’d terminate while I still had time left. But what do you *want* to do? What is your heart telling you to do here, bee? 

 

Im so, so sorry you’re going through this. So sorry that you feel like you can’t even get support from those closest to you because you’re ashamed…that is truly heartbreaking 🙁

Post # 32
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Please note that your child will be the “other woman’s baby” and may be cut off from the emotional or financial support his other children receive from his side of the family.  I wouldn’t count on your child being able to develop a relationship with his/ her half-siblings, or that s/he will be invited to birthday parties, holidays or the like.

Only you know how much it would bother you, or how that might impact your decision making.

I’d terminate if I were in your shoes because an unstable, addict liar isn’t someone I’d knowingly allow to be a father to my child. He will either abandon this baby or fight to be a part of the child’s life. He won’t get sensible or clean bc his other children didn’t encourage that change. I’m not sure which outcome is worse.

If you choose to co-parent with that sleazeball, the drama will have a chilling effect on finding a stable partner in the future. (No, it won’t be impossible…. Just harder.). Walk in with your eyes open.

That’s too much for me, so I wouldn’t make the choice to continue the pregnancy. I’d also tell people the stress made me lose the baby. 

You are not to blame for this guy’s lies. Don’t kick yourself. I hope you are able to pick a solution that brings you peace.

 

 

Post # 33
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

PrincessPeach13 :  I think you were just the first to bite the bullet and say out loud what most of us were already thinking, tbh…

Post # 34
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

azf0019 :  sometimes, you just have to be THAT bee.

Also, I’ve been wanting to tell you that your photo is awesome!!! #spongebobforlife

Post # 35
Hostess
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

I’d terminate the pregnancy. Cut him out of your life forever and move past it.

Also, get on birth control.

Post # 36
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

PrincessPeach13 :  thanks…it’s the facial expression I find myself making most often in life. Like right now about the lying asshole this poor woman is having to deal with :/ 

Post # 37
Member
1923 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think differentiating between “you should have an abortion” and “I would have an abortion” is kind of splitting hairs.  OP asked for advice, and that is pretty standard advice for this very unfortunate situation.  This is a TERRIBLE situation in which to raise a kid.  This guy sounds like he is 100% completely married, his children with his wife will get legal priority in terms of child support which potentially reduces the amount you get, and he has also shown himself to be a complete nutcase.  Not to mention, when his wife finds out that there’s another woman with a baby on the way, she could go ape-shit on you too.  OP I’m so sorry!

If you do choose to have the child, start documenting EVERYTHING right now… every crazy thing he says, etc.  Don’t talk to him on the phone, only email or text so that everything is in writing.  You can make a pretty compelling case for sole custody and also make sure he’s on the hook for child support.  I would talk to a family lawyer for advice, if you do continue the pregnancy.

Post # 38
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

I would keep the baby and file for full custody and just stay the hell away from this guy.  Yeah the situation is awful but many children are raised by single mothers or raised by blended families in case OP gets married to someone else some day and are raised in a healthy/happy environment.

Post # 39
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

 

gialia98 :  I’m going to be honest and it’s a touchy subject so I hope no one gets offended cause it’s not meant to do that but, I got an abortion once….it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. The worst. It was traumatic. And I don’t feel better about it even years later. And I was in a similar thing except the guy I was with cheated on me and beat my ass. I didn’t want to have his baby but I almost wish I would have given the child up for adoption. Like others say it’s your choice but unless you were raped….it’s just hard to do. So be prepared if that’s your choice. 

 

Edit: adding, stay away from that guy. He’s a pathological liar and people like that can be extremely dangerous because you don’t know what they are capable of. Like PP said document everything, don’t answer calls or text messages. Start reading a little bit on family law if you cant afford a lawyer now that you’re possibly going to be a single mom, and start filling out the papers for full custody. 

Post # 40
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If the man has a drug addiction please consider that his sperm could have issues. People always assume the mother’s health habits are the only ones that affect the health of the child but depending on what kind of addiction he has your child could have developmental or physical disabilities. It’s really important that you verify the men you date by meeting and regularly interacting with their friends and family. A man can tell you anything if he keeps you isolated from people who have longer deeper relationships with him. The oldest one in the book is, “I’m separated but have ties to my wife for the kids.” If you never met the kids, never met the wife, never met his mom, siblings, etc then chances are your “separated” boyfriend is really just someone else’s full fledged husband. 

If you are going to keep this child then you should expect little or no support aside from what is court mandated. Make your decision on what to do next based on raising your child alone because the father you chose is a married, lying, drug addict. That’s not going to magically change. He could do more but everything you know about him is a lie. Be realistic about that. 

If you can’t do it alone, you need to be honest with yourself about that. 

If it was me, I would not keep the child. I want a good start for my child, that means picking the best father emotionally, financially, morally and spiritually for my child. A married, drug addicted, liar sounds as far from that as humanly possible. 

Post # 41
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee

[comment deleted for personal attack]

Post # 42
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

kristin36890 :  woah woah woah…how dare you come on here using that sort of extreme language about a completely personal choice. NOT what OP needs right now. Whether she decides to terminate or continue the pregnancy, don’t make this an argument based on your *personal* beliefs. That isn’t what this thread is about, ma’am. Especially when this will be such an emotional decision on the OP’s behalf.

Post # 43
Member
1923 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

kristin36890 :  Dude get outta here with “kill the baby” talk.  That is completely uncalled for, not to mention scientifically and morally inaccurate.  How dare you.

Post # 44
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

tiffanybruiser :  I liked your post very thoughtful/helpful. I thought the previous posts were inappropriate as well. 

Post # 45
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

kristin36890 :  

OP should exercise control over her reproductive, legal and financial future based on a realistic understanding of the situation she and her future child will be in if she continues the pregnancy.

 (For example, not filing for full custody bc she doesn’t want to keep kids apart.  Or choosing to continue the pregnancy assuming there will be an extended family to assist.)

Nice try, though.

 

 

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