Post # 31
I keep posting this, but you should be able to talk to your SO about anything & not be walking on eggshells. I think you ought to try to have one more serious convo with him about marriage & a timeline.
If he blows up, you have your answer & it’s time to move on & find someone who really wants to marry you.
Post # 32
You know what? It’s not all about him, but he’s acting like it is. “For him” it’s just a piece of paper; “he doesn’t wear rings”, so maybe a wristband (???) instead.
Sounds like he likes calling the shots…but marriage is 50/50.
Post # 33
snowflake2016: I never pressured him into marriage. In fact, I never even asked him if we’re getting married soon or anything like that. I never brought it up. I never nagged. Nothing like this ever. So that’s impossible.
Post # 34
TrueLove407: I actually asked him in our discussion if he only wants to marry me for the benefits (which I would receive to a much bigger degree than him!) or because he wants to. He got angry. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry me, but then I do’t get why he just didn’t keep his mouth closed instead of asking me to marry me out of the blue.
Post # 35
To the others, you’re right. I need to talk to him, but I will wait two days more until after the day of my birthday at least, in case he has something planned (which I highly doubt) and also because I really don’t wanna fight on my birthday. So in two days it is, I will post the result here.
I guess I’m just really worried that I’m pushing him away even more when I bring it up again. The whole thing is just so weird because I honestly never pressured him to marry me, I never even brought it up or asked him for a timeline. Nothing like tha, ever. So if he didn’t want to marry me he could have just kept his mouth shut and keep living life as usual.
Post # 36
ohnatto: “It’s one thing for two people to mutually agree to stop a discussion so they can cool off before continuing later. It’s another thing for you to want desperately to talk to your partner about something but be so scared of his unreasonable reactions that you count out how many days you can make yourself wait before trying to talk again.”
This exactly. OP, the most concerning thing about this IMO is the fact that your SO doesn’t seem to be taking ownership for any of his feelings. If he is panicking, he has a responsibility to tell you that he’s sorry but he needs time to process this huge life change and can’t talk it over with you right now. Asking for time, asking for space, is ok. Shutting down and getting mad at you for wanting to engage is NOT ok and tells me that whatever his current stance on marriage is, he’s not ready. He needs to build more self-awareness before he can contribute to a marriage.
He also seems shockingly self-centered about this all. That’s another red flag for me. It’s as though his only consideration with the “proposal?” conversation he had with you was passively working through what was on his mind, with no consideration of how it would make you feel and how you would like to be proposed to (if that’s what even happened). That to me shows that he brought it up before he was ready, but again, all of this was his responsibility to communicate. I’m getting lots of red flags from this dude, and they’re more about the style of how he communicates than the content.
Post # 37
sapphire88: FYI this style of shutting down your attempts at communication by getting mad is a form of emotional abuse called stonewalling. It’s possible your partner has a marriage phobia that has been triggered by this one thing, but this behavior is often indicative of larger, deeper problems.
Again, a healthy reaction to your concerns (for someone experiencing extreme anxiety about the subject at hand) would be for him to say, “I’m sorry, this has triggered something for me and I need time and space to work through it.” What your SO is doing–getting mad at you for your very real concerns, shutting down your attempts at conversation by making you feel wrong for even trying to engage–is a big red flag.
Post # 38
michelllie: I’m in the camp of you don’t need a ring to be engaged. A ring is a piece of jewelry, not the engagement. With that said though, the ringless engagements that I’ve known moved forward in wedding planning. This doesn’t seem to be the case here.
sapphire88: Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he wants to be married. That isn’t necessarily a reflection on you or your relationship(He may have reasons for not wanting marriage that have nothing to do with you. If he is the product of divorce or had someone close to him traumatized by it, that could be playing into it). It sounds like he is considering marriage only because you want it. Maybe he finds the idea of a formal wedding daunting?
I think you need to straight out ask him if he is willing to set a date and move forward with the engagement(try to NOT sound accusatory so he won’t go on the defensive). Then you need to find out what kind of wedding he is comfortable with if he will move forward. I’m not saying you need to go down to the courthouse in jeans, but you could find a good compromise with a less formal wedding that will still give you the celebration you want, while not overwheming him. Either way, I think you deserve to know why he is hedging on this.
