He Lied I Need Advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

I won’t say it is normal to lie, but I can understand why he wouldn’t want to tell you they were in a relationship because he didn’t want to hurt you. What I don’t understand/like is that he said “I dont like the way you asked me”. That doesn’t sound right.

I think that you should talk to him and make it clear that you are hurt because he lied to you , especially after he has lied in the past.

Personally, I look at it this way … if he is lying about this … what else could he be lying about?

If you don’t trust him, I think you should take a step away from this relationship and really think about the long term. Will you always have doubts? Will this make our relationship harder? Is this a healthy relationship?

 

Post # 4
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I am sooooo sorry that you have to go through this. To me honesty in a relationship is HUGE. I would be really upset if my Husband (or back then FI) lied to me about previous relationships. Everyone is different, some people dont like to hear about history at all but im the kind of person that needs to know what happened, why did you break up…stuff like that. I EXPECT my husband to be 100 percent honest with me about all things but especially things like this.

i dont think all men lie and i dont think its fair to place it on men, women can be like this too… and i dont think your Fiance should necessarily be punished for lying, he obviously asked you to marry him which means he cares about you. but i do believe in open and honest communication as well as trust. if you cant trust him then you are starting off on the wrong foot. Trust is a MUST even more than honesty i think…little white lies here and there are a part of life but you have to be able to trust your future husband completely.

i would ask him why he lied, he needs to know it wont hurt your feelings, past relationships are a part of life, they may sting to hear to about but i think its best to know about them, maybe he didnt want to hurt your feelings, or maybe its something much more than that.

i would talk to him before making any rash decisions. if it was a past realtionship and he is really over her he wont get defensive about it, he will tell you straight up what happened between them. or should….you have a right to know.

Post # 5
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree wholeheartedly with Tranquility above.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this!

Men don’t just lie. It’s very possible to find yourself a good man who doesn’t.

If you have any serious doubts, and you don’t feel better after sitting down and talking with him in depth about his lying… then I would definitely put some thought into postponing or cancelling the wedding until you trust him 100%. You don’t want to worry about what he could be lying about or hiding for the rest of your life.

Post # 6
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with @tranquility:. I think that you were in the right to ask about it, but I can also see why he thinks he was justified in skirting the issue. I’d talk with him (calmly, so take some cool-down time if you need it) about why this hurt you and how it could affect the trust in your relationship. *hugs* I don’t think this the worst thing ever, but it really stings, I’m sure.

If you don’t trust him at all, then I’d say hold off on the wedding until you get some couples counseling and address the issue head on. Don’t go into a perminant relationship situation if you’re not 100% confident that you can make it and work through difficult issues. 

Post # 7
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have been there and I know it feels like the world is ending 🙁

My fiance has not lied about who he dated, but he has lied about certain things from his past relationships. I guess he assumed that it was easier for me to think that I was the only person he went to Hawaii with then to tell me he went with an ex gf too. Stupid little things like that…

I knew the second he lied that he was lying. Like all untruths the truth always comes out eventually! I flipped, like you, and started to question the whole relationship. I had to ask myself if I really believed that he was a bad person and if I was really willing to end the relationship over this. The answer was no. He is an amazing human being, but he is not perfect. I love him and that includes his flaws….I would not want him to throw everything away if I made a mistake. Sure, there are some that are unforgiveable but this was not one for me. It took some serious work to get thru it and for me to fully trust him again.

I am no expert, I just know my experience….And I think you can get thru this. I don’t think all men lie, but I do think that they sometimes leave things out to avoid “hurting” our feelings. To me, that is a complete insult; like I cannot handle hearing the truth and that infuriated me more than the lie. It took some work for both of us. He needed to trust that I can handle the truth and I needed to trust that he would tell it. We both learned a lot from this…and we have a much stronger relationship now.

You have to do what is right for you, good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

*hug*

I went through a similar situation–except the comlete opposite w my then fiance (now husband)

we were each other’s first boy/girl friends in high school and dated for 2 years (never had sex), we broke up and didn’t see/talk to each other for 5 years.

 

We met up again and before we started officially dating again he asked how many guys I had dated/slept with -I answered honestly-6. I jokingly asked if he was still a virgin and he said he had slept/dated with like 13 girls. I didn’t really care, but many months later I figured out he was lying–turns out he had only had 1 girlfriend besides me and only had sex with her (and me).

He said he was just insecure because he figured I had had lots of bf’s and that he had never really gotten over me. It made me so so angry/sad. I made it very clear that if he ever lied to me again it would be Over–even if we’d been married for 20 years.

Luckily no problems since then.

It seems your guy doesn’t realize how much this hurts you–try asking him straight up

“Why do you think its ok to lie and hurt the woman you love?” I mean I see lying as going out of your way to eventually hurt someone.

 

best of luck

Post # 9
Member
4582 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Not all men lie.

That said, I can kind of understand his reasoning for lying about this stuff. He doesn’t want to upset you. But we all know male logic tends to be flawed. 🙂 I mean, I would definitely be more upset about the lying than about anything that happened before I came along. Talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that the lying is more hurtful than the truth.

Post # 10
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

First off, here’s a hug from me… (((hug)))

Secondly, the interesting thing is that you knew he was lying and you got him to admit the truth.  Your relationship seems strong enough to survive you being completely honest with him and letting him know how you feel about this.  Tell him that you’ rather know the truth, even if it hurts you at the time because…

Third, and most importantly, he is marrying YOU.  Girls in the past are just that–in his past.  I know that’s really easy to say, but you’re the one with the engagement ring, you’re the one he’s chosen to spend the rest of his life with.  We all have a past.  I think once you tell him it’s okay to be honest about his, he won’t have anything to lie about.

