(Closed) He needs more than 2 years to know if I’m the one

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you have a plan to live together when/if things do get more serious?  Honestly, at 31/36 I don’t think seeing each other once a week would be enough for me.  Especially if there is no end in sight to it.  And it really is hard to know if you can spend the rest of your life with someone if you don’t spend extended amounts of time together.  Have you ever been on a long vacation or anything when you have spent day after day together?  I’m a big believer in living together before you get married because I think that’s when you really get to know someone.  Could you talk about moving in together somewhere in the middle?  A 35 mile commute for each of you wouldn’t be too bad.  That way he could get more comfortable in having marriage in the near future, and you can feel like the relationship is moving forward.

Post # 4
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

For sure do Mr. Bee’s plan. And keep us updated!

Post # 5
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wife_bris: Don’t feel alone. I definitely feel like I’m still “auditioning” too and I’ve been here a year! We’ve made a little progress in that year but he’s never said: “I’m going to marry you one day…”

The only truth I’ve figure out is this:

If you’re sure he’s the one, and he loves you but isn’t sure you’re the one yet you have to decide how long you’re willing to give him to figure it out and try to make peace with that time frame. You can’t force him to be ready early, but on the other hand I don’t think that it’s fair that you give him more time than is good for YOU. That will just make you resentful and make you feel like you’re wasting your time. 

I’ve given my guy a LOT of time. He’s coming up on the end of my willingness to wait though. If he doesn’t do something by our seventh anniversary that is my end line. I haven’t told him–I don’t want to make it seem like an ultimatum. But when 7 years rolls around I’m going to ask him what the hold up is, and if he tells me “he’s not sure” then I’m going to take that as an “I don’t want to” and leave. 

(I’m not young either so it’s not like he needs time for a career, graduate, etc.)

Sorry I can’t be more helpful. I hope things work out for you. 

Post # 6
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Please go back and re-read all of your past threads.  I guarantee you the answers are not going to be any different this time around.

Post # 7
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

I am so sorry- I unfortunately think you are going to have to walk away… it sucks but I don’t see him coming around. Even he said he doesn’t think he will come around and when a man tells you something, believe him.

Please don’t let him drag this out- I honestly believe if you walk away, either he will see how much this means to you and propose or you will learn he wasn’t the one for you. Stop letting him waste your time.

Post # 8
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I have to say it-he’s just not that into you. (Based off of what you’ve said) Yes, he may be into you, but he’s not that into you enough to want to marry you. Harsh? Probably. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope things work out for you.

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee

@lezlers: I am a mom with two daughters in their 20’s.  I will tell you what I’d tell them. If a man wants you, he will move heaven and earth to win you and to keep you!  You do not want a man who feels tepid or Less Than Totally Passionate about you!  YOU deserve a man who adores you and feels you are a prize!  I know this may be hard to hear, but I think you should tell yourself the truth: he is not able to love you in the way you want to be loved.  He doesn’t mind hanging around for a safe, easy relationship with little demands on him, but I don’t see him changing just because of a deadline.  And, really, do you WANT a man you have to ‘threaten’ with a deadline?? I know I want to be treasured and respected more than that!  I think young ladies today make it all too easy to be won over.  Men still want to pursue and they only value what they have to work hard to win and keep.  YOU are worth the effort.  So, take a deep breath, call him and don’t cry or be angry.  Just matter-of-factly tell him you have decided this is not working, you hope you can still be friends, but there will no longer be a romantic relationship with you. (Then, stick to it, no matter what he says!).  By The Way, you should be holding interviews for the position of your child’s father, too.  So make the man who ‘wins the job’ be someone who is also worthy of your child’s affections, as well.  I’m not trying to be mean, I really think women today de-value themselves with men who are spoiled, apathetic and disinterested.  Better to remain single than be with a man who does not love you deeply and faithfully.

Post # 11
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@lezlers: Girl seriously! I was like, hey, I remember a bee writing about this a while back. And then I realized it’s the same lady. *smh*

Post # 12
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Everyone has their own timeline for when they are ready to make a commitment to marry.  I do not think 2+ years is unreasonable, even if he’s mid/late-30’s.  

Bottom line:  if you are ready and he is not – he’s not the right one for you.  If the relationship is something you feel you need to give up, because he is unsure, then it’s time to walk away.  We all have our breaking points, and it sounds like you’ve defined yours.  You are cheating yourself out of finding someone who does want to settle down, by staying with him any longer.

 

Post # 13
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

@oracle: You are cheating yourself out of finding someone who does want to settle down, by staying with him any longer.

I completely agree- OP, this man isn’t GOD. You can and WILL find someone else should you choose to end the relationship. The longer you wait and wait and wait, is the longer you cheat yourself out of a relationship and finding a guy who wants you completely and thoroughly, one who can’t WAIT to call you his wife and won’t have all of the excuses…. if he doesn’t know by now… then he might not ever know.

To give him some credit though- how feisible is it for you two to be married? I think one of his concerns are who is moving and where. You said before that you can not move due to a legal custody issue- well if you get married, how is that going to change? Maybe your guy doesn’t want to move where you are and since you can’t move how would you both operate married?
Honestly, I don’t see this working out- he doesn’t know if you are the one, you both aren’t in a position to see each other more and the situation is completely difficult with a guy who has no clue in the first place because that means he is unwillingly to move (literally) for you since he isn’t so sure you are the one.

I honestly feel you are wasting you time… and I really hope I am wrong because I hate to break your heart…. but you are really wasting your time. Unless you win the lotto and your ex give up on the custody arrangement, this is not going to work.

Post # 14
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

1. The economy is sooo much better than it was. The unemployment rate for people with a college degree is below 5% (it’s 9%-ish when you factor everyone in). I made a killing on my 401k last year. If he makes $175,000 a year, he has nothing to worry about.

2. If you make $175000 a year, and are 36 and have been saving, you have no excuse for not being able to afford a kid. My husband and I make that much combined, and live in one of the most expensive places in the country, and it’s no issue.

3. It sounds like he is making excuses, and doesn’t want to get married. I’d move on.

Post # 15
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@wife_bris: also: “What bothers me is that I feel very alone on this board, because most of the bees on here know that their BFs want to marry them.  I am still auditioning.”

It is a marriage/wedding website. I think that would go without saying?

Go back and look at your previous threads. You’ve already got your answer.

Post # 16
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Well, like you said, I can’t give much advice because we knew we wanted to marry each other like before we even started dating. However, I do have some advice/ideas. Everyone is different, so if he needs two years to decide, then I would let him have that. I’m sure he does not want to rush into marriage since there are people all around us getting divorced. Maybe he is just making sure everything is right before he gets into the marriage mindset.

Meanwhile, it sucks for you. Because you already know and you are ready to make the commitment. I would hang in there for the two years and then bring it up again. The thing is, he is probably nuts about you. But still needs that single time to figure things out. Ling distance sucks (believe me) but you’ll get through it. Now if he is still “playing around” for years, I would let him know you want a commitment or to part ways.

The topic ‘He needs more than 2 years to know if I’m the one’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors