He lied to me!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I overreacting?
    overreacting : (29 votes)
    24 %
    not overreacting : (16 votes)
    13 %
    give him a second chance : (65 votes)
    54 %
    i wouldn't trust him : (10 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’m so sorry!  I don’t think it’s wrong or an overreaction to be mad at him for lying to you.  That’s always wrong, but even worse in this case because it was something you’d discussed and he knew how important it is to you.   It sounds like he understands that he really screwed up, but of course you’re the best judge of whether or not this is a deal breaker.  Do you think counseling (individually or as a couple) might help?  It might be useful to talk to an objective third party who probably has had experience working with trust problems before.  Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    My dad smoked for a long time, so I have witnessed firsthand how hard it is to stop smoking… It seems to me that he is trying to stop, having started Chantix, and it appears that he still loves you and wants to be with you and have a family with you. 

    I think that you should give him a second chance, and possibly tell him that it hurt you because he wasn’t confiding in you about a struggle that he was having, and that he was lying and how important honesty and open communication is to you, as well as the fact that you were scared that if he has been lying about this, then there could be other things that he is hiding.  

     

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    He shouldn’t lie to you; however, he has apologized over and over again. And he is getting help for his smoking addiction. He lied to you because he knew how you would react. It is extremely difficult to quit smoking. He is making an honest effort to quit. I think that you should be supportive of his trying to quit and accept his apology. He knows how you feel and as long as you accept what he has done and he promises not to lie to you again about anything, I think you should start talking to him again.

    Post # 6
    Member
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I completely understand where you’re coming from! My Fiance and i have been together for 2 1/2 years and when we started dating i knew he smoked once in a while..well he promised he has quit and i trusted him. Once in a while i would smell smoke but when i asked him he said he still wasn’t smoking. Well, I found cigarettes in his room before we were living together and found out he had been lying to me about it for over a year.  The same thoughts went through my head about him lying about other things. If he is continuously appoligizing i would give him another chance and just explain to him exactly why you are so upset but tell him that you would rather him have told you the truth then hide something. I hope everything works out!

    Post # 7
    Member
    5966 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I would be angry and hurt as well because of the lying (1 mean, for 2 years?  COMMON!).

    I’m also VERY anti smoking – but is it really fair to tell someone who presumably was falling for you that if he smokes you’ll dump him?  And I’m not judging b/c I would probably have done the same thing. But smoking is genuinely physiologically adictive and maybe he tried to quit but he couldn’t and he was scared to tell you?

    I’m not saying trust him and take him back.  It’s super s***y that he lied to you.  But at least talk to him about it.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2008

    HI – I had a very similar situation.  Sorry for the long response, but I totally know what you are going through. 

    Right before we moved in together, my then Boyfriend or Best Friend (who I also had believed had stopped smoking since before we starte dating) that he actually started using again nearly for a year and a half .  He was devasted telling me all this and offered to pay half my rent if I didn’t want to move in with him, as he knew the deception might have been too much for me.  I had the initial same reaction as you, which was to see him totally differently – he is one of the most honest trustworthy people I know and I couldn’t believe he had essentially been lying to me for so long.

    But I quickly started to learn what I could about this.  The reality was that he was deeply ashamed by the habit and totally under the power of the drug.  He was absolutely addicted, to the point where he would get headaches and feel awful if he went too long without it.  I decided that despite the lying, which was horrible, it didn’t mean he was an all around dishonest person, it was all about this drug.  We stayed together and he quit cold turkey.  I learned as much as I could about what he was going through and had gone through.  His quit period ,the first 60 days, sucked.  His mind was foggy, he was grumpy – what helped him a LOT was an online quit support group.  They did roll call every day – going one day at a time and having the support of others who were going through the same things.  They had people on the boards who had been quit for a long time who would give them advice and guidance.  We got through it.

