- 5 years ago
I just need to get this out. I’ve been with my boyfriend (30,I’m turning 27 in three days) for 2.5 years, we’re also living together and recently decided to buy a house together. Especially in the last six months it got really clear that he wants to spend his life with me, he started to talk about the future and children and told me he wants to be with me forever. So last year we talked about marriage for the first time. I wasn’t very happy to learn that he’s ‘not that into marriage’. He says for him it’s just a piece of paper and he already feels commited to me and nothing could ever change that. But if I want to get married we can, he wouldn’t mind being married to me and having a wedding and all that. I told him that yes, marriage is important to me (a big wedding not so much, but I want it to be special, have a ring, a dress etc.) and asked him when he could see us getting married. He said he doesn’t know. I dropped the topic. That was about three months ago.
Fast forward, 10 days ago. We hadn’t talked about marriage again, as he suddenly said at breakfast ‘Listen, I have thought about the whole marriage thing and I think we should do it. It has many advantages yadda yadda’ (he started to talk about unromantic advantages like taxes, insurance, me getting his company benefits etc.). I always kinda expected that I wouldn’t get a romantic proposal since he apparently isn’t that kind of guy, but I hoped for a ring at least. Nothing. Just what he said. After first disappointment I told him that yes, I’d like to get married. I felt like in this moment we were engaged, even though I didn’t have a ring. He said ‘Great, I’ll call the notary immediately so we can pass by in the afternoon to ask what papers they need etc.’. I was so surprised about him already taking initiative- The same afternoon we actually went to the notary and asked a ton of things and left it with a lot of info. He seemed to be very convinced that we’re going to do this, even said we can maybe get married this or next months, and it made me happy, even though it lacked a proposal and a ring.
Then, the next day, I asked him if he wants to get rings. He didn’t seem very convinced of this idea and said that he doesn’t really like wearing stuff on his hands (he doesn’t have any rings) and that maybe we could do something else, wristbands or so. I told him okay, we can have a look at that too, but to be honest I’d prefer having rings. He said ‘No problem, rings are okay too’. Then he didn’t say anything else do I dropped the topic.
Four days later and he hadn’t brought up marriage again, not even a single word about looking at rings or ideas how to get married or whatever. Nothing. I wasn’t pissed or so, but I just felt I wanted to talk about it. So four days later (5 days after him asking me if I want to get married and went to the notary) I asked him if he has thought about the whole wedding things. He said no. Literally nothing else. Just no. I asked him why he hasn’t brought it up again- He immediately got angry and said that it’s only been a couple of days and doesn’t get my problem. I tried to explain him that there is no problem, that I would just like to talk about it and know what we’re going to do. That for me it’s important that it’s a very special day, maybe just the tow of us and that I want rings and I’d like to look at rings. The discussion heated up a bit (well, him getting angry, me getting sad) and it ended by him saying that he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore and that we can discuss it another day. That was it.
That was 4 days ago. Ever since he hasn’t brought it up again and I also haven’t, because I’m scared to fight about it and because I want HIM to bring it up. He has been very normal all these days, cuddly, lovey-dovey and sweet as usual, but no marriage talk at all. Instead, he was asking me all week what I want from him as a birthday gift and I said I dunno, anything you think I would like (I was thinking ‘goddamn, all I want is a ring and a talk about marriage’ but I didn’t say a word). He has now planned for us traveling together four days starting on Tuesday, and I’m sure he won’t give me a ring. I ‘m also worried he won’t bring up getting married again.
Even more worried since one of his friends (who lives in another city) visited us yesterday and asked about marriage. The conversation was basically like this (in the car):
Friend: So your friends X and Y are married or not?
My Boyfriend or Best Friend: Yea, they are.
Friend: So you two are the only ones living in sin without marriage? (laughing, obviously a joke)
My Boyfriend or Best Friend: Yes. (laughing too).
He didn’t mention to his friend in a single word that we’re getting married this year or that we want to get married. This worries me even more. If he hadn’t brought up the whole marriage conversation 1.5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t freak out so much (although I’ve been hoping for a proposal for a while), but why does he bring it up and seem that he really wants to do it and then just stops talking about it completly??
I don’t get it- And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the idiot who brings it up again, I want him to say something but it seems like he doesn’t. I don’t need to plan the whole wedding right now, I just want to talk a bit about it at least, setting a date to go look for rings, buy rings and start planning.
What would you do in my shoes? Thank you so much!