(Closed) he lied to me, I feel so sad.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Has he gone to a therapy session with you?

Post # 5
Member
13251 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get why you’re upset over the lying and how much he works, but I’m a little confused about why you went to the gym to check up on him.  I often use my cell phone to listen to music at the gym and don’t respond to phone calls, texts, or emails while I’m there.   It just seems like there is something else under the surface for you to actually take the time to drive to the gym to see if he truly was there.

Locking yourself in the bathroom and refusing to talk to him sounds a little immature to me.  I think you need to work out a clear compromise with him about the times that he’s free to tutor, and the times that you both agree for him to be home.  You know, Sunday afternoons are reserved for no tutoring, no questions asked, or something.

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the response you’re looking for.  But I do think there are things under the surface or that you opted not to mention here (for whatever reason) that may be coloring your judgment.  I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 6
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Sorry to say this but I do not think he was tutoring at all. Why lie about tutoring? Why go through the trouble of taking a gym bag and everything? I think he was out cheating. Who was he tutoring, anyway? I would speak to that person… they may have something to do with this.

Where there is smoke there is fire.

 

Post # 7
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m on the other side.

I work 6 to 7 days a week, usually for 60 to 80 hours.  Between work and the gym, my Fiance often doesn’t see me at all between 7 AM and 9 PM.  Believe me: he would rather spend the time with you.

I hate that I work so much, but I have to put in my time for now to work towards a better life in the future. 

It’s 9 PM on a Sunday and I’m killing time on here while I wait for SQL to run.  I will finish up working probably around bed time.  It stinks.

Please don’t think he doesn’t spend every day wishing he could be home with you.

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah it seems very abnormal to want to work SO much that you will work to the point that it deeply upsets your fiancee. Are you kidding? If given the chance, I’d totally stay home with my fiance all day, and he would with me! I too suspect more than just work may be going on.

Post # 9
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I agree that he should try to tell you sooner, but I also really see his side of this, too.

I’m sure he doesn’t *want* to be spending his weekend working- if he’s working, it’s because he feels like he NEEDS to be working. At least he is the responsible type- you are very fortunate that you don’t have to be harping on him to get off the couch and go look for work.

I do understand where you are coming from, though. I really do.

My Fiance is an architecture student. He spends probably about 40 hours a week in studio, on top of his classes. Most of the time he doesn’t even have the time for more than a couple of hours of sleep, much less any extra to spend with me. We don’t live together, so this means that regularly there will be days when I don’t see him at all.

I took that really hard our first couple of years at University. I was at a new school and he had come with me, so he was the only person I knew. I didn’t know anybody at first and hadn’t made many friends yet, so I was bored a lot and I hated how he could never hang out.

I felt like he was putting school before our relationship- it sounds selfish now, but at the time I was thinking, “He’s told me I’m the girl he wants to marry, but he can’t even spend any time with me because he is always in his stupid studio!”

I’ve come to realize that it’s not that school is more important than me- it’s BECAUSE of me he feels so much pressure to work so hard. He is doing everything he possibly can to set us up for the life that we want. And I just have to realize that these 60-hour-weeks and days-on-end of not seeing him regularly aren’t going to last forever.

It’s only temporary.

Do you have anyone you can call up and make weekend plans with instead? I notice now that I hardly even miss him when he’s at studio now. I have lots of stuff to keep me busy between my own work and making plans with girlfriends. You’ll miss him the most when you’re bored, and you won’t be so resentful of him being gone so much if you keep yourself busy.

Post # 11
Member
4930 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yeah, my instinct is with some of the PPs. Something just doesn’t add up here… The running off to tutor, knowing fully well it upsets you and not seeming to care, and “tutoring” when he was supposed to go to the gym – and even packed a bag! – is a huge red flag. 

Post # 15
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh bee, there are some things in life you can’t control. And it seems you are trying too hard to control something that will never work in your favor…or so it has been so far.

At least he wasn’t cheating, out to lunch with someone, or what have you.

He was sneaking off to do something he does for a living and that he enjoys doing. The question to think about is: Why does he feel the need to do this? Is there a reason he enjoys space on the weekend? 

Not to sound mean, but I would personally feel overwhelmed if you were following me. Wouldn’t you feel the same way if your husband has been secretly tracking you? And then, rather than dealing with it with him, you call your therapist first. 

I’m glad you’re going to therapy, but this all seems unhealthy. 

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