He proposed but refuses to speak about wedding planning

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Wh
  • Post # 16
    Member
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    his behavior – the yelling and silent treatment, combined with flat refusal to discuss important relationship topics – would be enough for me to seriously question whether this is the guy for me, even if he was full steam ahead with wedding planning. better that he reveal this character flaw now than later. 

    children are very resilient. my mom moved us in with her boyfriend and his kids for like 6 months when i was in middle school and things didn’t work out. my mom was way happier and less stressed after we moved out, which even after factoring in changing schools and everything still made my life so much better. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    7558 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’m really sorry bee but I agree with pp: it was a shut-it-up proposal to get you to move in with him. He doesn’t want to marry you, but is too much of a coward to say that because he knows if he came out with the blunt truth, you might leave. While he doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want to lose you either. Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. 

    Don’t beat yourself up for moving in with him – you took your partner’s word and it’s not your fault his word was shit. 

    As for what to do now: I’d break up with him and move out. Even if he comes around and decides to marry you, the way he’s handled this whole thing – yelling at you when you try to discuss your shared future, silent treatment, etc. – is extremely disturbing and would be a dealbreaker for me. You sound a lot like me in the way you communicate – you’re able to calmly discuss serious matters, and always try to see the other person’s point of view. You need to be with a person who communicates like you, not a manchild who throws a tantrum like a baby when he doesn’t like what his partner has to say. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I thought this thread was going to be about someone who thwomped a Monica Geller- sized  wedding planning book in front of her fiance within a few hours of getting engaged and he just wanted her to slow her roll for a week or so to just indulge in the newly-engaged phase a bit. 

    But I’m appalled for you Bee, I’m so sorry. And so incensed at him on your behalf, it sounds like he grossly misled you to get his own way and now that it’s time to either keep his promises or renege on them, he’s too cowardly to come clean to you and throws a tantrum everytime you try to have a mature, rational discussion. 

    I’m an older Bee and have adult kids/ step-kids so I understand how you’ve gotten attached to his kid, likely your kids have formed attachments to him and his kid as well. So my advice would depend on whether this is totally out of character for him or if there have been other instances where he yells at you/ shuts you down/ gives you the silent treatment-  if this is indicative of the way he behaves, then I would leave, this isn’t a healthy environment for you or any of the kids involved, regardless of their ages.

    If you’re not ready to leave him or if this behaviour is out of character for an otherwise decent, caring partner- then I would give him one chance and one chance only to make this right. I would tell him I need to have a serious honest discussion with him- no yelling, no shutting you down. You tell him you expect him to have the courtesy to hear you out, and that in turn you will hear what he has to say and be clear that any unwillingness to have an open conversation is a deal breaker for you. If he refuses to have a calm rational discussion, this is the coward’s way to let you be the one to end the relationship. If he’s open to sitting down and talking with you, before you even get onto the subject of your engagement, he needs to know that you won’t tolerate such unhealthy, immature behaviour anytime the two of you  have an issue. He also has to be honest about why he has been shutting down at any mention of wedding talk, he can’t simply refuse to discuss it or throw lame excuses at his pile of broken promises and hope that covers it all up. You moved in based on taking him at his word and now he’s getting angry and upset with you when you bring up these promises. If his reaction to everything you have to say is anything less than ownership of his unacceptable behaviour, a very sincere apology, and a genuine willingness to work on this and to keep his promises, then sadly you have your answer. 

    Bottom line- you moved in with him believing you were creating a blended family together and that this would be beneficial for everyone involved. If he isn’t willing to move mountains now to try and fix this situation, then being a single parent in a stable, happy household is far preferable to a two parent household filled with screaming, tension, and resentment over broken promises. 

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    5556 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    After my ex fiancé proposed, he didn’t want to talk any wedding plans either. By the time we were engaged for a year, there were still no plans. I bought a wedding dress anyway and he flipped. The relationship was over a few months later.

    He had moved cross country for school and he thought proposing would make me feel more secure in our relationship. That’s what he said when things started to blow up.

    He shut down all talks I started, he couldn’t even commit to a wedding year

    Post # 24
    Member
    7558 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Ugh, the fact that he’s tickling you and acting playful shortly after he was screaming at you is even more disturbing. My ex would do the same shit – it gave me emotional whiplash. It seriously made me think he was a sociopath sometimes how he could just flip on this switch to go from crazy monster angry to happy-go-lucky playful mode.

    I don’t see this as salvageable. Your bf has shown his true colors here, and thank god he did so before you actually did get married. I’m really sorry bee. I know it’s tough cause there are children involved, but I think the best thing for you and your children is to split now before the atmosphere in the house becomes anymore toxic than it must already be.

    Post # 25
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    why214 :  Okay, after reading your update, my revised advice is fuck him. Seriously. The situation you describe is sending off all kinds of alarm bells not even connected with marriage.

    First of all- you asked him to stop tickling you and he didn’t stop. Not okay at all.

    Then, if I’m reading this correctly, if he decides his childish sulk/silent treatment is over, you are supposed to get over it immediately and be happy and affectionate toward him, but you’re not allowed to discuss anything or be upset, you’re just supposed to be a happy perky Stepford Partner when he decides he’s done being mad at you?! 

    When you don’t respond favourably to the above, he flips back to yelling, which is sounding more and more like his go-to response. 

    Sorry sweetie, but my advice now would be to leave. It’s heartbreaking if you’ve gotten attached to his daughter, moved your own kids etc, but there is something really off about this guy and he clearly is incapable of having rational conversations or dealing well with conflict. Even if you did get a wedding date, this behaviour would likely get worse after marriage. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    tiffanybruiser :  +1000 you express really well what I’m finding truly ‘off’ about this guy. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    2855 posts
    Sugar bee

    He  gave you  “Shut Up” ring.  Is that enough for you?

    Post # 28
    Member
    11303 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    why214 :  

    He screams at you?  Bee, why would you tolerate a man who screams at you, irrespective of the issue he happens to be ranting about?

    Then, he takes it to the next level of unacceptable behavior—the silent treatment.

    Bee, this man is not mentally healthy.

    It’s patently obvious that he doesn’t want to marry you.  Thank your lucky stars for that.  Move out, move on.  File him under Lessons Learned the Hardest Way Possible.  Do some soul searching—what red flags did you miss?

    Post # 29
    Member
    13611 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    By definition being engaged means you are “planning” to be married. Not someday, now. 

    He broke promises and now can’t even give you a straight reason why except for a vague reference to “finances.” Does he want an expensive wedding or does he think you do? 

    I agree that this is all concerning behavior, not even just relating to the idea of a wedding date, but in general. He’s disrespectful, won’t communicate, yells, and has been untruthful. Now he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem.

    You aren’t the problem. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    11303 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

    This is one of the rare occasions on which I disagree with you, Bee.  I don’t think he gets one Free Scream at My Partner Pass. That behavior is just not acceptable.  Nor is the silent treatment.  What is he, six?

    What she’s seeing today is the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Wait until he feels really cocky, eg after he’s blown her off on the marriage thing for awhile and she still hangs around.  Then he can really let the mask slip.

    Thankfully, he has no plans to marry the OP.  Thus, she is spared a lifetime of this crap and a horrendously bad role model for her children.

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