He promised he would propose but didn't (over and over again)

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
  • poll: Do you think he will propose?
    Yes : (2 votes)
    1 %
    No : (167 votes)
    99 %
  • Post # 2
    709 posts
    Busy bee

    He is not going to propose. Get ready and head back to your home country. If you want to live in the US permanently you will have look at other VISA options, because clearly marriage with this guy isn’t one them. I’m sorry this is happening to you. 

    Post # 3
    242 posts
    Helper bee

    claracogito :  Agree with churrosandroses. He’s not going to propose. He’s blown through so many deadlines, and not kept his word to you so many times. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Post # 4
    308 posts
    Helper bee

    Leading you on is one of the most painful things and I’ve been there so I feel for you.  Denial is one of the most common things we do to combat the pain/fear of what is/will happen.  Face it.  Actions are the most important… not words or promises.  Look at his actions.  Move on and open up a world of possibilities to yourself!!  Hang in there.  It does get better and you deserve better! 

    Post # 5
    346 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I can understand your frustration (my SO waited 9 years to propose) and I’ve moved countries with him, and it would have been far more convient and more cost effective if we were married, but love doesn’t come with deadlines. I worry that the pressure is too much. Visa issues are enough to deal with, and a relationship is a lot of work, so pressure to get married is a lot – I realise he has brought this up, but he can change his mind too. I’m sorry you are feeling so disappointed, I would too. Just trying to help give perspective. 

    Post # 6
    588 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Yah he won’t propose or he WILL then he’ll never set a wedding date and then he’ll never give you the go ahead For a venue and it will go on and on . You really want a life like that?

    if he really loved you and wanted to marry you he would propose!  He would be panting to marry you and to show his love and wanting to make you happy!  

    Face facts and start looking for a ticket back home . You deserve someone who adores and honors you.  

    Post # 7
    554 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    There’s no way he would let you renew your lease if he planned on proposing. That to me would be a huge red flag and I would have left him then.

    Post # 8
    2266 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    claracogito :  I have a friend in a similar situation in the US. She left and went back to Sweden, and after much angst and insecurity for her about his commitment they pursued a fiancé visa for her which she now has returned to the US on (no ring or any official proposal actually having taken place). The whole point is that they need to get married in the next three months if she’s to remain in the US and he acts like a child who can’t focus and listen when she brings it up and tries to talk. I hope otherwise but I feel like they just bought themselves three more months together and it’s all maybe heading towards inevitable heartbreak. 

    Honestly I have no better advise than to not pursue the relationship any further because perhaps your bf does want to be with you just like my friend’s bf wants to “not breakup” but just clearly is not ready for the commitment of marriage. 

    Like your lawyer has explained, it’s serious. Sometimes life hands you “wrong time, wrong place”, I think this might be one of those.

    On the other hand, my MIL just told me this evening that ALL MEN experience serious doubts before proposing and it doesn’t mean anything in terms of the eventual commitment to you (this on the topic of doubts my bridesmaid’s FI expressed ahead of eventually proposing today). My MIL & FIL have been married for 35+ years and they were dating for two years when MIL had to say “hey I’m not gonna wait around forever”, FIL then apparently had to take a whole summer of soul searching travelling alone before he was able to go ahead and propose. Maybe she has a point, I don’t know. 

    Post # 9
    483 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    I think he wants things between you two to remain the way they are as long as possible until you have to go. Maybe he wants to be with you but doesn’t want to marry you right now and because this is boiling down to you need to get married or the relationship ends, he feels trapped. Do what you can to renew your visa if you believe in this relationship. But you shouldn’t corner a man into marrying you just to stay in the US. it has to be about your commitment and relationship. 

    Post # 10
    5797 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    I would head back to my country.  No way I’m mixing my immigration status with a relationship timeline.

    Post # 11
    1694 posts
    Bumble bee

    If he’s blown this many deadlines and if you’ve met with an immigration lawyer and he understands what’s at stake and STILL hasn’t proposed, I honestly don’t think there’s any hope that he will. I’m sorry. I’ve been in the strung-along position before (though not with something as serious as immigration status involved) and it’s horrible. Personally, I’d just plan to move back to your home country. Right now he’s dictating your future and you should take that back into your own hands.

    Post # 12
    7635 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle

    ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! He can make you promises over and over, but at the end of the day you are like 5/5 unfulfilled. This is seriously jeopardizing your future at this point, with your immigration status involved.

    I’m so sorry he isn’t living up to his end of the deal 🙁 

    I would start planning on moving back to your home country. Line up a job and an apartment. Make it clear that if he wants to really marry you, he will move mountains to do so. I would seriously make him come to you to prove to you that he really wants to marry you… but in the meantime get yourself together in the event that he does not. I’d even go as far as to say that you should date around once you get back to your country. 

    Post # 13
    3211 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Yeah- he was feeling “jammed” because he didn’t want to propose- even though he’d said he would and kept participating in the conversation. It’s one thing to talk about something, it’s another to actually do it. I would start planning to return home or looking for another way to remain in the country that doesn’t make you dependent on tying yourself to another person who clearly has some things he needs to work out for himself.

    Post # 14
    5430 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    He probably feels “jammed” as he realizes there is a timeline if you are to stay in country. But just because he would like to continue the relationship, does not mean he is ready (or even wanting) to get married. And neither you, or an immigration lawyer, can convince him to feel ready or to want to get married. Nor do you want to marry someone who is not 100% in, and from my own experience and those of others I know, male and female alike, a man who wants to marry you WILL be 100% in.

    I think you need to start planning as if he is not going to propose (as it seems unlikely honestly given past history). If that means moving back to your home country, so be it. Put your life back in your control, not his. The way to get agency of your future is to not give it to others – especially ones who break promises over and over.

    Post # 15
    259 posts
    Helper bee

    On the other hand, my MIL just told me this evening that ALL MEN experience serious doubts before proposing

    Based on her sample of one? What ridiculous bullshit.

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