Post # 39
sapphire88: You’re stuck on the fact that since he brought up marriage first, that must mean he wants to marry you and you’re seeking validation from us to support it. Yes he said let’s get married but cmon, no matter how practical someone is, no matter how great the legal benefits and tax savings of getting married, two people should marry because at some level, they love each other. The way that he went about “proposing” doesn’t sound emotionally loving at all, it was cold and logical and he didn’t need rings to make it about you too. I used to be in prior relationships where I was always afraid of saying or doing how I really felt because I might push the guy away. That’s no way to live and if you’re in a good relationship with the right guy, this worry or fear wouldn’t be your initial reaction. A guy who loves you will be open to talking about the situation, not angry about it, even if he finds it annoying.
Post # 40
Jewelieee: True. I actually said that to him- ‘Do you want to marry me only for the benefits and the paper or because you really want to?’
He got mad and answered ‘We are together because we love each other, right? You’re saying papers aren’t something special, but how can they not be special if I have never done those papers with anyone before?’
Not really satisfying this answer. I don’t doubt at all that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I do doubt a lot that he actually wants to get married.
Post # 41
No, he doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would. The question is whether he’s willing to give you marriage because you want it.
I’m not clear on what motivates you to want to marry a man who treats you poorly.
Post # 42
sapphire88: I agree with your last post – it sounds like he wants to be with you but definitly sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. Hard to tell what’s in his head without talking to him about it.
So – Happy birthday. Good luck. And let us know how things work out for you 🙂
Post # 43
I agree with JenGirl and am surprised by how negative everyone’s responses have been! The only requirement for being “engaged” in my book is an understanding between you and your partner that you are getting married. Rings, enthusiasm, even his communication skills have nothing to do with it. He doesn’t have to be enthusiatic or frankly care about any of the “typical wedding details” like rings or receptions to want to marry you or to be a great husband. It sounds like he is a great guy who wants to spend his life with you but doesn’t find value in wedding stuff at all, which is okay and is something you should respect. He wants to marry you, that’s all that matters. He doesn’t have to get all jazzed up about rings and want to talk about it all the time! Frankly, I would stop annoying him about the engagement (as far as I am concerned, you are engaged) and just plan the damn wedding.
I would lay out a basic plan and then have a conversation with him about it. Not “oh are we really actually engaged” or “what do you want to dooo for a wedding” (answer: nothing, he obviously doesn’t care!) but “here’s what I think we should do for a wedding.” Go find yourself a ring, figure out a date a month or two from now that could work for a wedding date, maybe scope out some restaurants for a low-key celebration dinner, and then present him with the plan. “Hey SO, does March 17th work for a simple wedding? Looks like the notary is free that day, and neither of us have to work. If thats cool with you, I’ll book the date and let our families know. Also I know you think that engagement rings are stupid, but its important to me that I have one. I’ve found one that I like, that is reasonably priced. It would mean so much to me if you would get it for me!”
My Darling Husband isn’t quite as anti-wedding as your SO sounds, but he definitely grumbled about all of the (to him) unnecessary details associated with a wedding. He agreed to buy me an engagement ring only after I put my foot down (he wanted to buy me an “engagement car” instead… more practical use of money in his opinion, haha). I went ring shopping by myself (or with friends) and only dragged him in at the very end to write the check. Romantic, no. But he’s never been a romantic, and to expect him to suddenly become a different person would have been unrealistic.
Post # 44
I wouldn’t want to marry someone who wouldn’t openly have a discussion about a major life event with me. Getting angry and shutting me down over something he simply didn’t want to talk about is not ok, not as a life partner. Yes, sometimes we need some space to gather thoughts, but he’s had ample time. Something else is going on.
Post # 45
You don’t need to have an engagement ring to get married. I never got the proposal or the ring and Darling Husband have been happily married for almost 5 years and have a beautiful son. My Darling Husband didnt think marriage was important either- he knew he loved me and wanted to stay with me and a piece of paper wasnt going to make a difference. After we agreed to get married (engaged- no ring) I cleared the date win him, booked our Vegas wedding and we told family after.