On a personal note, I’ve always felt insecure about Fi because his last serious girlfriend was a super-sex-bomb redhead who wore leather pants and had a ton in common with him.  Fast forward to this year, when he was sick, I was the one making him chicken soup and renting Redbox movies to watch… which one would you rather marry? 

Post # 11
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

While not right, I don’t think this is uncommon.

I chalk it up to doing the wrong thing for the right reason.

My Fiance did this when we first got together.  He did it twice!  I discovered a one night stand he had (VIA FB sherlock holmes stylz) and he said he didn’t want me to think he was a slutty guy and that since it meant nothing to him at all, he didn’t want me to waste even one second of emotion on it either.  Totally undertandable reason.  I then asked if there was anything else he was not being forthcoming about and he said no.

Well one day I discovered he had a casual affair with another lady for 2 months that ended 6 months before we even met.  He had the same reasoning.  He didn’t tell me because he was terrified of the wrath of me to upset me, and was worried since he promised last time there weren’t any other sercrets, I’d really freak out.  He didn’t want to lose me (this was still near the beginning of our relationship). 

Well wrath I did unleash. I told him while I understood why he lied, I would not tolerate it ever again. I told him that it would eventually come out and that the past two instances were proof, so to lie was pointless, and to come clean right then, and that it would be a “free zone” (in otherwords I wouldn’t freak out)  if there was anything else that I could find out down the road, because if I found out anything, anytime, I would be gone. He would lose me for that, 100%

My Fiance is a wonderful amazing man, but like everyone he makes poor choices and decisions.  And I find that men in general, would much rather stick their head in the sand and hope nothing ever comes to light, than cause conflict.

Good luck with everything.  I hope you stick by him. 

Post # 12
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ok…two sides to my answer:

If you’ve given him a hard time about his past relationships, although it still is not right, I can see why he would go ahead and lie not to make an argument of it.

If you haven’t…it is highly probable he just feels weird talking to you about it.  And I would just tell him…look babe, you don’t need to lie to me.  I am comfortable talking to you about these things as long as we’re honest…and here are my boundaries (leave out sex, etc lol – my suggestion).

Post # 13
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

My husband lied about some stupid stuff when we first started dating – for example, our FIRST date, his cell phone kept ringing, and he said it was his mom.  It was his crazy ex-girlfriend.  Stupid stuff like that.

We were young, like 19 when we started dating.  After that happened a few times, I told him that I wasn’t dumb, and that I required complete honesty to date someone. 

As far as I know, 6 years later, honesty is our policy. 

My suggestion is maybe considering some counseling before you walk down the aisle.  You have, have, have to trust him.

Post # 14
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand your hurt and confusion on this issue and it’s one pretty close to my heart as well.

Whilst I appreciate that going through this feels massive to you right now, please try to take a small step back and a breather before throwing away a relationship that you clearly feel very strongly about – you agreed to marry this guy remember!

Firstly, by him saying ‘I didn’t like the way you asked me’ – think about it from his point of view. You probably asked him in a way which told him that if he told the truth, it would start an argument. Most guys hate being embroiled in arguments about ‘feelings’, mainly because they simply cannot win them.

Secondly, think about this girl who has quite brazenly stepped over the mark whilst YOU, his wife to be, were with him. That, in my opinion, is where the problem lies. He didn’t want to hurt HER feelings by saying ‘no’ either. But then deleted her number.

My advice is to attempt a chat with him, do not do this when you are out, or having a drink or anything, things like this can escalate when feelings are raw and high. Explain to him how you felt about it, and that you feel betrayed by his lie.

I surmise that he was simply trying to avoid an argument, because he doesn’t want to lose you. Guys can be pretty stupid that way, trying to avoid a fight and making it worse by not simply being honest in the first instance.

Ask yourself: Do I love him? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I really think he has done anything wrong (as pertains another female) during the time we have been together? If you can answer those three questions without any of them being negative to your relationship at present, try to work it out.

I hope that you get the answers you want. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’ve been in the same situation, when Fiance & I first started dating again a few years ago there was a girl who he was friends with.. She would always call him & they had mutual friends so they of course hung out when ever they were out at the bar, etc.. Well at that time we were in a LDR & when we were together she would call & text constantly.. He said she was just a friend & that was it, but to me she seemed kind of clingy to be “just a friend”. Come to find out she had been his booty call about 1 year prior & apparently never got over liking him.. So even though he never lied when I asked if they had dated, he did kind of keep from me that they had a “thing”.

That being said, I think sometimes guys tend to try & worm there way out of answering a question directly especially when its about their past so that we don’t get our feelings hurt, jump to conclusions, or bug them about it.

Post # 16
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So sorry you feel this way during such an exciting time in your life. I also can completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve had experiences with my Fiance where he didn’t tell the truth and it tore me apart. Our situations were never involving past relationships or anything it was usually DUMB stuff like did you buy donuts this morning?  To me it never mattered the subject it was the fact he lied.

I have always stressed the importance of honesty and that I will always be less mad at the truth than discovering a lie. For some reason that doesn’t always sink in. He has made poor decisions when put on the spot and it’s usually to avoid conflict. That drives me NUTS!!

I’m sure with a lot of work you guys can work through this and he’ll have to understand that trust doesn’t come easily, you have to earn it. After I’ve been told a white lie I’ve found myself a bit paranoid or maybe skeptical is the word and sometimes it took him proving to me he was honest for me to be gain that trust back.

Wishing you the best!

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