Post # 16
BalletParker : Peachytalk : This is where I am running into problems. I also believe that cutting her off and refusing to shelter her is isolating her in a bad situation, which is what Scott wants. I believe in tough love, but I’m also hesitant to isolate her in dangerous situation. I don’t want Jane to feel like I’m interfering in her relationship, but I also don’t want to see her continually get hurt by this guy.
I do believe that there is no way this relationship can continue long term, but the fact that it’s already been going on for a few months worries me. Where do I draw the line? Say it takes Jane a year or two to come to her senses. Do I continue opening my door to her that whole time?
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. It helps to have somewhere I can talk about this.
Post # 17
TheGridMonster : You’re right. I did talk to Jane about the unfairness of this all when they first ran into conflict regarding space. And she still gave in to his demands and signed the lease. Some people are just determined to learn things the hard way. Quite honestly, I also don’t know how much I’ll be able to get through to her either, but I also don’t want her isolated in a bad situation.
Post # 18
This is tough. I feel like there is a fine line between enabling and being supportive.
I do think you need to communicate clearly with Jane on this. Show your support and care for her but also express your concern. She needs to know that the frequency of conflict and how it escalates to her being forced out of her home is not healthy or normal. Either she needs to leave Scott or work with him to better manage conflict resolution in their relationship.
If I were you I would probably open my home for her to swing by and decompress for a few hours (no more multi-day sleepovers) and encourage her to return home to work through her problems with Scott. That is, unless you feel Scott is a danger to her.
If you truly believe he is a threat to her safety then there are a number of resources PP’s have recommended that you can share with Jane. While you want to be there for her you also need to protect yourself from becoming a rescuer as I had mentioned before.
Post # 19
Jane’s name is on the lease so Scott can’t actually kick her out. She doesn’t have to leave. Scott has no legal power here. Tell her that.
You’ve coddled Jane and enabled this crap far too long. I’d get real with her, ask her: why do you like being treated like shit? Why are you dating this loser? Do you not like yourself? You don’t think you deserve to be treated with respect? You wanna live this rollercoaster the rest of your life? Where will you go when hekicks you and a baby out on the streets? You think that’s love??
Post # 20
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
skier11 : I think weddingmaven : hits on exactly the right balance.
If she decides to LEAVE him, your door is open. If she’s just looking for a place to boomerang back from, I’d say you can’t be party to it anymore.
She is being abused. I would say that to her in so many words. She may not see it that way, but that is exactly what is happening. Hearing it said so unequivocally might help shake her from her trance.
I would tell her you support her, but not her choice to stay with him. That you will do whatever you can to help her leave the situation and let her know you don’t judge her for having ended up in this position. It can happen to anyone. So many women I know stayed in bad/scary/dangerous relationships because they were too embarassed to admit they ended up with such a trashbag.
You can’t continue to be a port in a storm she is helping to create. Should she decide it’s time to break away, by all means do whatever you feel you are able to do.
Post # 21
I would classify this relationship as abusive. People in abusive relationships often find it very diffiult to leave for many reasons. Please keep opening your door to Jane, but maybe also let her know that you’re worried about her situation and that if she needs to talk about anything or needs help breaking her lease, you will be there for her. Don’t bad mouth Scott because it’ll put her on the defensive, just let her know that you don’t think her living situation is very healthy and you’re worried about her. And then leave the ball in her court. She needs to get up the will to leave this relationship on her own, but it will be easier if she knows she’s got you on her side.
Post # 22
Jane needs to dump Scott and move on. He’s a piece of work and that’s putting it nicely and if she keeps enabling his behavior, their relationship is never going to get better. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to tell her that while you don’t mind helping her, you’re concerned that the frequency of this and the behavior itself is concerning and she needs to address it. While you can’t make her do this, you can be a good support system to her.
Post # 23
skier11 : you need to set reasonable boundaries for yourself and your home and marriage.
Don’t cut her off but don’t take on her entire issues either. So maybe set a limit on the number of days you can have a visitor.
We have, sadly, no control over other people do when they’re being treated poorly. You’re a good friend to open your doors and she seems to be a good houseguest. But you still need to protect your privacy and homelife.
