(Closed) He proposed but refuses to speak about wedding planning

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Wh
  • Post # 46
    3147 posts
    Sugar bee

    I agree with PP’s-this is not the kind of guy you want to marry & spend forever with. A grown man in his 40’s screaming and giving you the silent treatment? I bet your kids are more mature than him!!!

    Time to move on to a mature man that loves you like crazy & can’t wait to marry you!!!

    Post # 48
    3147 posts
    Sugar bee

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    why214 :  I’m glad it put a smile on your face 🙂   I know you’re in an incredibly hard spot right now. But there are tons of Bees on here, including myself, that will tell you it WILL get better!!! This is not the end of the road for your love life. Don’t fall into that trap thinking this is the last guy that will want to be with you. It’s not.

    Post # 49
    419 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

    I would do some counseling (either just your Fiance or both of you), or work through “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Gottman together. It sounds like there’s some serious communication and anger issues that you need to address before you get married. If this is how he treats you when you’re engaged, it could get much worse once you actually get married, so tread carefully. 

    Post # 53
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    why214 :  I echo the other PP’s advice. I hope you find an apartment soon. 

    Normally, I’m for couples’ counseling, but it really rubs me the wrong way that he got you a shut up ring and that he goes off the handle when you try to set a wedding date. It’s also disturbing how he can be happy the next minute when nothing was resolved. And if brings up you wearing the ring again, I would just say NOT until a date is set AND substantial planning is underway. Don’t get me wrong, I still think you should leave him.

    Post # 55
    3102 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

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    why214 : Op,  is he still being extra nice now that he got you to stop asking about getting married? I hope you are still not wearing the ring and looking for an apartment. Given his history,  I doubt he’s going to marry you (or anyone) as he’s 40s, never married, not even his child’s mother….  Did he buy her a ring too?

    Post # 56
    70 posts
    Worker bee

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    why214 :  I personally think that he was being nicey nicey because he sensed your energy that had shifted. You thinking about leaving him, you writing posts here etc, all that changed your ‘mental vibrations’ shall we say and on some level he picked up on that. Whether or not he/ you are aware of that.  You know the feeling when suddenly you feel a certain way about something/someone?May not be able to logically explain it, it’s just a feeling. I think that that’s what’s going on here. It’s happened to me many times with various people, with my exes etc. When I made a decision or when I was thinking something that would change the whole game, other people picked up on the energy I gave off and I didn’t even have to do/say anything, it’s just all about the mental energy…not wishing to sound like some crazy weirdo….I just think that on some level he has sensed that something is going on, he doestn’ want to lose the status quo and so he suddenly became nicey-nicey hoping that that would bring things back to where they were – you being compliant with his expectations, falling in line and basically being a ‘good girl’ not brining out topics he doestn’ want to talk about.

    Has there been any development since your last post?

    Post # 58
    653 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    why214 :  Hang in there, Bee.  You’re making the right choice to move on.  Screaming at you and threatening to break your belongings when you try to speak?  That’s a recipe for disaster and will certainly escalate.  There’s no reason for you or your children to be in that situation.  

    I hope and pray that you find somewhere to go soon.  

    Post # 59
    10991 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    why214 :  

    He’s escalating, Bee.  He’s threatening to destroy your work computer as a way to keep you hostage.  Your work computer, Bee, leaving you without a way to support yourself without him.

    Londongeocity is probably quite right.  He is sensing his diminished control over you and upping the threats in response.  Could he have been snooping on your computer and have found out you were apartment hunting?

    You absolutely have to get out of there ASAP.  Your children should not be exposed to this guy. Neither should you.

    Do NOT confront him at this point.  Tiptoe around, avoid conflict and quietly remove yourself and your children.  Abusers are at their most dangerous when you attempt to leave.  Do not hesitate to call the police if you feel at all uncomfortable.  Or if you want an officer present when you move out.  They do it all the tome.

    Make your exit plan.  Then go.


    Post # 60
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    sassy411 :  +1000 All of this. 

    OP I hope you are online to read sassy411’s post above. This guy is abusive and escalating, don’t engage him in argument, just get you and your kids the fuck out of there. Smashing your computer (bad enough on it’s own but even worse when tied to your livelihood) as punishment for speaking? Threats if you won’t compliantly listen to his endless rants in silence? This guy is a frigging nightmare and not safe to be around. 

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