(Closed) He Opened Up About His Fears – Not Sure What to Do

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

“the only reason he would have a child is to be with me”. 

Wow. The reality is you will be the one raising your family, alone most of the time, regardless of how close you move near others who can help now and then.

My ex-h worked in another country for over a year and I stayed local with my children working FT and being a FT “single” parent. We are now divorced and I am doing more of the same. It sucks and I would never willingly choose this lifestyle for me or my children. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  acesandeights.
Post # 17
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Agree with PP. This IS an issue to be “stuck on” before committing to marriage. Before anyone gets married, they NEED to be on the same page about those large issues in life, i.e. kids/no kids, finances, where you want to live, etc. He’s right in wanting to be 100% about it before moving forward. It’s a huge decision.

If you’re not on the same page, someone ends up being resentful because they felt forced into a life they didn’t want/expect.

And noone should have kids “just to be with someone”. That reminds me of Monica and Richard from Friends. He offers to have kids with Monica because he doesn’t want to lose her. But she realises that she should be having children with someone who WANTS to, not HAS to.

If you both do decide to have children, then you also need to decide how you plan to work out parenting. Coz if he keeps that same job, it sounds like a single parent type situation if that’s what your happy with.

Post # 18
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

adelady:  I also say it’s not up to us biologically speaking. Given our ages, if it’s not biologically possible to conceive then that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I would like kids. But if we can’t then we can’t. We are on BC, yes.

Given your ages? You’re 30. There’s nothing wrong with your age for having children. However, by the time this guy decides if he wants to marry you there will be.

Post # 19
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Maybe you should read he’s just not that into you? It just comes off as strange to me the dynamics of your relationship. But hey, all relationships are different. 

Post # 20
Member
1790 posts
Buzzing bee

If you marry him and have kids, essentially you’re agreeing to be a single mother- that is not fair to the kids.

And when you say “maybe biologically we won’t be able to have kids”- lol yeah! because he’ll never be around often enough to impregnate you

To me he sounds like he doesn’t want to settle down. I understand your dad was in the military so this guy’s constant traveling might be ‘normal’ to you but— no, most men will want to wake up and go to bed every single night with the woman he loves because life is too short. At this rate, what: you can be married for the next 10yrs and sleep in the same bed for a total of 400days? Does he really love his job so much that he won’t find a position and stay in one place to be with you b/c he loves you most?

 And the fact that he’s almost 40 (hello midlife crisis around the corner) and he’s still unsure about kids- this is a red flag, by that age he should have a solid grasp on what he wants to achieve before he dies. His brain is still in kid mode, kids are fickle and selfish. And I think he’s using this kids issue also as an excuse to postpone getting engaged, because he’s not ready to get married and he’s likely wasting your time. I don’t know this guy but I’m really sketch given the facts.

Post # 21
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

adelady:  Thanks, your update clears that up. You want children and he doesn’t. He hasn’t committed to you and one of the reasons is because you want children and he doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to be the type of father who rarely sees his own children, even if he did want them.

There’s no biological reason why you would have fertility issues at your age, unless you wait another ten years.

I agree with PPs that even if you manage to convince this man that marriage and children are a stellar idea then you will essentially be raising them by yourself. That’s no way to plan a family – the ideal is that the children would have both parents. It doesn’t matter that you know women who are married to men in his field – perhaps their husbands actually wanted children?

It sounds as though you’re trying to shoehorn him into a role that doesn’t fit him. Husband and father when actually he’s a career-focused man looking for someone to come home to after business trips. Maybe he’s looking for a housewife to look after the home for the months he’s away, but he’s not looking to come home to a woman with children. Please don’t try to make him someone he’s not, you’ll both end up miserable.

I think you either need to alter your preferences and accept you won’t have a family with this man, or find another man who is willing to give you a marriage and family. You’re not too old to start again. Good luck bee.

Post # 22
Member
12294 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would not bring a child into this world with a father who has said he’d only be doing it for you. That is unfair to your future child and would be a dealbreaker for me. 

Only marry this man if you are 100% fine with the idea of not having children, even if biology is on your side. You are not the one who has to “hammer out” this issue, he is. To my mind, he’s had plenty of time. It’s only not an issue if you really do not care either way, but you obviously do. 

Post # 23
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

weddingmaven:  This. 

OP you should never have a child with someone who is only doing it for your sake. That is the worst possible way to start a family and a smart person would lay money on future children being the breaking point of your marriage. whether it be him wanting out of a situation he never wanted or you being sick of raising your children on your own.

