(Closed) He lied to my mom?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Thast would be unforgiveablet to me unless there was a major reason why. It seems there wasn’t so…

Post # 17
Member
43 posts
Newbee

Lovely! Get out now! 

He is a pathological liar and this will be a constant thing in your lives. 

I had a friend date a guy who ‘promised’ lots of things and it was excuse after excuse. 

She married him & now they are divorced. 

You need to waste no more time on this guy! He has issues and you need to get on with your life. You deserve an honest guy. 

 

Post # 18
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee

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britt525 :  Sorry but I got to go with the other bees on this one, leave him. What he did was very cold. You don’t make promises like that unless you are going to keep them, he probably not only hurt you but your mum while she was here. He dangled hope in front of her and took it away, and by the looks of it doesn’t even care. 

I understand that he is young and could not be ready at that age but don’t make promises you can’t keep. He should be straight with you instead of pussy footing around. He sounds like a guy who will let you down a lot over the times. 

Post # 19
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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britt525 :  I am sorry bee, firstly for you loss and secondly for that fact that you are with a man that thinks it is ok to make a promise to your Mum and not make it his number one PRIORITY to follow through on. Dump his ass. He if broke this promise what else is he going to let you down about in the future.

Post # 20
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Boot him. Listen to your mother. 

Post # 21
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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britt525 :  Honestly, I’d be gone. It’s one thing to string you along because he’s still unsure and uncomfortable. It’s a completely different thing to lie to your DYING mother and PROMISE her that he would marry you before she passed. Now that she is gone, it would be too crushing for me to marry him. I’d keep thinking about how he dragged his feet during the process and now your mother is not there the enitre time I was walking down the aisle. Frankly, at the very least, he has tainted the entire experience. 

Also, I just have to add this: Whenever a guy brings up “money” as the reason I am always a bit suspicious. My husband would have married me in the middle of a Chick fil A, on the beach, at a swanky country club–literally wherever. If money was an issue for us, we would have eloped. The fact that you are offering to elope and he is still dragging his feet? Bye. You should not have to drag your future husband down the aisle. He should have honored his promise to your dying mother and the fact that he hasn’t is a complete disrespect. If he had stayed silent, it would have been different. 

Of the two of you, someone should be honoring your mother’s feelings. He lied once about something crucial. He’ll do it again. If your dying mother isn’t enough to spur him on, nothing is. Cut him loose so he can go waste some other girl’s time. Move on and find someone who will truly respect you. 

Post # 22
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

He lied to your dying mother about marrying you? I’d be gone and I’d tell him to his face what a piece of trash he is. Seriously, that is horrible.

Post # 23
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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alex313 :  Bullshit- he knew her mom was dying and 23 is more than old enough to know the gravity of a promise. I was already a mom at 23- and a good devoted mom. There are soldiers younger than 23. People can be nurses or teachers by 23, positions of great responsibility. So I’m totally not buying the he-was-just-a-lil-kid-of-twenty-three cop out.

IMO he let OP down big time when she needed him most. And he’s STILL dicking her around with excuses and extensions. People of any age are entitled to not want to get married, or not be ready to be married, but is it too much to ask that they be freaking straight with their partner about this?!

I’m sorry for the loss of your mom OP, please don’t settle for someone you can’t count on. 

Post # 24
Member
10374 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

When my ex’s dad was dying of cancer in hospice he asked him if he was going to marry me and start a family, my ex swore he was. I guess it was easier to make that promise than to tell his dying father he was sleeping with several other women on the side.

People say things they don’t mean. This guy is showing you who he is, believe him and do better for yourself.

Post # 25
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He just made an error in making that promise to your Mom. No one should go through with a wedding and a marriage just to fulfill a promise to someone else, even if they are dying. I know a couple who got married so that a dying mother could be at the wedding, and it was a disaster. 

He isn’t ready to get married yet, so let up all the pressure. He is the type who over-promises when he feels that pressure. So don’t back him into a corner, then say he lies. Tell him all bets are off, and see where it goes from there. Give it 6 months without any talk of marriage then see how YOU feel. 

The 2 of you are young enough to do this. If the 2 of you were late 30s I would say, pack it in.

Post # 26
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

It’d be one thing if he’d made that promise and then tried to coordinate it all and then something came up which prevented it (either a major life change on his end, or your mom passing earlier than expected, etc). However, it sounds like what actually happened was that he promised your dying mom that she’d be there for your wedding and then totally dropped the ball and broke the promise.

The fact that now–without and promises to make or break to ill family members–he is trying to still keep pushing back and back and change the plans and all that would tell me that he is just making empty statements. Listen to your mom. She’s right, he’ll do this for the rest of your lives together. You can do better.

Post # 27
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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DanaWeddingGuest :  ‘just an error’?! And she’s ‘pressuring’ him too much!? I can’t believe you’re cutting him so much slack in repeatedly playing mindgames with OP. This isn’t a guy who stated he wasn’t ready for marriage yet and was talked into it because OP wanted her mom there- this is a guy who talks a big talk with all his empty promises and has repeatedly said he’s full on board with all this, then makes excuses and lets her down time after time. I have to admit though, ‘over-promise’ is quite the creative euphemism for lying and going back on your word. Let’s get over her boyfriend’s apparent fragility for a moment and take into consideration the pressure his inability to keep his word or be honest with her has put on OP. 

Post # 28
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Someone in a moment of weakness makes a promise to marry the daughter of a dying woman, and they are expected to keep that promise? That is something out of a Victorian dime novel. 

If the OP is that incensed about her mother being lied to, she should just dump him. That broken promise would not stand up in any court. All of us have said yes to do things we regretted later. Usually it is like baking 4 dozen cupcakes for the church social. We do it because we said we would, and regret it and say never again. 

But expecting someone to stick to a promise to get married, even after it seems he doesn’t really want to? Is that the kind of husband she wants, the start to a marriage? I have seen it happen, a couple I know got married, sped up the wedding so the bride’s dying mother could see her daughter get married. What the poor woman did not see, was when her daughter’s marriage ended 2 years later. 

 

Post # 29
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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DanaWeddingGuest :  I think you’re mistaking an overall pattern of repeat behaviour with a one time emotional moment of weakness, you’re seeing him in the latter but I say he’s definitely in the former. 

Post # 30
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

What I see is a guy who doesn’t want to marry or get engaged at this time, and is avoiding and fudging on it. The promise to the dying mother is kind of separate. 

IMO, there is no way in hell he has an obligation to get married just to fulfill a promise made in the heat of emotion to a dying woman. 

If the OP is fed up with his dodging the marriage and engagement thing, that is a separate issue, and if she doesn’t like it she can dump him. They are both young. She should leave out the “he lied to my dying mother” in the bin marked “Overwrought Drama”

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