Post # 46
Short update (in case anyone is interested)- Just came back from a 3 day trip together, my birthday was two days ago. We went to a really romantic place with a beautiful beach and wonderful nature (he planned and paid the trip)- But no proposal. Not on my birthday or afterwards. We didn’t talk about getting married at all. Not even once. It’s now been 10 days since we last talked about getting married, where he shut me down and said he doesn’t want to talk about it now and we can talk again another day. Well, needless to say I’m quite disappointed, but I also saw it coming. I didn’t really expect him to propose on our trip but I hoped he would mention getting married again. Nothing. Tomorrow I will try a last time (today he has to work all day so not good timing) and if he still doesn’t give me anything (talk related) I’ll have my answer.
Post # 47
sapphire88: aww.. Sorry to hear… I hope he comes around! Let us know what happens after you have that last talk with him…
Post # 48
It is just crazy- I still haven’t managed to talk to him. I planned on talking to him on Saturday, but then I suddenly got sick and started throwing up all day and night. I felt absolutely terrible. No idea if it was food poisoning or a bad flue. Since today I felt really bad.
So today I wanted to talk to him when he gets home- I let him eat and relax a bit and bring it up later, since he said he’s not gonna sleep til midnight or so anyway. He was in a pretty good mood. Then, suddenly, from a moment to another, his mood seemed really changed. He didn’t smile, barely talked to me, seemed pretty pissed about something. I asked him twice if he was okay and if he wants to talk about something. Both times he said no, he’s perfectly fine, but said that in that cold not very interested voice that was telling me that clearly something was wrong. I just don’t get what. He seriously changed his mood in five minutes, from cuddly-lovey-dovey to pretty much ignoring me. Since ha hasn’t told me what’s going on and keeps saying he’s fine, I just stopped asking. I’m in bed now while he’s in the other room organizing boxes and his bicycle, saying he just has to organize some stuff before going to bed (which he could clearly do on another day too. And since I have nothing to do anyway he could just ask me to join him, but he hasn’t. I went to the room once and he barely talked.)
It seems jinxed 🙁 Don’t know what’s going on. I hate that he’s shutting me out. Or maybe that’s just the way he is sometimes and there’s really nothing wrong. I’m sure tomorrow morning he will be fine. But that’s another day that has passed without talking to him. Now it’s been two full weeks since I brought it up the last time.
Post # 49
If this is how he deals with life changing events, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
What if you told him you were pregnant, would he take 2 weeks to comment on it. What if he wasn’t happy about it? What if you had to move for a job opportunity.
Just throwing these thoughts out there.
Post # 50
Young Bee, I think that sometimes actions speak LOUDER than words.
I had an ‘ex-boyfriend’ who behaved similarly. Not in refrence to marriage, but in refrence to an official public relationship. He would say ‘okay let’s make it official… let’s put a title on our situation. I am your boyfriend’.
Then he would not use the term again, for weeks, and get moody. Then he would break up with me because he needed time to think about what he wanted. We went through this cycle for YEARS!
I personally think it is clear what he is saying. He likes the relationship the way that it is. If YOU don’t like it you have 3 choices. 1) Put your CONCISE expectations on the table and decide what to do after he responds. 2) Say nothing and remain dissatisfied. 3)Just leave things the way they are and accept the relationship for exactly what it is right now with no further expectation.
Up to you, young Bee, up to you! Wishing you the best! ♡♡♡
Post # 51
sapphire88: Wtf? If my husband changed his mood just like that, without warning, I’d be standing there in the doorway demanding an explanation until he gave me one.. and I wouldn’t care how much it would piss him off.
Why do you have to wait for a good moment to talk to him? Just say to him ”So when are we getting married then?” If he shuts you out, tell him you deserve to be with someone who knows what they want and doesn’t string you along, back and forth, and dump him.
Post # 52
This marriage talk won’t be the only hard discussion you will have in your life. It’s one of the first. If it’s not working out then how do you think all other important conversations will go? It’d drive me crazy to be with someone who instead of trying to figure out why I was so sad was suddenly mad at me and shutting me down. I am willing to guess you wouldn’t do that to him if he was sad.
Like everyone else has said, talk to him frankly and openly. If he can’t do it then LISTEN to what his actions are saying.
Post # 53
So, I finally talked to him. I sat him down and told him we needed to talk about this and asked him if he still wants to get married because he never ever mentions it. He said that he still wants to get married, that he just didn’t really think about it and that he thought I would come to him to tell him what I want for the wedding. I told him I don’t want to force him into stuff he doesn’t want. He said don’t worry. I told him I want rings. He said he’s fine with that. He said for him the concept of having rings is pretty unnecessary (‘Why pay so much money for a piece of jewelry?’), but if I want them we can go buy them.
At first he didn’t say much. But then we actually really started talking about it and he didn’t get angry or anything. He even asked me things, like if I want a big wedding or just the two of us etc. We both agreed that we don’t want a big wedding because we don’t see the point in spending a ton of money with which we could travel the world for a month or two for buying booze for people for one single day. So right now we’re thinking if we just want to elope (I find that kinda romantic, but I know my parents would be so pissed) or if we invite family (and some friends maybe). He even suggested a venue he has heard of that’s supposed to be nice. Still haven’t decided in what month we wanna do it though.
So yea, right now my feelings are a bit mixed. I’m happy that he reacted differently than I expected and that I could actually have a nice conversation with him about it and he really seemed to be interested in planning the wedding. On the other side I’m still disappointed that he’s not into rings and that he’s not as super excited about getting married as I would like him too. But that’s a thing I cannot change I guess…
Post # 54
I dunno, it seems like it’s not uncommon that men think marriage is just a piece of paper and don’t want to go through the trouble etc etc. My now Darling Husband have the same issue but we are very upfront about it from the beginning. He doesn’t believe in marriage BUT if he does get married, divorce is not an option. He does not believe in divorce…and if there are problem, we will fix it…
I make it very clear that I don’t want to bully him in the whole wedding/marriage thing but it’s important to me. IF he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, marriage is a must. I am not going to live with anybody as a girlfriend or let alone buying a place together as a girlfriend… that’s my preference and my bottomline.
Sometimes, you can love someone so much but reality is, loving someone but able to spend the rest of the life together are two different things. Sound like your Fiance feels like he is being bully into the whole thing that he doesn’t want to change current situation…and marrige is very important to you……..
there really have no solution other than give it one last talk (calm and logical talk) with him and be honest with your feeling and lay down what’s your action plan and what is it important to you ………..make it very clear… if he get angry again and defensive, I’m sorry, he is not the guy for you. Time to move on and start a new life with or wtihout a man
I asked my Darling Husband once shortly before our wedding day… why is he marrying me if he does not believe in that piece of paper .. he told me this “Married or not should not change the way he love me. However, he knows this is important to me and he wants me to be happy. So he is willing to give me the wedding I want and will be official with me”
I hope this will help…
Post # 55
sapphire88: Glad you had a talk. To me, it seems very similar to the previous talk you guys had. It doesn’t seem that you got the resolution you were looking for. 🙁 Hopefully you guys will come to a concise decision, an actual literal resolve on how to move forward in a way that satisfies you both.
Ultimately it is your life and I hope all works out exactly as it should. 🙂 Be well and take care! Xo
Post # 56
It’s great you guys finally talked but I would seriously recommend you guys do some pre-marriage counseling before you get married. It sounds like there are some communication issues and those are not going to get better once you are married!