     All I can suggest is that if you truly love this man, be his support, be his advocate.  Make it clear he can NEVER hide this from you again.  Have him get help.  Know he might relapse one day and he needs to know that too and never get too comfortable.  PM if you want to chat more! 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I totally understand where you’re coming from.  Smoking has ALWAYS been a deal breaker for me.  I just don’t think I can be with someone who knowingly and intentionally does something every day that will kill them.  That being said.  What he did sucks.  Absolutely.  But you do love him and he loves you, and while he made a whopper of a mistake, those two basic facts remain.  And everyone makes mistakes.  Smoking is an addiction, and while he may not have had the strength or the willpower to overcome it before now, it seems that your reaction has given him the impetus he needed to really make the effort this time.  You are clearly more important to him than smoking.  He did lie to you, which is unacceptable, and before you two move on from this you will need to have many serious conversations about how he will never lie to you again.  But I think you need to at least talk to him, see him, and work through this.  (((many many hugs))) I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

    Post # 10
    Member
    6572 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2010

    lying, to your face, for two years straight is not ok. i had a problem like this with my ex of 7 1/2 years. for that entired time he told me he wasn’t smoking. he would come into my house and stuff his mouth with food so i wouldn’t smell it. he would tell me he took home a friend who was smoking in his car. and of course i would want to believe him so i would. and then i’d call his work and his coworker would tell me he was on a smoke break! lies and more lies, would lead to lies about other things. which eventually, finally lead to me dumping him, which is when he confessed that he smoked throughout our entire relationship. at least i learned from this experience. i’m ok with giving people 2nd chances, but if you give them more than that, they start to walk all over you. and if he’s lying to you, he doesn’t deserve more than one more chance.

    Post # 11
    Member
    681 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    I think you at least owe yourself an in depth conversation about it all before you make a decision one way or the other. Express how hurt and betrayed you feel by the smoking, and most importantly the lying. He clearly feels awful about what he’s done. Give him a chance to show you that he really is an honest guy–just an honest guy that messed up big. Chantix does wonders if you can take the side effects so there is a good chance that could eliminate the habit. Now you just have to see how serious the lying is.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    smoking is totally gross! i woudl be upset, too. But i would still marry the guy, just make him do everything under the sun to quit. it’s not like you don’t like his hair or clothes – it’s a big thing to be anti-smoking. I don’t even let people smoke cigarettes on my patio – they have to go AWAY-away, i hate it. I don’t think you’re overreacting, but you should also give a 2nd chance. Addictions are powerful.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1982 posts
    Buzzing bee

    The lying is horrible, which most people have addressed. I’m going to address the giving up part of it and Chantix.

    My mom was on Chantix for a year and a month. She just recently got off of it. It was her second time using it.

    Chantix is a great drug for eliminating the feeling of wanting to smoke, but it can have bad side effects. Weird dreams, indigestion and other random stuff. A lot of people don’t succeed their first time on it, but you CAN if you make an effort to get involved with supportive people and groups, stay away from cigarettes and make sure no one is an enabler, and do something to keep your mouth busy (chewing gum eliminates you wanting to put any other flavor in your mouth… so tell him to keep chewing!).

    I think that if you really are willing to help him, that both of you can help him kick this addiction. He needs support to stay on the Chantix (if you don’t have it, most people succumb to the side effects and want to go back to smoking) and to encourage his progress. If he had come to you and said, “I think I’m addicted to alcohol/drugs/etc” would you have kicked him to the curb or helped him get support? Lying is part of the addiction sometimes. It doesn’t make it right at all, but sometimes we have to forgive. Just never forget.

    Good luck and best wishes to you! I hope everything works out!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think you might be overreacting to the smoking issue.

    But it sounds like you’ve gone cold on the relationship because of the lies.  IMO once someone has burned out like that there’s no getting it back, it’s over.  I’ve only had this happen in much more casual situation, I’m getting to know a guy and then he says something and bam it’s just over for me, not in my head but on a gut level my emotions are just never going to go there again.  If that’s so, there’s nothing to be done. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    5263 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I don’t think he should have lied, of course, but I have seen how hard of a time people have quitting, and how ashamed they are when they slip up. I think at this point, you should encourage him to quit again, and let him know that honesty is most important to you – that if he slips up again, you won’t get mad at him, but you’ll do your best to help him get back on track. Smoking is different from having an affair or a similar issue, it’s so addictive that it’s an issue of more than just willpower. You need a whole support system behind you, and I think he just didn’t want to let you down. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee

    I think that he just didn’t want to dissapoint you and didn’t want to loose you. It doesnt excuse the lying. But I think you should try to help him through it and be there for him and help him try to quit. It is very hard to quit, I was a smoker not to long ago and am now smoke free but it took me a lot of tries to quit. You have a right to be upset but you all should work it out together and not just give up on it if you love each other. I don’t see how feelings could change soooo drastically towards him. It doesnt seem like he lied to hurt you, its just hard for him. Maybe its only because I was a smoker, I don’t know but I wouldn’t give up on him, he is trying to quit and that says a lot. Give him another chance. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you all.

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