Post # 1
I am a bit confused and heartbroken, and seeking advice.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for just short of 2 years. After 9 months of dating, we declared our love for each other, and talked about our future. Unfortunately, I left for school across the country, and we did long distance for 6 months. During this time, he told me that he couldn’t wait to give me the things I dreamed of… a home, a family, etc. Well, after 6 months, I realized the program wasn’t best for me, so I moved back home and have lived with him since.
Yesterday, I asked him where things stood with us. We haven’t had a conversations about us since I have been back, and I was starting to feel nervous. What he told me crushed me… he said he doesn’t feel the same, and now he has doubt. He told me he still loves me, and he wants to be with me, but he doesn’t know if he can make a commitment to me. I explained that that makes me nervous, and I might not be able to stay with him much longer; he then asked me to not give up yet.
He treats me well, and I feel loved. However, I have been in too many relationships that are “just fine” but never budge. Do I give him more time? Or, is this a huge red flag?
Thank you for advice!
Post # 3
@lovenlogic: What specifically doesn’t he feel the same about? If he has doubts then he needs to discuss them with you! This might be a stagnant relationship for you, the question is: would you be ok just being this guys girlfriend for the rest of your life instead of his wife? If you are, great. If not, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and discuss YOUR feelings about this with him.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
@lovenlogic: I think your decision depends on your current age and comes down to your personal timeline. If you want to have a home and family by age XX then do you think your boyfriend will change and be ready by then? If not, you’ll need to leave him and find someone else to fulfil your needs.
Post # 5
Over the 8 months I spent deciding to propose, then backing down, (out of fear, uncertainty, a feeling that I just needed to think longer because of the magnitude of the decision) repeatedly, starting at the 2.5 year mark, I could well have given that answer if I was pressed at some of those moments. How long have you been living together? It could just be a period where he’s unhappy, or feeling bored/stagnant with the relationship. It could also be that he’s checked out. It could mean a lot of things. Keep talking, but try not to be pressuring him in any certain direction. Maybe he needs to figure out exactly how he feels and what he wants, and maybe that will take him some time.
Post # 6
@Duncan: We’ve been living together for 6 months now. In all honesty, it is going great. He did state that he is feeling generally unhappy and confused about his life right now (and he is from Europe too, so I often wonder if he is worried about marrying an American and, no matter where we live, someone is away from home). He is brutally honest, so I believe that he will tell me if there is “no hope.” We both agreed at the beginning of the relationship that if it ever reached that point, for the sake of not wasting either of our time, we would end it. When we had our discussion the other night, he said “I know we agreed not to waste each other’s time, but it is complicated now.”
It helps to hear that other men have the same moments of doubt. I am OK with not getting married right now, and certainly am not ready for a family. But I just turned 29, and I am starting to feel nervous. If I want those things before I turn 40, I can’t waste a couple years here and a couple years there on men who can’t make a decision.
Post # 7
@MrsYoshida: I agree. I just turned 29, and though I am not ready to “settle down” quite yet (as in start a family), I do want that in my 30s. It’s so hard to walk away when he says “Don’t give up,” but I think he knows now that he doesn’t have all of the time in the world. It doesn’t help that he is ~6 months younger than me, and he has stated that he feels 30 is a good age to settle. That gives him a couple of years before he sees himself making any sort of decision along these lines, which is too long for me.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsJohnson_: He said he didn’t even know what the doubts are about. “If I wrote it all on paper, it would be perfect.” Perhaps it is cold-feet, or just the enormity of the situation? I also wonder if the fact that I was across the country when he told me those things–maybe the distance made him realize what I meant to him? And now that I am here all of the time, he sort of takes it for granted?
We definitely need to have more discussions. For me, it’s not about being his wife, but making the decision that this is the person you will start a family with, and decide to have in your life moving forward. The big picture idea of it.