I would drop the seeds re literature and links to domestic violence and abuse signs — and then take some space for yourself just to be sure you aren’t taking on her problems .
Good luck bee you’re a good friend
Post # 24
skier11 : Good grief Jane, get it together! This outcome was so predictable.
Yes, I would talk to her about it. For one thing, she has made it your business by depending on your help regularly. Second, she’s a friend who needs a reality check. Will she listen to you? Probably not. But I think it’s worth a shot. I’d call up an abuse hotline and see if you can get some advice on how to approach the situation.
However, even if she doesn’t listen, I would let her continue to stay in your home as long as she is still a good guest. I think that she’s in an abusive situation (at least emotionally) and she needs people she can depend on.
Post # 25
I don’t think you should cut her out as to hope it toughens her. She needs to know there are good caring people in her life. And someone whom she can trust.
Whenever it happens talk to her. Let her express herself and try making her really think about her situation and if she’s okay with this for the rest of her life. Or she if eventually have kids with him is it okay for her kids to watch her be treated as less than an equal.
Post # 26
I think telling her she can stay with you when she breaks up with him for good is a great idea. I don’t know what you can do otherwise. Your friend wants to listen to Tom/Tim/whatever-his-name-is no matter what advice she gets, so trying to reason with her is unlikely to get you very far.
Your friend is going to put herself through an ordeal. If you try to be there for her, she’ll drag you through the ordeal with her, so, as bad as it may seem, you’ll need to set up boundaries now and make it clear that you won’t be along for the ride.
Keep her out of your house until she’s done with him for good, and even then evaluate the situation as it happens, because Tom/Tim/whatever-his-name-is could become a stalker or violent, and you don’t want him showing up outside your house because she’s inside it.
Proceed with caution, OP. Your friend is a liability.
Post # 27
Does your company offer any sort of employee assistance program, perhaps with a hotline to call and speak with someone for a referral for counseling services? I would suggest that she talk to someone, a third party who is completely new to this situation. Specifically a licensed professional.
Post # 28
I would have a conversation with her comprised primarily of questions. She seems to be dealing with a poorly functioning picker- sometimes, hearing yourself speak your own (messed up) philosophy aloud can clarify things so rather than trying to say something to her to get her to change her mind, I’d just ask her a bunch of questions:
How do you see this working out? Why do you allow him to put you out of the apartment you pay half (or more) for? Why don’t you think you deserve space in your own home? What is his appeal for you? Do you have a timeline for seeing things improve in this relationship? What would make you decide to leave him for good? What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you happy?
And ultimately “Have you ever considered therapy?”
I would make sure to let her know that her relationship seemed abusive and give her the name of a hotline to call about it. I get the concern about just cutting her off but there would definitely come a time when I’d have to let her know that my home isn’t for boomerang visits as she’s been using it.
Post # 29
TwilightRarity : <—— everything she said OP.
Post # 30
I’m disappointed in the negative responses about Jane, if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you don’t know how easy it is to not see what is so obvious to others. Practice a little compassion and realize that not everyone has the same life. Ok, rant over.
OP, I am so glad you do not want to isolate her. I just moved out of an abusive marriage and it took me a year from realizing he was abusive to actually moving out. This isn’t a linear, logical process so using rational thought doesn’t always apply. I do agree that you should set some boundaries with her, and I do like the questions TwilightRarity said. Posing questions do help re-frame things and saying the things that might only be thoughts in her head might help her realize what is going on.
Explain that you are concerned for her and are enabling this abuse by letting her come over and go back. Say your home is open when she is ready to move out for good, and I would also be there for her for phone calls/texts/to hang out. This way she doesn’t feel like she was given an ultimatum–move out & have me in your life OR stay there & don’t talk to me–she already been put in enough of this type of situation, I don’t think another one is what she needs.
Boundaries for both of you are good, and she does need someone to still care about her while she is dealing with this shit. For anyone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship, you end up questioning everything about yourself and every choice you try to make. Its extremely difficult to “man up” as one bee said. Please have patience and compassion for Jane, and put in some boundaries as well.
DM me if you want.