Post # 24
Hostess
8815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Sorry I am with your SO on this one. You got to nail down where you stand in regards to kids before you get married. To me, it isn’t something you just wait and see and sort out later.

Post # 25
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Your SO is right. This is a big deal.

Now, as a disclaimer, when my husband and I married (I was 30, he was 35), I did not want kids at the time, and declared myself as “unsure”, and he was open to having kids (I am now decidedly childfree, and being sterilized tomorrow) but at no time did he or I ever suggest if he wanted one, we could have one anyway.  He recognized fully that being with me meant kids were far from a certainty, in fact not having kids was the likely certainty.

To me having kids is not a compromise between someone not wanting kids, and someone wanting kids. Not only is that unfair to the children, but I think many people underestimate the impact kids have on your entire life, and your relationship. Is he still really going to feel that way when he comes home from a trip after months and instead of spending a few fun days relaxing with his girlfriend/wife, he comes home to a house full of kid toys, noise, their schedules, their priorities, and so on? When every time he talks to you it is about the baby, or the kids? Some people thrive being parents, and love it. But this guy is giving you very clear messages, in both words and actions, he is not going to be one of those people. You cannot go into this thinking seeing his baby will have him fall in love and change his mind. Because honestly, I can refer you to many people I know who may love their children, but would not do it over again, who do not like parenthood and it all it came with at all. It is dangerous to assume no one could ever regret having children.

At 30 you are young. Most of my peers have had children well into their 30s and even 40s, so there is no real reason due to age alone you would not be able to have children at this point, or for the next several years. I recognize you seem to be okay if your body does not let you have kids, but that is not the case right now. If you want kids You better figure that out now, and realize this is a man who does not want kids, and even if he had them to “keep you”, would at best not be an involved father, at worst be resentful. The things you enjoy about your relationship now, and maybe even him, would not be there anymore. 

Post # 26
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

Would you really want the father of your children to have them because it was only what you wanted, and not what he wanted? I don’t think you’re prosective children will thank you for this. 

 

And just to add to what other PP have said, you’re SO is right. Not settling the issue of children is a legitimate reason than any to postpone engagement. To say you just want a ring, and believe that the issue of children can be settled later down the line during marriage, lacks foresight and is unreasonable. 

Post # 27
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

adelady:  This is a HUGE issue. You do need this to be 100% BEFORE any engagement is even thought about.

He is telling you he does not want children. “He will have them to be with me.”… really? that is NOT a reason to have children. That will have you home alone with the children and your “husband” traveling the world. He does not want to be tied down to a family.

Sorry Bee, it sounds like you are making excuses for the future. In your eyes “he will feel different when you have children”… no, no… he is telling you now that he does not want them.

 

Post # 28
Member
45 posts
Newbee

Your comment that you “just want a ring” is deeply concerning as it seems you’re trying to push this for the wrong reasons and are glossing over important issues that NEED to be sorted before marriage is even considered. The subject of kids is generally a deal breaker for most and while it might seem unimportant now as you’re still young and have time to have them, what if you come to the age of say 40 and your partner decides he doesn’t want them and time is running or has run out for you and you need to start again. This could lead to misery for you and resentment towards your man. You need to clear up this issue before moving forward. It sounds like you already have a good foundation but if you disagree on something so fundamental then you need to decide on whether you can live your life that way.

Post # 29
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m actually the child of two people – I won’t call them parents because to me they don’t deserve the honorific – who went down this route.

My father never wanted children, my mother thought (at age 25?) that she couldn’t have them. My father wanted to travel the world with his career. My mother ends up pregnant less than a year after meeting my father…ends up with 3 children in 5 years (my mother is a practising Catholic).

But being a ‘family’ man doesn’t stop my father from getting what he wants. For the first 14 years of my life he drags us around the world with him, making it crystal clear (numerous affairs) that he resents the role of father and to all intents and purposes he acts like a single man.

My mother then resents us, as she’s the one who has to stay behind with us while we complete our already fucked up schooling. We see my father for the grand total of 3 months…in a 4 year period. I’m in serious car accident when I’m 17 – he doesn’t bother coming home…

Long story short, if you really want children, find a man who REALLY feels the same way. I’m now 47, and its still horrible to know that my parents resented me for existing.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Baal.
Post # 30
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Please please please figure out the children thing before you even think about getting engaged!! 

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